Wednesday, June 24, 2020

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 272: Outside Cat's BIRFDAY Trail!


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 272: Outside Cat's BIRFDAY Trail!

When: Saturday, June 27th:
• Do Your Own Trail: "11:00am"-ish (Read Below!) - 1:69pm
• "OfFiCiAl" Trail: 2:00pm
• Manned Beer Check from 2:30-ish - 4:00pm

Where: Sunset Springs Park
35 South Dreamweaver Circle
The Woodlands, TX 77380

Hares: Outside Cat & Twinkle Toes

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: Your fucking self and everything you need to survive a trail on your own.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 N or Hardy Toll Road until it dead ends into I-45. Take exit 73 for Rayford/Sawdust. Turn left onto Sawdust and go for 4-ish lights, then turn left where Sawdust turns left (at the Burger King). Go for like a mile-ish and turn left. Turn left at the second turn-in and bust a bitch onto Sawmill Road and the park is on the corner. THERE IS NOT A PARKING LOT. You will need to street park. Don't park like an asshole.
Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: Outside Cat and Twinkle Toes present an OUTSIDE CAT BITFDAY EXTRAVAGANZA! Start as Sunset Springs Park. We may or may not be tying a bag of flour to LuLu, we'll see - hope you like to swim! 4-5 miles true strail. Water crossings, and bring bug spray! Manned beer check with premium beer after 2:30pm-ish. We will post when we are about halfway done so people can start early if they want.

FROM SPORK: Things are a changin’ here in the Lone Star state. Apparently, people have gotten bored with the ‘rona, so it’s back to usual. Because Texas. That being said, we are going to do this in a compromise kind of way, a more use-real-lube-not-spit kinda way. Some people are ready to hash with hashers and some are not, so we’re going to let both do what they want to do. If you would like to do trail alone, start between WHEN THE HARES SAY YOU CAN START ON SATURDAY MORNING and 1:69pm. Bam. On your own, living your best life. If you want to run the trail en masse, “OfFiCiAl” trail time will be at 2:00pm. If you want to do trail with hashers, show up around that time. Don't do it super late and die. That would suck.

We will still do virtual circle at 7:00pm, with the link to be posted sometime 30 minutes – 1 hour before on the Brass Monkey FB event. That’s all we’ve got. Make good decisions out there.

NOW, READ THIS (UPDATED 06/24/2020):

• The hares will lay the trail on SATURDAY MORNING, so don't do it until after THEY SAY YOU CAN START ON SATURDAY MORNING when they are halfway done. If you would like to do the trail on your own, go between that time and 2:00pm. And don't run, you racist piece of shit.

• Trail will be A-to-A.

• There will be no in-person check-in, no hash cash, and no one accountable for you except you.

• If you would like to do the trail with other hashers in a somewhat "organized" way, show up at 2:00pm.

• If you are doing trail, we request you check in on the event page and say, “Hey, I’m doing this shit, hopefully I won’t die, my cell phone number is…” We’re putting some trust in you on this one, which I’m sure we’ll regret, but we are going to give it a shot nonetheless.

• The hares have been instructed that trail “Will need to be simple enough people can do it on their own, but it isn't going to have killer water crossings that someone will face alone, but there must still be shiggy!” Given who the hares are, we’ll hope they don’t fuck that one up.

• Circle will be virtual on Saturday night at 7pm. We will post the link to it on the trail info. In order to attend circle, you need to have a drink in hand and not wearing pants. Okay, that last part is optional, but really, why not?

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Tuesday, June 09, 2020

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 271: Peg Leg Hooker's "Virgin Lay"


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 271: Peg Leg Hooker's "Virgin Lay"

When: Saturday, June 13th:
• Do Your Own Trail: "11:00am"-ish (Read Below!) - 1:69pm
• "OfFiCiAl" Trail: 2:00pm
• Manned Beer Check from 1pm-4pm

Where: Pundt Park
4129 Spring Creek Drive
Spring, TX 77373
*GATES CLOSE AT DUSK/SUNDOWN*

Hares: Peg Leg Hooker & Just Chris

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: Your fucking self and everything you need to survive a trail on your own.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 N or Hardy Toll Road. From I-45 take exit 68 Take E Cypresswood Dr and Spring Creek Dr to your destinationand Hardy take Aldine-Westfield Road.  On both, get to Spring Creek Drive, go east all the way until you see Pundt park on your right.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARE: This weekend's trail will be an A-to-A from Pundt Park. Its going to be hot and sunny  (looks to be a high of 96 degrees), so we are going to do our best to keep you in shiggy or by water.   Make sure you bring DEET – the mosquitoes and Horse Flies are out in force! It should be a dog friendly trail, but know that as we popped out of the woods by a formal trail we got reprimanded for not having Lucy on leash - so be cognizant that this is an area with a lot of people and a police/ranger presence. There will be one manned beer check - Look out for our old RV maggie - we'll be there waiting for you fuckers in the air conditioning! This park closes at Dusk so plan accordingly and leave yourself plenty of time to get out before it closes up. This is the first trail fully planned by Peg Leg Hooker, and Just Chris’ virgin hare… what could go wrong? A CHACLK TALK VIDEO WILL BE POSTED SATURDAY MORNING AS WELL!

FROM SPORK: Things are a changin’ here in the Lone Star state.  Apparently, people have gotten bored with the ‘rona, so it’s back to usual.  Because Texas.  That being said, we are going to do this in a compromise kind of way, a more use-real-lube-not-spit kinda way.  Some people are ready to hash with hashers and some are not, so we’re going to let both do what they want to do.  If you would like to do trail alone, start between WHEN THE HARES SAY YOU CAN START ON SATURDAY MORNING and 1:69pm.  Bam.  On your own, living your best life.  If you want to run the trail en masse, “OfFiCiAl” trail time will be at 2:00pm.  If you want to do trail with hashers, show up around that time.  Don't do it super late and die.  That would suck.

We will still do virtual circle at 7:00pm, with the link to be posted sometime 30 minutes – 1 hour before on the Brass Monkey FB event.  That’s all we’ve got.  Make good decisions out there.

*hares are assholes

NOW, READ THIS (UPDATED 06/09/2020):

• The hares will lay the trail on SATURDAY MORNING, so don't do it until after THEY SAY YOU CAN START ON SATURDAY MORNING. If you would like to do the trail on your own, go between that time and 2:00pm. And don't run, you racist piece of shit.

• Trail will be A-to-A.

• There will be no in-person check-in, no hash cash, and no one accountable for you except you.

• If you would like to do the trail with other hashers in a somewhat "organized" way, show up at 2:00pm.

• If you are doing trail, we request you check in on the event page and say, “Hey, I’m doing this shit, hopefully I won’t die, my cell phone number is…” We’re putting some trust in you on this one, which I’m sure we’ll regret, but we are going to give it a shot nonetheless.

• The hares have been instructed that trail “Will need to be simple enough people can do it on their own, but it isn't going to have killer water crossings that someone will face alone, but there must still be shiggy!” Given who the hares are, we’ll hope they don’t fuck that one up.

• Circle will be virtual on Saturday night at 7pm. We will post the link to it on the trail info. In order to attend circle, you need to have a drink in hand and not wearing pants. Okay, that last part is optional, but really, why not?

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Thursday, May 28, 2020

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 270: Twinkle Cat Saves the Day!


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 270: Twinkle Cat Saves the Day!

When: Saturday, May 30th:
• Do Your Own Trail: "11:00am"-ish (Read Below!) - 1:69pm
• "OfFiCiAl" Trail: 2:00pm 

Where: Creekside West Trailhead
At the end of Dr. Anne Snyder Drive, Tomball, TX 77375
https://maps.app.goo.gl/zcD2b1eZoevufaJx9

Hares: Twinkle Toes & Outside Cat

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: Your fucking self and everything you need to survive a trail on your own.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 N or Hardy Toll Road to TX-99 (Grand Parkway).  Go west - that means left.  Go like 3-ish miles and exit Kuykendahl Rd/Spring Stuebner Rd.  Turn right onto Kuykendahl Rd, then go for about 5 miles and turn left onto Creekside Forest Dr.  Go 1 mile and turn right onto Dr. Ann Snyder Drive.  Go straight and look for the CREEKSIDE WEST TRAILHEAD.

Sidenote:
FROM SPORK: Two weeks ago, in a circle not far from here, Outside Cat volentold Twinkle Toes to hare this BMH3.  YAY FOR OUTSIDE CAT!  Now she's stuck laying it with him.  YAY EQUALITY!  And as a bonus, they will be *RE-LAYING* this trail on Sunday for H4, which means the following: reverse all the arrows, make the b00b checks into dicks, and make all the snakes angry for a 24 hour check-in!  You can plan on a dog with flour attached to a collar laying this trail for us.  Maybe.  I heard that somewhere.  Maybe not.  Who knows.  Rumors nowadays. BUT, I do know that the "hares" are planning 3-5 miles all shiggy, so "should" be shaded. Very "likely" to get wet.  Extreme "use" of quotes.  They will be laying relatively early SATURDAY MORNING.  When they are halfway done they will post on the BMH3 page to let us assholes know when we can go!  So, moral of the story, don't start trail until you are allowed.

Things are a changin’ here in the Lone Star state.  Apparently, people have gotten bored with the ‘rona, so it’s back to usual.  Because Texas.  That being said, we are going to do this in a compromise kind of way, a more use-real-lube-not-spit kinda way.  Some people are ready to hash with hashers and some are not, so we’re going to let both do what they want to do.  If you would like to do trail alone, start between WHEN THE HARES SAY YOU CAN START ON SATURDAY MORNING and 1:69pm.  Bam.  On your own, living your best life.  If you want to run the trail en masse, “OfFiCiAl” trail time will be at 2:00pm.  If you want to do trail with hashers, show up around that time.  Don't do it super late and die.  That would suck.

We will still do virtual circle at 7:00pm, with the link to be posted sometime 30 minutes – 1 hour before on the Brass Monkey FB event.  That’s all we’ve got.  Make good decisions out there.

*hares are assholes

NOW, READ THIS (UPDATED 05/13/2020):

• The hares will lay the trail on SATURDAY MORNING, so don't do it until after THEY SAY YOU CAN START ON SATURDAY MORNING. If you would like to do the trail on your own, go between that time and 2:00pm. And don't run, you racist piece of shit.

• Trail will be A-to-A.

• There will be no in-person check-in, no hash cash, and no one accountable for you except you.

• If you would like to do the trail with other hashers in a somewhat "organized" way, show up at 2:00pm.

• If you are doing trail, we request you check in on the event page and say, “Hey, I’m doing this shit, hopefully I won’t die, my cell phone number is…” We’re putting some trust in you on this one, which I’m sure we’ll regret, but we are going to give it a shot nonetheless.

• The hares have been instructed that trail “Will need to be simple enough people can do it on their own, but it isn't going to have killer water crossings that someone will face alone, but there must still be shiggy!” Given who the hares are, we’ll hope they don’t fuck that one up.

• Circle will be virtual on Saturday night at 7pm. We will post the link to it on the trail info. In order to attend circle, you need to have a drink in hand and not wearing pants. Okay, that last part is optional, but really, why not?

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Wednesday, May 13, 2020

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 269 - Ivanna 69 Your Bones


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 269 - Ivanna 69 Your Bones

When: Saturday, May 16th:
• Do Your Own Trail: 11:00am - 1:69pm
• "OfFiCiAl" Trail: 2:00pm

Where: HEB Parking Lot Near Burger King
https://goo.gl/maps/2woYko5759oq6aai6
3601 Farm to Market Road 1488
The Woodlands, TX 77382

Hares: Ivanna Hairy Buttchug & Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: Your fucking self and everything you need to survive a trail on your own.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 N or Hardy Toll Road until it deadends into I-45 to TX-242 W/College Park Drive. Exit there, and turn left at the light for TX-242 W/College Park Drive. Go until it deadends, all of it, the whole way. It will deadend into FM-1488, turn left. After you turn, look for a Burger King next to an HEB, and park at the row facing the street between them. Bam.

Sidenote:
FROM SPORK: I have spoken to these *hares and they have claimed the following: it will be a 4-ish mile trail with a manned beercheck, there are multiple *shallow water crossings, dog friendly, and cannot be run until Saturday after 11am! That’s right, due to Texas and its chance of storms – nay, probability of storms – before or during a monkey event, the hares will not be able to lay trail until Saturday morning. Which brings me to… TRAIL.

Things are a changin’ here in the Lone Star state. Apparently, people have gotten bored with the ‘rona, so it’s back to usual. Because Texas. That being said, we are going to do this in a compromise kind of way, a more use-real-lube-not-spit kinda way. Some people are ready to hash with hashers and some are not, so we’re going to let both do what they want to do. If you would like to do trail alone, start between 11:00am and 1:69pm. Bam. On your own, living your best life. If you want to run the trail en masse, “OfFiCiAl” trail time will be at 2:00pm. If you want to do trail with hashers, show up around that time. A later afternoon one (after 2pm) is not recommended as the chance of rain goes into the afternoon and evening so there is a high probability of trail being gone. Also *.

We will still do virtual circle at 7:00pm, with the link to be posted sometime 30 minutes – 1 hour before on the Brass Monkey FB event. That’s all we’ve got. Make good decisions out there.

*hares are assholes

NOW, READ THIS (UPDATED 05/13/2020):

• The hares will lay the trail on SATURDAY MORNING, so don't do it until after 11:00am. And don't run, you racist piece of shit.

• Trail will be A-to-A.

• There will be no in-person check-in, no hash cash, and no one accountable for you except you.

• If you would like to do the trail on your own, go between 11:00am - 2:00pm.

• If you would like to do the trail with other hashers in a somewhat "organized" way, show up at 2:00pm.

• If you are doing trail, we request you check in on the event page and say, “Hey, I’m doing this shit, hopefully I won’t die, my cell phone number is…” We’re putting some trust in you on this one, which I’m sure we’ll regret, but we are going to give it a shot nonetheless.

• The hares have been instructed that trail “Will need to be simple enough people can do it on their own, but it isn't going to have killer water crossings that someone will face alone, but there must still be shiggy!” Given who the hares are, we’ll hope they don’t fuck that one up.

• Circle will be virtual on Saturday night at 7pm. We will post the link to it on the trail info. In order to attend circle, you need to have a drink in hand and not wearing pants. Okay, that last part is optional, but really, why not?

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Thursday, April 30, 2020

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 268 - Homoglobin's "Trail of the Year" Solo Trail!


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 268 - Homoglobin's "Trail of the Year" Solo Trail!

When: Saturday, May 2nd, at Any Fucking Time You Please!

Where: Burrough's Park
*ALL THE WAY BACK, NEAR PAVILION*
9738 Hufsmith Road
Tomball, TX 77375

Hares: Homoglobin

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: Your fucking self and everything you need to survive a trail on your own.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 N or Hardy Toll Road to TX-99 (Grand Parkway), then go West.  That means left.  Take to Kuykendahl Road and turn right, that means North-ish.  Go for 4 miles or so, then turn left onto Huffsmith Road.  Go for a mile and a half, then as the road curves left the park will be on your right.  Go allllllllllllllllllllllllllll the way back.  Park in the last lot where the Pavilion is.  DON'T PARK OVERNIGHT.  #WombRaider #NeverForget

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARE: This was supposed to be the trail of the year, but not this year!  You can expect a 3-4 mile trail, all species friendly, with a beer check!  Wear bug spray and shiggy socks. 

FROM SPORK: We will be holding a VIRTUAL CIRCLE AT 7:00PM Central. The link will be posted shortly before it starts on this event page. It is best to do it from a laptop because if you try to use a tablet or a phone, you will have to download the app, and you won't be able to really see everyone attending very well. McPisser was awesome enough to create the event for us using his RichMan account so we won't be kicked off after 40 minutes like we would if we used my Homeless account. Thanks, McP!  Now, if you are planning on actually doing trail, please read through the shit below because there is some important ass info.  Not ass info.  I mean, all ass info is important, so this is just important info that has nothing to do with ass. Unfortunately. God I miss people.  Anywho... we look forward to trying this shit out, and hope you enjoy trail by yourself or with your family!

NOW, READ THIS:

Montgomery County (aka Monkeyland) has decreed: “All public and private gatherings OF MORE THAN FOUR PEOPLE occurring outside a single household or living unit are prohibited.” This means we are going to have to do trail a different way, à la other hashes you have seen. The way we are going to do it is as follows:

• The hares will lay the trail on Friday, and knowing them, it won’t be done until darkness so don’t try to do it Friday.

• Trail will be A-to-A and will not start from somewhere that is currently forbidden to park at.

• There will be no in-person check-in, no hash cash, and no one accountable for you except you.

• You will have the opportunity to do trail at any point on Saturday. You do you. That being said, make sure you just do you, and if you run into other hashers, try not to interact/mingle/bang there on trail. The last thing we need is some park ranger with a funny hat finding out who we are, what we are doing, and getting all excited that he finally gets to fill out his “GOT ‘EM!’ report. Stay separate, do your own thing.

• If you are doing trail, we request you check in on the event page and say, “Hey, I’m doing this shit, hopefully I won’t die, my cell phone number is…” We’re putting some trust in you on this one, which I’m sure we’ll regret, but we are going to give it a shot nonetheless.

• The hares have been instructed that trail “Will need to be simple enough people can do it on their own, but it isn't going to have killer water crossings that someone will face alone, but there must still be shiggy!” Given who the hares are, we’ll hope they don’t fuck that one up.

• Circle will be virtual on Saturday night at 7pm. We will post the link to it on the trail info. In order to attend circle, you need to have a drink in hand and not wearing pants. Okay, that last part is optional, but really, why not?

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Friday, April 17, 2020

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 267 - Womb Raider's Non-TXIH Solo Trail!


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 267 - Womb Raider's Non-TXIH Solo Trail!

When: Saturday, April 18th, at Any Fucking Time You Please!

Where: The Meadows at Imperial Oaks Recreation Center
Kendal Ridge Ln, Conroe, TX 77385

Hares: Womb Raider

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: Your fucking self and everything you need to survive a trail on your own.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 N to exit 73 Rayford Rd and turn right (east) on Rayford. Turn left (north) onto Aldine Westfield Rd. Take this until right before it dead ends and turn right (east) onto Kendal Ridge Ln. Go about a quarter mile until you get to the parking lot beside the Rec center in front of the playground.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARE: Trail will be between 3-4 miles long and marked in either toilet paper or purple crepe paper and flour. Expect Shiggy, fence line/ greenway running and a touch of pavement. There will be a solo song check. I encourage you to video said song check and post to fb so we can all hear your lovely voice. Otherwise you’ll just look like a crazy singing to yourself in the woods. There are some barbed wire fences (if you have to cross barbed wire it will be well marked and on the ground) and less than vagina deep water crossings. Trail is in virgin territory in the new hood with an anti-socially manned beer check in our backyard! Depending on the time of day and my mood you will either be warmly greeted, completely ignored or yelled at to “GET OFF MY LAWN!?!” by me, Dresses with Wolves and/ or possibly Mouth Organ from a safe distance. For bravely chancing socially distant abuse and heckling you will be rewarded with good beer from a sanitized cooler, water and extra bug spray. As you near my house at about mile 2 there is a neighborhood dog that roams free at times. He thinks our Shiggy is his. I don’t know this dog yet but he just barked at me a little and ran back toward his house today. He barks thru the fence at my dogs. I do not think he is aggressive but please be aware especially if you are planning on bringing pups. Don’t forget bug spray and look out for snakes!

FROM SPORK: We will be holding a VIRTUAL CIRCLE AT 7:00PM Central. The link will be posted shortly before it starts on this event page. It is best to do it from a laptop because if you try to use a tablet or a phone, you will have to download the app, and you won't be able to really see everyone attending very well. McPisser was awesome enough to create the event for us using his RichMan account so we won't be kicked off after 40 minutes like we would if we used my Homeless account. Thanks, McP! Now, if you are planning on actually doing trail, please read through the shit below because there is some important ass info. Not ass info. I mean, all ass info is important, so this is just important info that has nothing to do with ass. Unfortunately. God I miss people. Anywho... we look forward to trying this shit out, and hope you enjoy trail by yourself or with your family!

NOW, READ THIS:

Montgomery County (aka Monkeyland) has decreed: “All public and private gathering of any number of people occurring outside a single household or living unit are prohibited.” This means we are going to have to do trail a different way, à la other hashes you have seen. The way we are going to do it is as follows:

• The hares will lay the trail on Friday, and knowing them, it won’t be done until darkness so don’t try to do it Friday.

• Trail will be A-to-A and will not start from somewhere that is currently forbidden to park at.

• There will be no in-person check-in, no hash cash, and no booze waiting for you. As much as we’d like to chance having a stashed beer check with beer waiting halfway, for a myriad of reasons that is not feasible, so BYOfuckingeverything. If you want beer, bring beer. Bam.

• You will have the opportunity to do trail at any point on Saturday. You do you. That being said, make sure you just do you, and if you run into other hashers, try not to interact/mingle/bang there on trail. The last thing we need is some park ranger with a funny hat finding out who we are, what we are doing, and getting all excited that he finally gets to fill out his “GOT ‘EM!’ report. Stay separate, do your own thing.

• If you are doing trail, we request you check in on the event page and say, “Hey, I’m doing this shit, hopefully I won’t die, my cell phone number is…” We’re putting some trust in you on this one, which I’m sure we’ll regret, but we are going to give it a shot nonetheless.

• The hares have been instructed that trail “Will need to be simple enough people can do it on their own, but it isn't going to have killer water crossings that someone will face alone, but there must still be shiggy!” Given who the hares are, we’ll hope they don’t fuck that one up.

• Circle will be virtual on Saturday night at 7pm. We will post the link to it on the trail info. In order to attend circle, you need to have a drink in hand and not wearing pants. Okay, that last part is optional, but really, why not?

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 266 - Katch'a'Croc'o'Aryan's Solo Trail!



BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 266 - Katch'a'Croc'o'Aryan's Solo Trail!
 When: Saturday, April 4th, at Any Fucking Time You Please!

Where: Under A Creepy Bridge
Riley Fuzzel Road
Spring, TX 77386
Google Maps: 4JMX+JR Porter, Texas
(30.134616, -95.350272)

Hares: KatchUp, Croc of Shit, and Aryan Sisterhood

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: Your fucking self and everything you need to survive a trail on your own.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 or the Hardy Toll Road to TX-99 (Grand Parkway) and go East, that means Right. Take the exit toward Townsen Blvd. Merge onto Riley Fuzzel Road next to the freeway and just keep going until it deadends and forces you under the bridge back the other way.  There is a dirt "parking lot" under the bridge, park there!  There will not be any assholes to look for, but there may be some other cars there!

Sidenote:
Well, here it is.  Our first "Do Your Own Trail Adventure", staring you, as the dumb ass who showed up for this thing!  As you can read more in detail about below, trail MUST BE DONE ON YOUR OWN DUE TO MONTGOMERY COUNTY ORDERS!  Trail is being laid Friday, and will be ready Saturday.  The hares will be laying in FLAGGING and FLOUR, so look for both.  Maybe if they are awesome enough, they will post some pictures on here of some of the things you should look for.  Keep in mind, one of the hares, who  will remain "namenlos" as we say in German, tried to bail out of this bitch saying we weren't worth it.  How dare him.  But between my Jewish guilt, KatchUps strongly worded messages, and Croc of Shit's "present" voting -- adding literally nothing to the discourse -- he finally came around.  Like I said, I won't tell you who it was, but just know it was a thing. 

We will be holding a VIRTUAL CIRCLE AT 7:00PM Central. The link will be posted shortly before it starts on this event page. It is best to do it from a laptop because if you try to use a tablet or a phone, you will have to download the app, and you won't be able to really see everyone attending very well. McPisser was awesome enough to create the event for us using his RichMan account so we won't be kicked off after 40 minutes like we would if we used my Homeless account. Thanks, McP!  Now, if you are planning on actually doing trail, please read through the shit below because there is some important ass info.  Not ass info.  I mean, all ass info is important, so this is just important info that has nothing to do with ass. Unfortunately. God I miss people.  Anywho... we look forward to trying this shit out, and hope you enjoy trail by yourself or with your family!

P.S. I hope your kids enjoy b00b checks. 

NOW, READ THIS:

Montgomery County (aka Monkeyland) has decreed: “All public and private gathering of any number of people occurring outside a single household or living unit are prohibited.” This means we are going to have to do trail a different way, à la other hashes you have seen. The way we are going to do it is as follows:

• The hares will lay the trail on Friday, and knowing them, it won’t be done until darkness so don’t try to do it Friday.

• Trail will be A-to-A and will not start from somewhere that is currently forbidden to park at.

• There will be no in-person check-in, no hash cash, and no booze waiting for you. As much as we’d like to chance having a stashed beer check with beer waiting halfway, for a myriad of reasons that is not feasible, so BYOfuckingeverything. If you want beer, bring beer. Bam.

• You will have the opportunity to do trail at any point on Saturday. You do you. That being said, make sure you just do you, and if you run into other hashers, try not to interact/mingle/bang there on trail. The last thing we need is some park ranger with a funny hat finding out who we are, what we are doing, and getting all excited that he finally gets to fill out his “GOT ‘EM!’ report. Stay separate, do your own thing.

• If you are doing trail, we request you check in on the event page and say, “Hey, I’m doing this shit, hopefully I won’t die, my cell phone number is…” We’re putting some trust in you on this one, which I’m sure we’ll regret, but we are going to give it a shot nonetheless.

• The hares have been instructed that trail “Will need to be simple enough people can do it on their own, but it isn't going to have killer water crossings that someone will face alone, but there must still be shiggy!” Given who the hares are, we’ll hope they don’t fuck that one up.

• Circle will be virtual on Saturday night at 7pm. We will post the link to it on the trail info. In order to attend circle, you need to have a drink in hand and not wearing pants. Okay, that last part is optional, but really, why not?

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Wednesday, March 18, 2020

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 265 - Spork & Cum-Puss' Analversary Trail!


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 265 - Spork & Cum-Puss' Analversary Trail!

When: Saturday, March 21st, at 3:00pm! *NOTE DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME CHANGE*

Where: High Oaks Park
13100 Sawmill Road
The Woodlands, TX 77380

Hares: Cocktor Spork & Cum-Puss

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash (ELECTRONICALLY!) , shag bag, warm clothes, bug spray, PI repellent (if applicable), $$(ELECTRONICALLY!) for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road to I-45 and exit 73, Rayford Road / Sawdust Road. Turn left at the light onto Sawdust Road. Go like 4-5 lights to Sawmill Road, then turn left.  Go to the dead-end, loop around, and park next to the park on the street.

Sidenote (FROM THE HARE): In 2006, at a Goodwill store in Southern California, Cocktor Spork & Cum-Puss met, and knew they needed to start pounding.  And now, 14 years later, they are celebrating the fact that they still do, and don't yet hate each other!  Cum out and celebrate with a short, 2-4 mile-ish trail; trying to keep it on the lower end, but once I get into the shiggy who knows what can happen.  One beer check, all shiggy, space yourselves out accordingly.  Circle is going to be spread out, snacks will be individual, and we're only going to take ePayments.  Things are going to be different, but we're still going to be offensive - possibly even more so since we've all been pent up inside. 

Side Sidenote: Because of life and current events, please read through this shit and make sure you understand.  Do not come if you know you should not.  Seriously.

BEFORE THE HASH:

● If you have recently been traveling, if you’ve been in/around/near someone who may be contaminated, if you work in an industry where catching something could really fuck your world up, or if you – for any reason in your adult brain – think it might not be a good idea for you to cum, don’t. Please. Just don’t. Don’t ruin this for everyone.

● Stay as healthy as possible. I know it sounds stupid, but seriously: wash your hands, bathe regularly, don’t be gross. Ew.

AT THE HASH:

● We aren’t going to take paper money, or cash as the kids call it. You will only be able to pay electronically via PayPal, Zelle, or some other eShit like that. If you don’t have an account, cool, pay someone at the start who is okay with doing it for you. Less touching of things that others have touched the better. *Insert monkey laundering joke here*

● Snacks will only be what is available in the small individual bags, vending machine style. At this point, there could be nothing but off-brand Doritos left, we’ll see, but we will not be using the larger shareable snacky cake bags.

● We will not be sharing Monkeys. Fucking duh. We will have Monkeys, and we will have individual mini-OJs; (1) Monkey + (1) Mini-OJ = (1) Person’s Monkey. Since we don’t know how many of you will be there, depending on numbers not everyone may be able to get one. Sucks, I know. If you are worried about it, pull a Vagineer and bring your own.

● Social distancing. It’s a thing. Circle will be spread out to give everyone their own space. We are not a large enough kennel to have multiple trails or circles, so we will work with what we’ve got, but be as safe as possible while doing it.

● Since the antibodies to the Coronavirus are probably in the FRB helmet, and we wouldn’t want to deprive anyone of the chance to earn some health points, we’ll just fill it with a beer of the FRB’s choosing and they can take it to the dome. Otherwise, they can shotgun a beer. They are getting punished one way or the other.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork