Monday, September 16, 2019

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 252 - 3rd AИAL Flock You Hash!


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 252 - 3rd AИAL Flock You Hash!


When: Saturday, September 21st, at 3:00pm!


Where: ACROSS THE STREET IN THE DIRT PARKING LOT FROM...
Rob Fleming Park
6055 Creekside Forest Drive
Spring, TX 77389


Hares: Womb Raider, Dumpsterbaitor, Indiana Bones, Mouth Organ, Outside Cat, and Aryan Sisterhood


Why: Because you like drinking, period.


Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.


D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North to Woodlands Parkway going west for about 4 miles. Turn left at Gosling. Turn right at Creekside Forest. Go to the traffic circle (round-about) and take first right onto Creekside Forest Drive. George Mitchell Preserve trailhead is on the right and a large dirt parking lot next to that.


Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: Cum celebrate the survival of the Flock You Hash! There can be only one! It’s been rough lately for Brass Monkey special event hashes (RIP VooDoo Monkey, Iron Hash and Green Dress) but the FLOCK YOU HASH REFUSES. TO. DIE. Get your feathers ready and pucker up your little asshole! Your Flock leaders have made some elaborate plans for the 3rd Anal Flock You Hash and at least 10% will cum to fruition! If you make the right choice and cum you will get: AN AWESOME MIGRATION/TRAIL, A KICKASS PATCH, “PRIZES”, BIRD THEMED FOOD (hot and tasty), and DRINKS! Trail will be about 5 miles long. There will be at least 2 manned beer checks and 1 shot check. Little birds that may be/get injured or overheated or lazy can bail out at checks (warning you will drink for it). There will be trail treasures to find for special “prizes” at circle. Bird Costumes are highly encouraged. Please!?! We really want to have some feathered friends. We can’t wait to see our flock! We’re so excited we could pee out of our cloacas!!!


What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…


Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)


Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Wednesday, September 04, 2019

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 251 - Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon's Birfday Trail!


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 251 - Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon's Birfday Trail!

When: Saturday, September 7th, at 3:00pm!

Where: Burroughs Park
9738 Huffsmith Road
*Farther parking lot / cul-de-sac / Pavilion area
Tomball, TX

Hares: Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon & Ivanna Hairy Buttchug

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road to Grand Parkway (TX-99) and go West - that means left. Take the exit toward Kuykendahl Road. Turn right onto Kuykendahl Road, then turn left onto Hufsmith Road. Take that and it will curve to the left, then park will be on your right. Go in and take it until you hit the last park at the deadend. Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
NOT FROM HARES: Although Cocktor Spork and Indiana Bones share the same birthday, they were unable to co-hare this year due to an ongoing custody battle with a Rapunzel barbie, different uses for Ivanna, and a John Stamos poster.  So the last trail was Spork's death march, and this will be Indiana's response!  Let's she what she's got!  She said.........
FROM THE HARES: Come celebrate the day of birth of Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon, which she shares with Cocktor Spork. Unlike his birthday trail, this one is not designed to kill you! Trail will be 3-4 miles with shiggy, water crossings, beer check, and boozy popsicles.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Monday, August 05, 2019

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 249: The Ivanna-Bone-Hairy-ButtPoon Trail


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 249: The Ivanna-Bone-Hairy-ButtPoon Trail

When: Saturday, August 10th, at 3:00pm!

Where: 24 Hour Fitness
10860 Kuykendahl Road
The Woodlands, TX 77381

Hares: Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon & Ivanna Hairy Buttchug

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it deadends into I-45.  Take Exit 76B for Woodlands Parkway.  Go for 6-ish miles and turn left on Kuykendahl Road.  Take your second left into the shopping center and look for assholes in the 24 Hour Fitness parking lot.

Sidenote:
Summer is coming to an end, so it's time to get one last Saturday in before those fucking kids start ruining our Saturdays again.  Per the hares, you can expect 3-4 miles of dog friendly shaded shiggy with multiple water crossings and at least one beer check.  It's going to be hot as fuck, so drink water, and get your bitching about the heat out before you show up.  I mean, we'll all still bitch, but get the majority of it out.  We're in this together.  Since we are starting at a gym that means we can mean-mug people as we drink 40s while they are walking in to be all healthy.  Gross.  Come on out, you won't want to miss it!

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Thursday, July 25, 2019

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 248: Cat & Just Lizzy Spray in the Woods


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 248: Cat & Just Lizzy Spray in the Woods

When: Saturday, July 27th, at 3:00pm!

Where: Spring Creek Nature Trail
4CXP+7P Haven Lake Estates, Texas
Tomball, TX  77375

Hares: Outside Cat & Just Lizzy

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road to the Grand Parkway (TX-99) WEST.  Take that to Kuykendahl Road, then exit and go NORTH, that means right.  Take that to Creekside Forest Drive, then turn left and take that all the way to the park, which will be on your right.  Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
Ok kids, this should be a fun one.  It's already in a fun place by trying to figure out where this fucking thing is actually starting.  Which brings me to my first point: (1) the hares may change the starting location.  Why?  Because hares lie.  That brings me to point (2), see point (1).  We are told to expect shiggy with one to two beer checks, bring bug spray and a change of clothes. Because duh, it's a monkey.  They both have dogs, so maybe dog friendly?  This trail almost happened a couple months back, but trail was stolen out from under them by an evil Spork who gave it to an evil candystore lady and her evil husband.  So now, after caucusing some more, they have come up with their revenge trail to make us pay for not giving it to them when there was cooler weather.  Just Lizzy has been fucked with by the monkeys for a little while now, it's time to make her pay for everything she knows about us that we still don't know about her... and her little dog, too.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Wednesday, July 10, 2019

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 247: Donnie the Retard FINALLY Hares!


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 247: Donnie the Retard FINALLY Hares!

When: Saturday, July 13th, at 3:00pm!

Where: Shadowbend Park
4192 Lake Woodlands Drive
The Woodlands, TX 77381

Hares: Donnie the Retard & One Shot One Kill

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it deadends into I-45. Take exit 76B for Woodlands Parkway. Take that ramp over the freeway and straight for 3-4 miles, then turn right on Gosling Road. Go straight for a mile or so and turn left at the second light, Lake Woodlands Drive. Go for just over a half mile and the park will be on your left just past Shadowbend Drive. Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
Ladies & Gents, it's going to be a big week. Some *shit* is happening this week. Get the fuck ready. Firstishly, Donnie the Retard -- yes, THE Donnie the Retard -- will be haring!! What?! Shock 'n'awe. Donnie, who was supposed to have hared like two fucking trails by now, will be laying his FIRST trail of the year! Wooooohooooo!! We haven't gone full retard in a while. But wait, there's more! Donnie and ESPN's child, like, actual child, will be co-haring with him! That's right, this will be One Shot One Kill's virgin lay! I think? Maybe ESPN was pregnant there for a while and doing some haring, maybe that counts? In any case, this will be the first time she can be put to work carrying flour, so BAM, upgrade. Since she will be too young for circle, Donnie will be drinking for BOTH hares. So that'll be fun. Per el Retard, it will be a "shady run with some shiggy mixed in." Who knows what he means by shady, maybe there's homeless people on trail. You never know. Also, "walker friendly, lots of poison ivy, water crossings, and refreshing buzz balls at the beer stop. Under 12 miles guaranteed."

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Saturday, June 22, 2019

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 246 - The Skeeting Penis Meowth Barfday Extra-Gava-Ganza!!!


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 246 - The Skeeting Penis Meowth Barfday Extra-Gava-Ganza!!!

When: Saturday, June 29th, at 3:00pm!

Where: Burrough's Park
9738 Huffsmith Road
*Farther parking lot / cul-de-sac
Tomball, TX

Hares: Outside Cat, Skeet Squad, and Penis First Mouth Second

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road to Grand Parkway (TX-99) and go West - that means left. Take the exit toward Kuykendahl Road. Turn right onto Kuykendahl Road, then turn left onto Hufsmith Road. Take that and it will curve to the left, then park will be on your right. Go in and take it until you hit the last park at the deadend. Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: Cum one cum all in your pants and with your party pants to the something'th annual Skeeting Penis Meowth Barfday Extra-gava-ganza!! The one time a year when you want to actually try, when you want to be first, when you try your damnedest to catch a penis and a pussy and some skeet at the same time!! This live lay will be hot, it will be wet, and it will be dirty. For the edge-play enthusiasts, there may also be blood. But by no means should you drink anything but aqua to prep yourselves because lick her there shall be and lick her you shall! We have nothing but the finest of live hare trails "prepared" for you to traverse, and diety help you if you actually catch us! Feel free to bring your floppy foamy noodle or flotationable sex toy of choice in the hopes that you might actually get to use it. If you actually find trail, if you actually make it half way, if you don't give up like a bunch of whiny... insert derogatory body part here... you will be thoroughly punished through the duration and possibly rewarded with cake near the end. I have the utmost of faith for everyone in attendance that this shitshow will be appreciated as much as the first coke can cock after a looooong line of vienna sausages. So open your minds, open your holes, and bring your fucking running clothes, it's time again to get laid.... Live. Good luck! Yer gonna knead it like a ballsack.

- Outside Cat, Penis First, and Skeeter Peter

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 245 - The Wombsterbaitor Express!


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 245 - The Wombsterbaitor Express!

When: Saturday, June 15th, at 3:00pm!

Where: Montgomery County Preserve Trailhead
(30.112081, -95.451869)
***Not exact address. This is the strip mall. ***
1043 Pruitt Rd.
The Woodlands, TX 77380
Google Maps: 4G6X+Q7 The Woodlands, Texas

Hares: Womb Raider & Dumpsterbaitor

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 N or Hardy Toll road until it deadends into I-45. Take exit 73 towards Sawdust. Use the far-left lane at Sawdust to U-turn onto I-45 S feeder. From feeder, turn RIGHT just past the Texaco onto Pruitt Rd. Go past Papas Icehouse to the stop sign at the T. Turn LEFT onto Pruitt road. Go for about 0.5 mile and turn LEFT just past the small strip mall. There will be a white sign with James Noack Montgomery County Preserve and Nature Trail Spring Creek Greenway on the corner. Parking lot is on the right. If you get to Gullo Park or the baseball fields you fucked up. Turn around and try again.  Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: Haring felt so nice I’m doing it twice! Co-haring last trail with Spork was awesome. This time I get to hare with Dumpsterbaitor. YAY! This is another virgin end (I think) so we shall see if we get to meet new cops again. It’s the middle of June and it’s HOT! Time to spend some time in the creeks getting WET. Trial will be 3-4 miles with one manned beer check. There will be multiple water crossings. Trail will be all Shiggy with little to no pavement. I’m sure we’ll find some thorns out there so expect to bleed a little. As usual, I will bring some good craft beer. To cool you off at circle, I will also once again be using my sciencey skills to make BOOZY freezer pops. I’m sure Dumpsterbaitor will be bringing some yummy snacks too.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork