Tuesday, December 11, 2018

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 232 - Saturnalia Trail 2.0



BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 232 - Saturnalia Trail 2.0

When: Saturday, December 15th, at 2:00pm! *THEN CAMPOUT!*

Where: "Overflow Parking" Campground
Stubblefield Lake Rd, Huntsville, TX 77340

Hare: 101 Donations & Save a Horse, Ride a Mole

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it dead-ends into I-45. Follow I-45 N until you take exit 102 from I-45 N for Farm to Mkt Rd 1375 toward TX-150/Farm to Mkt Rd 1374/New Waverly. Take the feeder to the traffic circle, then at the traffic circle, take the 3rd exit onto FM 1375. Then, go under the freeway to the other traffic circle, then take the 1st exit. Continue onto N Fwy Service Rd going parrallell to I-45, but on the west side. Then turn left onto Possum Walk Rd (1374), then take that for like 8 miles. Then turn left onto Stubblefield Lake Rd (215), and go for two miles. Then the campground will be on your right. Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARE: This will be the second year in a row doing the 101 & Ride a Mole Saturnalia trail. This will be a campsite trail, à la Twinkle Toes. Overnight camping is optional though highly suggested if people are drinking, considering the driving distance. If they are camping we suggest they arrive early to setup their tent. You can expect somewhere between 2 and 20 miles. Reminder the camping is BYOE! There will be trail snacks and beer, that's all!

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Wednesday, November 28, 2018



BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 231 - Womb Raider's Nightmare Before Xmas Trail!

When: Saturday, December 1st, at 2:00pm!

Where: SPRING CREEK GREENWAY
*There are several of these, pay attention to which one!*
Dead End, South End of Glen Loch Road,
Approximate Address is:
23915 Glen Loch Drive
Spring, TX 77380
(You can also Google Water Control & Imprv District on Glen Loch Road)

Hare: Womb Raider

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it dead-ends into I-45. Take Exit 73, Rayford / Sawdust Road. Take the feeder to the light and turn LEFT onto Sawdust Road. Continue past three lights, then turn LEFT on the fourth light where the Starbucks is, which is still Sawdust Road, it just turns. You will stay on this for several miles until it dead ends. You'll pass Wal-Mart, Sawmill Road, you'll go right, left, yadda yadda, and you go all the way until it dead ends onto Glen Loch Road (you'll see a Timber Lakes Timber Ridge Sign), turn LEFT. Go alllllllll the way to the dead end, and ta-dah!

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARE: Womb’s LAST TRAIL…. of the year! Since I couldn’t get it together for a Halloween trail I am going to try to make it up to y’all with a Nightmare before Xmas trail. Truthishly it’s really because I want an excuse to wear my Jack Skellington PJs in public. Feel free to don your best Jack or Sally attire or whatever random Xmas or Halloween stuff or PJs you feel like wearing (I know you probably won’t…I still love you). Trail will be just under 4 miles and almost all shiggy and runnable trails. There will be one beer check with GOOD craft beer! There will NOT be shot, vodka, or Steel Reserve checks (sorry not sorry). There will be several water crossings but I will do my best to keep them shallow and not drown the pack. Should be dog friendly for experienced hash pups. I am also planning on baking some Jack Skellington cupcakes or cookies for circle.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Tuesday, November 27, 2018

ANNOUNCEMENT FOR TEXAS INTERHASH 2019


In the beginning, G created the hash on the earth, and there was shiggy, and all were merry. Then, after a few hits from his ocean-waterpipe, G was stoned and pondering his next idea. Then he said,"Let there be an InterHash", and the spirit of G moved upon them, and the InterHash was conceived. And G saw InterHash, and that it was good, and the people of Texas were merry and very gay. Henceforth, Texas InterHash was anally celebrated in the most hole-y ways all over Texas, and shenanigans were had by all. G declared that the first 35 years of InterHash would be considered day one, because he fucking felt like it, and whoa is G.

Then G spoke and said "For next year's InterHash, let it be that of an undefiled kennel, one which has not yet allowed my Spirit to cum inside them." And the GM meeting said "Whoa is G, the hole-y one, blessed be his word.". G saw the GMs, and that they were good. And G divided the kennels into those that had held InterHash and those that had not. And G christened those who had held InterHash before Ancients, and those who had not Virgins and he was happy. And the Ancients and the Virgins were parted: with many Ancients on one side and a sole sacrificial Virgin kennel on the other. And the ancients looked unto the virgin and said, "Not it!" And G made the splitting of the Ancients and the Virgin the second day because he fucking felt like it, and whoa is G.

And Cocktor Spork spoke to his barrel of monkeys and said "For G has spoken, we are the chosen people. We shall go forth and be merry and very gay, and throw a celebration for G that is hole-y." And so Cocktor Spork went forth to search for a basilica that could hold the hole-y, and could provide - nay, supply - all that is needed. Cocktor Spork traveled back to the land of wealth and money in The Woodlands and began planning the reënactment of the Court of Caligula. He searched high, and he searched sober, but nothing could be found. And Cocktor Spork wept, and G saw this and said "Dafaq, dude, get it together."Then G said, "That's about enough of that bullshit, let's call it a day."And G ended that period, and called it day three, because he fucking felt like it, and whoa is G.

And forward went Cocktor Spork, looking for a venue that could hold all who would want to cum, and would not in any way limit our hole-y celebration. It began with two or three properties, and then it became dozens, all of which turned the virgin kennel away. "There are too many of you," said one portly land-owner, "you won't be able to squeeze in." And Cocktor Spork laughed and laughed and said "You'd be surprised the large things we can fit into tight spaces." The landowner was not amused. And so, Cocktor Spork continued looking with the help of his disciples, but their efforts were fruitless. "You want to drink wherever you want, whenever you want? You'll never find a place like that!" said a red-hatted man holding a Coors Light can and the better part of 7 teeth, all to himself,"What does this look like, a Casino?" And Cocktor Spork continued his journey, wandering aimlessly through the tundra of southeast Texas within an hour of The Woodlands. And G looked down and said"Try the fuck harder, this is crap. You know what, screw this day, it's over."And G ended that period, and called it day four, because he fucking felt like it, and whoa is G.

The months passed, the search continued, and the disappointments became many. Site visit after site visit, phone call after phone call, e-mail after e-mail, sexual favor after sexual favor, nothing worked out. No person wanted us. No place could hold us. No jurisdiction could handle us. Then came some solid leads, out of nowhere, like a flash. "Go forth!" said G. The relationships began to foster, and all were merry, and it appeared there would be a venue booked before October. "Yay!" yelled Cocktor Spork, "Fucking finally!" Then, without warning, the new venues disappeared into nowhere, like the great balls of Jerico... or was it Jared Leto, who remembers?... "all opportunity shriveled to naught with a final pinprick into his arm". They stopped returning calls. They kept pushing back visit dates. They stopped responding to e-mails. Things seemed like they were hopeless, and we would have to hold this whole thing at an abandoned grocery store somewhere. And G looked down and said "Okay, look, this is some bullshit. Stop going for perfection, and just find a fucking location." And G ended that period, and called it day five, because he fucking felt like it, and whoa is G.

Months in, while speaking with the Disciples, a location was mentioned that Cocktor Spork had heard of before. "Nay," said Cocktor Spork, "I want somewhere unsoiled! I want somewhere pure and unadulterated!" The conversations continued, and the weeks went on, and like Sodom and Gemora, Cocktor Spork was blessed with one of Southeast Texas' finest angels (and if anyone asks, she is of age). He inspected her bossoms and surveyed her plot and it was good. He saw the lakes that looked like boobs, and they were G-worthy. And G spoke and said "Fucking finally. Now, book this bitch and get your shit going. You are stressing me out, let's do this!" Cocktor Spork replied, "Okay, Let's fucking do this!" And G ended that period, and called it day six, because he fucking felt like it, and whoa is G.

Then Cocktor Spork spoke unto G, or the other way around, and they decided when the seventh day would fall. And it was decided, the Hole-y celebration would be held the third weekend of April, during the April Holiblaze, and shall begin on Friday, April 19th. The celebration would continue onto Saturday, April 20th, because, well, it's the fucking Monkeys, and it's 4/20 weekend. Hello. The seventh day would end on Sunday, April 21st. And G spoke unto the hash and said, "Yes, go unto the InterHash and be merry and very gay April 19th - April 21st." Then G spoke and said, "And it shall be held at Liberty Manor in Dayton, Texas, where thine barrel of monkeys and misfits can be merry in the land of burners and kinksters, and it shall be good." Whoa is G.

Then, without warning, the people revolted."NAY!" said the pot-stirrers, "It cannot be that weekend! It is Easter weekend, it cannot be!" Then Cocktor Spork spoke unto them and said:
"Really, though? Really? We held a hash on Xmas Day, and they said no one would cum, but they came en masse. Then we held an event on Thanksgiving weekend, and they said no one would cum, and we sold 200 regos in 24 hours. Then we held an event on Halloween weekend, and they said no one would cum, but again, dead fucking wrong, sold out."

Then G spoke unto them and said,"Really people, it's on Sunday, what do you need the whole weekend for? Leave Sunday morning, go and pretend to like you family, then go home and call it a day like a normal person. I think you can handle that."

Then the Jews said, "NU, it is during Passover, we cannot!" Then Cocktor Spork spoke unto them and said, "Look, Hebrews, I feel you. I too, am Jew. That being said, in looking at all the weekends, all the options, our choices were limited. Other events, both campouts and non, biking events, slutty events, all the events, this was the weekend that we needed. It was not an easy decision, but it was one we had to make. We, the Jews, will do what we can, and we will make it fucking work."

And all was settled. The venue was booked. The date was selected. Things began happening, and everyone was merry and very gay.

Monday, November 12, 2018

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 230 - Booby Trap's Barfday Trail!



BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 230 - Booby Trap's Barfday Trail!

When: Saturday, November 17th, at 2:00pm!

Where: Target at Westwood Village
32858 FM 2978 Road
Magnolia, TX 77354
**Park in small lot on south side of building, across from the Laurelwoode Apartments**

Hares: Booby Trap, Ruft Draeft, SpeedBumps, and mystery co-hares

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections
FROM HOUSTON: 
Go north on I-45 or Hardy Toll Road until it dead ends into I-45. Take FM 1488 exit and take cloverleaf to pass over the freeway, heading west. Go for about 6ish miles until you see the Starbucks, then turn left (south) on FM 2978. Go about 1/4 mile, then turn left (east) on Research Forest. Take your 2nd left into the Target parking lot and park in the small lot on the side of the building.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: Those of you who know anything about Booby Trap and Ruft Draeft know that these two should never legally be allowed around vodka together. But you know what, they sure are fun/entertaining/exhausting when it happens, so fuck it, what's the worst that could go wrong? Booby Trap will be in town from Austin to celebrate her barfday Brass Monkey-style, and SpeedBumps and Ruft Draeft will be pulling out all the stops to make sure that this is the super softest (see Letterkenny) birthday party she could ever hope for. Think dick-shaped cakes. Think balloons. Think cupcake decorating station. Think flower boas. Think copious amounts of vodka. Think clothing optional secluded ending spot. You get the picture.

Expect a wet shiggy trail ~4-5ish miles in length with plenty of vodka shot/beer checks along the way. Weather looks nice, but bring a change of clothes for the on-after.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Sunday, October 28, 2018

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 229



BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 229

When: Saturday, November 3rd, at **2:00pm!** NOTE THE EARLIER START TIME!

Where: H-E-B Grocery
3601 Farm to Market Road 1488
The Woodlands, TX 77384
**Park near the Burger King**

Hares: Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon & Ivanna Hairy ButtChug

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON:
Go north on I-45 or Hardy Toll Road until it dead ends into I-45. Take TX-242 W/College Park Drive exit (FREE) and turn left, or take the Exit Ramp (toll) that takes you left over the freeway.  Either way, you end up going the same direction.  Go for about 4 miles until you deadend into FM 1488.  Turn left, and look for HEB on your left.  Park near where Burger King is, but still in HEB parking lot.  Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: It is Halloween time so expect some treats on trail, kind of like trick or treating (no, KatchUp, your underage girlfriend can't come, leave her at home).  There will be one beer check and other boozy type of checks along the way.  Bonus points for a costume.  May see a ghost or two, you never know...

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 228: Twinkle Toes Out, Outside Cat In



BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 228: Twinkle Toes Out, Outside Cat In

When: Saturday, October 20th, at **2:00pm!** NOTE THE EARLIER START TIME!

Where: Twinkle Toes' Old House, Outside Cat's New Lair
18 South Rainforest Court
The Woodlands, TX  77380

Hares: IT'S A FUCKING MONKEY MILE!

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON:
Go north on I-45 or Hardy Toll Road until it dead ends into I-45. Exit 73 for Rayford/Sawdust road. Turn left. Go for a few lights until you get to where Sawdust turns hard left at the Burger King / Starbucks / CVS intersection and turn left with it. Follow that and turn at your second light, Sawmill Road.  Go all the way to end the of Sawmill Road and turn left.  Go to your first stop sign, and the house on your right directly on that corner next to you is the start. Bam. Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
FROM MONKEYLORE: Once upon a time, there was a hasher named Twinkle Toes who liked to live life with a laissez-faire attitude.  Every now and then, when he deemed it necessary, he would get a job.  However, Twinkle Toes, being a glutton for punishment, never wanted to work near his house in The Woodlands.  He first worked downtown, but that was not far enough, so he said FUCK YOU to that job. 

For a while, Twinkle didn’t feel like working again, so he didn’t, ‘cause he’s Twinkle.  Then, a while later, he decided it was time for another job, but this time it was gonna be like Bellaire, or Katy, or some shit equally as terrible on the westside.  He worked there for a while, but that was not far enough, so he said FUCK YOU to that job. 

Time passed and people wondered if Twinkle would ever work again, which he didn’t, for a really long time.  Then, one day Twinkle announced, “I found a job!” People wondered, “Where is this job?  Clear Lake?  Atascocita?  College Station?”  “No!” said Twinkle, “It’s in Minnesota!”  Because of course it is, you sick sick bastard.  So now it is time to wish our Twinkle goodbye for one year as he heads north just in time for winter to do studies about icicles in beards. 

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!  Twinkle may be leaving us for a year, but he will not be leaving us empty handed!  Outside Cat will be moving up here to the great and far northside, where she will no doubt become accustomed to living the suburban housewife lifestyle.  So cum one, cum all, cum everywhere to celebrate a big warm and sticky goodbye to Twinkle Toes, and a big warm welcum to Outside Cat! 

We will do this in a plain and simple fashion and do a good ‘ol fashioned MONKEY MILE!  That means you’ll be drinking 40 ounces to freedom style where you get one monkey, one mile, and no vomit allowed! :-)  This also means you need to accurately RSVP so we know how many fucking monkeys to get!  Ya heard?

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Wednesday, October 03, 2018

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 227: SKÖRK


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 227 - Cocktor Spork & Skeet Squad Present: Skörk, The 10 Year Analversary!

When: Saturday, October 6th, at **3:00pm!**

Where: Bear Branch Sports Fields
5205 Research Forest Drive
The Woodlands, TX 77381

Hares: Cocktor Spork + Skeet Squad = Skörk

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON:
I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it dead ends into I-45. Take Exit 77 for Research Forest Drive. Turn left on Research Forest Drive and go for 3 miles and Bear Branch Sports Fields will be on your LEFT - *not* Bear Branch Skatepark across the street on the right! Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: There are times in life when we come together to celebrate great things – wonderful things… this is not one of those times. *However*, we are still going to lay a fucking trail anyway, and you know damn well you want to come. Cocktor Spork and Skeet Squad met at a country wedding where mullets and confederate flags were in the majority, a place where they still bartered in natty light. That night, as the country music played, their eyes met over a horseshoe game and instantly they were drawn to each other like MOTHS to an unguarded 45-watt lightbulb. Their kindred spirits met and became one. Now, instead of buying each other shiny and reflective things, we shall lay a trail where we will, no doubt, get into a fight like people who have actually been married 10 years. Now, what can you expect? At least ONE beer check and at least ONE shot check! The shots will be reminiscent of drinks that turned these two into one… like spice girls bitches. SEXUAL CHOCOLATE! Trail will be three to five miles, probably shorter, but fences and google aren’t exactly on speaking terms. We shall see. Bring a change of clothes because on after is slightly better than Papa’s, so we’ll need to look a little less homeless than usual.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork