Tuesday, May 14, 2019


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 243: Ivanna & Indiana Bones' Revenge

When: Saturday, May 18th, at 3:00pm!

Where: ACROSS THE STREET FROM MAIN PARK AT THE TRAIL HEAD - THERE IS NO ADDRESS:
W G Jones State Forest
Across the street from 1328 Farm to Market Road 1488
Conroe, TX 77384
Google Maps: 6GM9+P4 Conroe, Texas

Hares: Ivanna Hairy ButtChug and Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it deadends into I-45. Take exit 81 for FM 1488 west toward Magnolia/Hempstead. Take FM 1488 West for about 1.5 miles then look on the LEFT for the trailhead; the trailhead doesn't have and address, so we used the one across the street. Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: Spring time in Texas means wet and floods. We have decided to not run along a river this time. Fucking rain! We will get you wet, we will get you muddy, we will draw blood. Perfect monkey trail. Bring your thirst for adventure, for beer, and sillyness. Trail is A to A. You can expect 4-ish miles of dog friendly, people friendly, not under 10 feet of water. Friendly. There will be at least one beer check!

NOT FROM HARES: For those of you that were there last trail, you know what we went through. We dealt with things we should never speak of again, like those kids from "IT". Maybe years from now, when we've gone through therapy from last trail, we will be able to speak of those events. But now? Not yet. Ivanna and Indiana Bones are doing a bit of the old "take two", so we'll see how this one goes. Thoughts and prayers for those still lost out on the last trail.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Friday, April 26, 2019

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 242 - El Cinco de Monkey


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 242 - El Cinco de Monkey

When: Saturday, May 4th, at 3:00pm! ***NOTE THE START TIME!***

Where: George Mitchell Nature Preserve - Spring Creek Greenway
Flintridge Drive
The Woodlands, TX 77381
(30.163037, -95.517794)

Hares: Ivanna Hairy ButtChug, Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon, and Just Lizzy

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it deadends into I-45. Take exit 76B onto Woodlands Parkway and go for about 3-ish miles. Turn left onto Gosling Road, then take your first right at Flintridge Drive. Go for just over a half mile, and the Nature Preserve will be on your left. Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: Even though TXIH is over, we are Monkeys and we are prepared to give you another shit show. This is a Cinco de Mayo trail. Expect several crossing of the Rio while bringing your asylum claims and stray niños/niñas. Time to honor our friends from the south by wearing your sombreros and ponchos. There will be a piñata check that may have some booze in it? and maybe some tequila?? Some of you will get the "worm". Expect 4ish miles and at least one beer check. Trail is dog friendly and A-A. Hash cash is 95 pesos. Bring your anti-ICE spray and tunneling equipment. Wall jumping socks are required.

On another sidenote, this will be Just Lizzy's virgin hare!! Coming to us with all kinds of enthusiasm and smiles, we'll see what this does to Just Lizzy, and what she does to us... Come help us make the virgin hare drink for all her crimes as we drink down alllllll the tequila. *quiver*

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Wednesday, April 03, 2019


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 240: The Hookers of Hashwick

When: Saturday, April 6th, at 3:00pm! ***NOTE THE START TIME!***

Where: Burroughs Park
9738 Hufsmith Road
Tomball, TX  77375
*At the dog park area*

Hares: Road Head, The Jersey Score, and Hot Ham Wallet

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road to Grand Parkway (TX-99) and go West - that means left. Take the exit toward Kuykendahl Road. Turn right onto Kuykendahl Road, then turn left onto Hufsmith Road.  Take that and it will curve to the left, then park will be on your right.  Go in and take it until you hit the dog park.  Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: One year and two weeks ago I was convinced to cum to what I believed was a chill day walking through the woods and smoking hash….and what turned out to be complete and utter bloody mayhem.

may·hem/ˈmāˌhem/noun:
violent or damaging disorder; chaos. synonyms: chaos, disorder, confusion, havoc, bedlam, pandemonium, tumult, uproar, turmoil, madness, madhouse, hullabaloo, all hell broken loose, wild disarray, disorganization, maelstrom, trouble, disturbance, commotion, riot, anarchy, destruction, violence "furious TV bosses watched stunned as the band created mayhem onstage"

This Saturday please join three virginish trail layers exacting revenge on a beautiful somewhat chaotic trail. Expect to get lost (thanks HHW), get bored, get scared, horny, tired, a bit of shiggy, little bit of water….aaaand…who the fuck knows what else. Weather says rain but again, who the fuck knows.

Super dog friendly.

Come to Burroughs Park go almost all the way to the pavilion and park in the parking lot before the pavilion – the dog park parking.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Tuesday, March 19, 2019

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 239 - Spork & Cum-Puss' Analversary Trail!


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 239 - Spork & Cum-Puss' Analversary Trail!

When: Saturday, March 23rd, at 3:00pm! ***NOTE THE START TIME!***

Where: Mountain Cypress Trail
Spring, Texas 77389

Hares: Cocktor Spork & Cum-Puss

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road to Grand Parkway (TX-99) and go West - that means left. Take to Gosling Road and exit; go North - that means right. Go for almost two miles and turn right onto Hampton Pointe Boulevard, Hampton Pointe subdivision. Take all the way until it deadends onto Mountain Cypress Trail, then turn right. Take that street while it curves and we'll be towards the end in the undeveloped area. Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: Many moons ago, when Bush was still the president, when nazis were still bad, while R. Kelly was busy making tapes, Cocktor Spork and Cum-Puss met at a Goodwill in California, and Cum-Puss’ anus was never the same. Now, fifteen effing years later from that day in 2006, the gays are now celebrating their:
        Analversary: March 23rd, 2008
        Engagement: March 23rd, 2011
        Wedding: March 23rd, 2014
        This Fucking Hash: 5th Fucking Wedding Analversary!
So, come out – to the hash or of the closet – maybe catch the gay, maybe take a rainbow to the ass, and maybe taste the rainbow… the possibilities are endless! Trail will be 3-ish miles? I think? The start is in the back of a neighborhood where they are finishing incomplete houses, so look for empty lots and bad decisions! Good shiggy, one beer check, and a gay old time. Since the gays control the weather and such, we’ll decide once it gets closer how we’ll arrange that. Bring a change of clothes and shoes regardless. See your buns there!

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Tuesday, March 05, 2019


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 238 - The First Anal Choke-a-Chup Trail!

When: Saturday, March 8th, at 2:00pm!

Where: Bear Branch Dog Park
5200 Research Forest Drive
The Woodlands, TX 77381

Hares: Choker Stroker & KatchUp

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy to until it deadends into I-45. Take exit 77 toward Lake Woodlands Drive / Research Forest Drive / Tamina Road. Go to Research Forest Drive and turn left. Go for three miles and the park will be ON YOUR RIGHT just past Shadowbend Road. Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: Welcome my pretty ones to the Choke Chup trail. We are happy to be haring a trail that is surely going to end with some choking. This is a house warming party/trail so there shall be shelter and Whors d'oeuvre at the end. We would like to have this be a stock the bar event if you are feeling generous. The weather predictor says its gonna be cold and rainy so be prepared. The trail will be dog friendly and the dogs may get to sniff a new asshole at the start, so that's a plus.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Tuesday, February 19, 2019


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 237 - Brass Monkey 9th Analversary & First Ever Expeditionary Hash!

When: Saturday, February 23rd, at 2:00pm!

Where: City of Conroe WWTP (Wastewater Treatment Plant)
2499 Sgt Ed Holcomb Blvd S
Conroe, TX  77304

Hare: Lil' Pussy

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy to until it deadends into I-45.  Take exit 84B toward South Frazier Street/TX-75/Texas 336 Loop. Turn left onto S Loop 336 W and go for about a mile and a half.  Turn left onto Sgt Ed Holcomb Blvd S and go alllllll the way until it deadends.  Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
In February 2010, the Brass Monkey hash was birthed, and the northside hasn't been the same since.  Over the last 9 years, we've done some crazy shit, and it has somehow only ended up in two arrests. (One was a VooDoo hasher and one was KatchUp, go figure).  Each year, around this time, the Analversary trail is usually laid by Twinkle Ties, as it is also his birthday hash.  This year, however, since he is up in the coldness that is Minnesota, Lil' Pussy will be stepping in to lay his long awaited Expeditionary Hash!  You can expect 3-5 miles of solid shiggy, at least one beer check, and a reminder of what a fucking shiggy trail is all about.  According to the hare, there are hospitals and vet clinics around just in case, as well as behavioral health hospital for the other half of the group. Make sure to bring a change of clothes and warm shit for circle as there is a high chance of rain!

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Wednesday, February 06, 2019



BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 236 - Womb Raider and Dresses with Wolves' Analversary!

When: Saturday, February 9th, at 2:00pm!

Where: *George Mitchell Preserve / Rob Fleming Park*
AFTER 6000 Creekside Forest Drive
The Woodlands, TX 77389.
(NOT EXACT ADDRESS).

Hare: Womb Raider and Dresses with Wolves

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy to TX-99/ Grand Parkway West. Exit at Gosling. Go right/north on Gosling for about 3 miles. Turn left at Creekside Forest. Go to the traffic circle (round-about) and take first right onto Creekside Forest Drive. George Mitchell Preserve trailhead is on the right and a large dirt parking lot next to that.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: It’s time to celebrate another year sans murder or divorce err I mean happily married bliss. This trail is thru territory about as virginal as I am. HOWEVER as familiar as the trail will be, much like Dresses with Wolves’s dick after 20+ years of marriage, it should still somehow manage to be loads of fun. Expect a little over 3 miles with water crossings. It might be a bit chilly for circle so there will be a propane heater or 2 to warm up the pack. There will be 1 manned beer check and 1 unmanned Steel Reserve check. Beer check will be some nice craft beer since we’re not complete assholes. I am also making some delicious homemade baked goods of some sort at circle.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork