Wednesday, October 17, 2018

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 228: Twinkle Toes Out, Outside Cat In



BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 228: Twinkle Toes Out, Outside Cat In

When: Saturday, October 20th, at **2:00pm!** NOTE THE EARLIER START TIME!

Where: Twinkle Toes' Old House, Outside Cat's New Lair
18 South Rainforest Court
The Woodlands, TX  77380

Hares: IT'S A FUCKING MONKEY MILE!

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON:
Go north on I-45 or Hardy Toll Road until it dead ends into I-45. Exit 73 for Rayford/Sawdust road. Turn left. Go for a few lights until you get to where Sawdust turns hard left at the Burger King / Starbucks / CVS intersection and turn left with it. Follow that and turn at your second light, Sawmill Road.  Go all the way to end the of Sawmill Road and turn left.  Go to your first stop sign, and the house on your right directly on that corner next to you is the start. Bam. Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
FROM MONKEYLORE: Once upon a time, there was a hasher named Twinkle Toes who liked to live life with a laissez-faire attitude.  Every now and then, when he deemed it necessary, he would get a job.  However, Twinkle Toes, being a glutton for punishment, never wanted to work near his house in The Woodlands.  He first worked downtown, but that was not far enough, so he said FUCK YOU to that job. 

For a while, Twinkle didn’t feel like working again, so he didn’t, ‘cause he’s Twinkle.  Then, a while later, he decided it was time for another job, but this time it was gonna be like Bellaire, or Katy, or some shit equally as terrible on the westside.  He worked there for a while, but that was not far enough, so he said FUCK YOU to that job. 

Time passed and people wondered if Twinkle would ever work again, which he didn’t, for a really long time.  Then, one day Twinkle announced, “I found a job!” People wondered, “Where is this job?  Clear Lake?  Atascocita?  College Station?”  “No!” said Twinkle, “It’s in Minnesota!”  Because of course it is, you sick sick bastard.  So now it is time to wish our Twinkle goodbye for one year as he heads north just in time for winter to do studies about icicles in beards. 

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!  Twinkle may be leaving us for a year, but he will not be leaving us empty handed!  Outside Cat will be moving up here to the great and far northside, where she will no doubt become accustomed to living the suburban housewife lifestyle.  So cum one, cum all, cum everywhere to celebrate a big warm and sticky goodbye to Twinkle Toes, and a big warm welcum to Outside Cat! 

We will do this in a plain and simple fashion and do a good ‘ol fashioned MONKEY MILE!  That means you’ll be drinking 40 ounces to freedom style where you get one monkey, one mile, and no vomit allowed! :-)  This also means you need to accurately RSVP so we know how many fucking monkeys to get!  Ya heard?

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Wednesday, October 03, 2018

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 227: SKÖRK


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 227 - Cocktor Spork & Skeet Squad Present: Skörk, The 10 Year Analversary!

When: Saturday, October 6th, at **3:00pm!**

Where: Bear Branch Sports Fields
5205 Research Forest Drive
The Woodlands, TX 77381

Hares: Cocktor Spork + Skeet Squad = Skörk

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON:
I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it dead ends into I-45. Take Exit 77 for Research Forest Drive. Turn left on Research Forest Drive and go for 3 miles and Bear Branch Sports Fields will be on your LEFT - *not* Bear Branch Skatepark across the street on the right! Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: There are times in life when we come together to celebrate great things – wonderful things… this is not one of those times. *However*, we are still going to lay a fucking trail anyway, and you know damn well you want to come. Cocktor Spork and Skeet Squad met at a country wedding where mullets and confederate flags were in the majority, a place where they still bartered in natty light. That night, as the country music played, their eyes met over a horseshoe game and instantly they were drawn to each other like MOTHS to an unguarded 45-watt lightbulb. Their kindred spirits met and became one. Now, instead of buying each other shiny and reflective things, we shall lay a trail where we will, no doubt, get into a fight like people who have actually been married 10 years. Now, what can you expect? At least ONE beer check and at least ONE shot check! The shots will be reminiscent of drinks that turned these two into one… like spice girls bitches. SEXUAL CHOCOLATE! Trail will be three to five miles, probably shorter, but fences and google aren’t exactly on speaking terms. We shall see. Bring a change of clothes because on after is slightly better than Papa’s, so we’ll need to look a little less homeless than usual.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Monday, September 17, 2018

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 226 - Ivanna Hairy Buttchug & Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon's B00B n' DICK Birfday Extravaganza!


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 226 - Ivanna Hairy Buttchug & Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon's B00B n' DICK Birfday Extravaganza!

When: Saturday, September 22nd, at **3:00pm!**

Where: Target
32858 FM 2978 Road
Magnolia, TX  77354
*Park in the Target parking lot against the Research Forest side*

Hares: Ivanna Hairy Buttchug & Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON:
I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it dead ends into I-45. Take the exit for TX-242 West/College Park Drive.  Take the feeder to the light, then turn left.  Go for like 2.5 miles, then turn left on Green Bridge Drive.  Take that until it dead ends into Research Forest Drive, then turn right.  Take that all the way until you see a big ass Target on your right, then park in the parking lot nearest you next to Target.  Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: This will be Indiana Bones' and Ivanna Hairy Buttchug's combined BIRFDAY trail.  We will celebrate with a beer check, some sort of booze check, and we may leave other birthday gifts on trail, too!  Trail is dog friendly, shaded, and mostly dry with some really nice shiggy!

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Thursday, September 06, 2018

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 225 - Spork’s Nighttime BDay GayDay Trail!


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 225 - Spork’s Nighttime BDay GayDay Trail!

When: Saturday, September 8th, at *****7:00pm!*****

Where: Sawmill Park
2200 Millpark Drive
The Woodlands, TX 77380

Hare: Cocktor Spork

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON:
I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it dead ends into I-45. Take Exit 73 for Rayford/Sawdust. Turn left at the light (Sawdust), and go straight for like two miles. Turn left onto Millpark Drive - directly past Sawmill Road, the park is on your left. Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARE: Ladies & Gents, Boys & Girls, ‘tis that time a year again. The time when you come wish Spork good luck for another year of gay-llivanting around, doing Spork things. So I, Cocktor Spork, shall in turn give you a short and sweet little trail that you will no doubt love. BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! Also happening on this day, for the first time EVER, The Woodlands will be having a PRIDE festival for all the gays and those who have the body of a gay, but say they aren’t gay, even though they say it with dicks falling out of their mouths. And hags, they’re there, too. Now, because people in The Woodlands are rich and don’t understand how the gays work, their festival is from 11:00am – 5:00pm. Gays don’t even get out of bed until 5:00pm. Anywho, I will of course be attending, because, duh: unicorns, rainbows, booze, drag queens, all the things. So, I will go there and be merry, drinking alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll day, and then I will come and LIVE LAY, yes LIVE LAY, this glorious trail for you fine folks at 7:00pm in the evening!!! NOTE THE FUCKING TIME! So, bring a fucking headlamp. Seriously, it’ll be darkish. There will be some urban, some shiggy, and have a beer check on top! At the beer check, you will catch a rare glimpse of the Cum-Puss, out of his natural habitat, most likely gnawing on some kind of noodle or meat-stick. So, cum one, cum all, and cum in the evening with the rest of us!

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Wednesday, August 22, 2018

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 224 - The 2nd Anal Flock You Hash


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 224 - The 2nd Anal Flock You Hash

When: Saturday, August 25th, at ***3:00pm!***

Where: Northwood Pines Park
Spring, TX 77373
(Off Northgate Crossing Blvd. & Kingbriar Lane)

Hares: Dumbsterbaitor, Womb Raider, Mouth Organ and Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon.

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON:
I-45 N to exit 72. From north feeder turn right towards Hardy toll road then left onto Northgate Crossing Blvd.
OR
Hardy toll road to Northgate crossing exit. Turn right on Northgate Crossing Blvd.
Park is on the right in about ½ a mile.
Please car pool if you can. Parking lot is on the smaller side.

Sidenote:
FROM THE FLOCK LEADERS: It is once again time to don those beautiful feather and get ready to fly thru the shiggy!! We want to see some BIRDS so there will be PRIZES!! 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place prizes for best birds. If you’re the only bird then WHOO HOO you get all the loot!! Don’t miss out!! Put on your best feathers!! Trail will be a 3-4 mile mix of runnable trail, shiggy (of course) and water crossings. Trail should be hash dog friendly. There will be 2 (yes 2!) manned Flocktail checks with hard cider, good beer, possibly something weird from Indiana Bones and cold water so you don’t die. Womb Raider is baking some cookies and possibly concocting a special Flocktail drink for circle. See all you birds Saturday.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Friday, August 10, 2018

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 223


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 223

When: Saturday, August 11th, at ***3:00pm!***

Where: Timber Lakes/Timber Ridge Pool-ish
3434 Royal Oaks Drive,
The Woodlands, TX
*Park along Timber Lakes Road. Look for assholes.

Hare: Homoglobin

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road to exit 73 for Rayford / Sawdust. Turn left onto Sawdust Road, and take it for like 4-ish lights, and SAWDUST TURNS LEFT. Like, going straight is another street, so yeah, turn left onto Sawdust at the Starbucks/Burger King intersection. You will then follow Sawdust the entire fucking way until it deadends. You'll go hard right, right, left, bam, fucking deadend. Turn right onto Glen Lock Drive. Turn left on Royal Oaks Drive. Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARE: 3-4 mile trail, water crossings, dog friendly! Nothing else spectacular besides shiggy one beer check.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Friday, July 27, 2018

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 222

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 222

When: Saturday, July 28th, at ***3:00pm!***

Where: Spring Creek Greenway Nature Center

1300 Riley Fuzzel Road, Spring, TX 77386

Hares: Aryan Sisterhood, Outside Cat, Twinkle Toes, and Croc of Shit

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take Hardy Toll Road North for like 20 miles then take the Riley Fuzzel Road exit.  Turn right onto Riley Fuzzel Road, then turn left into the park right there.  Bam.  Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: Yes it will be hot, yes it will be miserable, yes we’re being punished for our (ketchup’s) sins. But not Saturday God, Saturday we celebrate the suck. Outside Cat, Twinkle Toes, and Croc of Shit will do their best to make this a survivable trail. It’ll be less than 3 miles of shade, water, at least one beer check, and heat strokes. Come find out what bad habits Aryan Sisterhood has learned hashing in DFW.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork