Tuesday, May 19, 2015


When: Saturday, May 23rd, at 3:00pm!

Where: Kroger
2301 Rayford Road Spring, TX 77386
***park to the right of the pharmacy and bank drive-thru***

Hares: Fish 'n' Dicks and Put It In My Dick

Why: Cypress knees near San Jacinto break toes, had enough fun at Magnolia Gardens this year. If those aren't good enough for you, then its because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections: From Houston: Take I-45 North and exit at Rayford/Sawdust. Turn right onto Rayford Road. Go a few miles and Kroger is on the left.

Sidenote: FROM THE HARES: It's our very first time! We're a little scared but we're also a little excited. We've waited SO LONG. It's been SO HARD. But we've been saving ourselves just for you! We aren't sure what to expect, but we know that you can count on mosquitoes the size of small birds, plenty of shiggy, a few water crossings, possible rain, and a whole lot of mud.

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Monday, May 11, 2015

3rd AИAL Brass Monkey IronHash: Three Trails, Three Circles, One Horrible Hangover

When: Saturday, May 16th, at 7:00am!

Where: Byrd Automotive, 2445 High Timbers Drive, Spring, TX 77380. ***PLEASE CARPOOL, ONLY 30 PARKING SPOTS AVAILABLE!***

Hare(s): Dick Assley, Flatline, Outside Cat, Cocktor Spork, Twinkle Toes, DoubleMint Cum (a.k.a. Betty Cock-in-her), KatchUp, EZ Chair, and probably some other poor souls that we rope into this.

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Cost: $5 PER hash & $5 for an Official IronHash patch and a FINISHER patch if you *actually* finish, so $20 for three hashes, three circles of down/down beer, snacky cakes, and patches!

Bring: Hash Cash Shag bag (change of clothes). $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $15, Stickers $1, Patches $3 & $4, Socks $12, and a thirst for beer of course!

SCHEDULE” - it’s in quotes because fuck you.

7:00am: Arrive, bitches!
7:30am: Start cheering on the swimmers because they are in far better shape than any of us will ever be.
8:00am: Hares Away for Trail #1, get ready…
10:00am: Finish Trail #1 & Circle.
11:00am: Hares Away for Trail #2 while the rest of you fucks are getting drunk.
11:30am: Up, up, and away, bitches - Trail #2 is afoot!
1:00pm: Finish Trail #2 & start eating your lunch while we wait for everyone to bring their lazy asses in.
3:00pm: Hares Away for Trail #3 while everyone else cries, eats, and drinks.
3:30pm: Anddddddddddddddddddd GO SPEEDRACER, GO GET ‘DEM HARES!!!
5:00pm: Finish Trail #3, Circle, and apply cream and oil to old people joints. And also enjoy joints. You should bring joints. They help.

FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it dead ends into I-45, then take Exit 76B for Woodlands Parkway. ***THERE IS GOING TO BE TRAFFIC FOR THIS, SO PLAN THE FUCK AHEAD!*** Continue on Woodlands Parkway until you hit Grogans Mill Road, then turn right. Turn left almost right away onto High Timbers Drive in the EAST SHORE area. We are not 100% sure what they will be blocking/diverting, so just use the address if it comes to it. Seriously though, plan ahead for traffic.

Sidenote: Ladies & Gents, it’s back. This 12 hour, three trail, three circle, several tears kind of day. Plan on hydrating your face off on Friday, because you will need it for Saturday. There will be live laid trails, there will be “games”, there wil be shiggy and urban running, there might be MD 20/20, or something even worse. This day is great for those of you who like punishment, or if you feel like you have something to prove, like that you are a moron for doing this. Remember how year one we had slut juice and people lost hours in the day, so last year Twinkle said we couldn’t do it, well this year it’s back, and Gator is making it so yeah, be ready.

Plan on SIX, count ‘em SIX hares, two per trail, and at least two RAs, maybe three. Everything you have thought you knew before was a lie, all of it, especially the cake. We will not be U-Hauling it this year, so please don’t bring a ton of shit and expect us to be able to carry it around. You need your shag bag with a couple changes of clothes, your lunch that we will put in the cooler, and some damn willpower. Please plan on carpooling because the start is a smaller lot that can fit about 30 cars, so if you can, CARPOOL!

So, to highlight the most important shit:
•Bring your own lunch!
•Bring like three changes of clothes and a towel!
•We are leaving at 8:30am SHARP, do not be late. Like seriously, if you have ever been on time for anything in your life, be on time for this. Plan on traffic for the IronMan, and give yourself time! Do not be that person who calls like "Oh, so sorry, can you wait for us? Traffic is sooooo bad." No! Bad!
•HYDRATE! Drink water before, this will seriously drain you - it's gonna be fucking hot!
•Figure out lodging. Plan on staying with other hashers at the Super 8 or make other arrangements. Other arrangements does not mean assume you can stay with Spork and Twinkle. :P
•Total cost for three trails, three circle, two patches, and transportation all around is $20. If you can't do all the trails, you suck. That's all.

Well there you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Twinkle Toes' #: (661) 342-1679
Dick Assley's #: (214) 502-6501
Flatline's #: (832) 431-6339
KatchUp’s #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Tuesday, May 05, 2015

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 138 - The Mother's Day Weekend MILF Run!

When: Saturday, May 9th, at 4:00pm! Pack off at 4:30pm.

Where: George Mitchell Preserve,
AFTER 6000 Creekside Forest Drive, The Woodlands, TX 77389. (NOT EXACT ADDRESS).
Park at the Trailhead for George Mitchell Preserve after the round-about on the right. If parking is full there, park in the dirt parking lot to the right of the trailhead parking. ***WE ARE PUTTING ROB FLEMMING PARK AS WHERE BECAUSE IT IS CLOSE, THIS IS RIGHT DOWN THE STREET FROM THAT!**

Hares: The Land of MILF and Honey and EntrePORNer

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections: Take I-45 North to Exit 70B for Spring-Stubner / Road-West. Take Spring Stubner going west for about 4 miles. Turn right onto Gosling Road and go for about 4 miles. Turn left into Creekside Forest Drive / Subdivision. Huge entrance on the left that says The Woodlands. Go to the traffic circle (round-about) and take first right onto Creekside Forest Drive. George Mitchell Preserve trailhead is on the right and a large dirt parking lot next to that.

Sidenote: FROM THE HARE: This is the 2nd Annual Brass Monkey MILF Run! Celebrate all MILFs and MILFs-to-be with a hash run over Mother’s Day weekend. Yes, in true mama monkey style, you will get into the shiggy and water. At the end, you will enjoy some chick pleasing foods like fruit, cheese, and other real food (along with the various orange food products. This is a MILF trail so of course, expect the vagina cupcakes!

Well, you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork