BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 263 - BMH3 10 YEAR AИALVERSARY CAMPOUT!

10. Fucking. Years. Who the hell would have thought that was possible? No one. Not the people at the first one, not the gaggles of police officers we met along the way, and certainly not Papa’s Ice House – much to their chagrin. Yes, as we embark on a decade of bad decisions, interestingly “marked” trails, and literally thousands of Olde English bottles, we will do what we do best… lay a shiggytastic trail that will make you so cut up you’ll look like you just escaped from a multi-layered-shark-tooth vagina. Like there’s any other kind. We will be graced with the awesomeness of Twinkle Toes’ first trail hared following his return from a year abroad in the great white north of Minnesota! Twinkle Toes laid BMH3 Trail # 2 some 10 years ago, and knows what the fuck this kennel wants and what it actually deserves! Wear shiggy socks, long sleeves, and get ready for tick checks at the end. Trust me, I’m a Cocktor.

For our centcentennial, that’s a tenth of a centennial, we will be having a long and hard expeditionary trail on Saturday, followed by a circle that will no doubt look like a meeting of Neanderthals grunting at each other, followed by a campout! For this trail, hashcash will be $20 which will cover trail, circle beer, on-on-on beer, dinner, and a gimmie. Subject to change, because fuck you. That night, we will ALSO BE CAMPING OUT!!!!!!! That’s right, bring your tent and any other fucking thing you need to survive between Saturday night and Sunday morning because we’re not providing anything except what’s listed above. Which is subject to change, again because fuck you. It will be a very primitive campout. In Twinkle Toes’ words, “If you want the luxury of a garden hose for water, and high-end Porto's to shit in, go to TXIH! Otherwise grab a gallon of water, your shit shovel, formal attire, and head on over to big woods hunter camp.”

FRIDAY NIGHT:

You have three options on Friday night:

1. You can camp out AND BRING EVERY FUCKING THING YOU NEED BECAUSE IT’S BYO EVERY FUCKING THING YOU NEED.

2. You can go to the OFFICIAL BMH3 10TH AИALVERSARY FRIDAY NIGHT PRELUBE: Hawaiian Monkeys in the Mist, hared by Donnie the Retard!

3. You can stay the fuck home and judge everyone else from a far.

If you are 3, you can leave now. Kthxbi.

If you are camping out Friday night, try to take over the back/North section of the campsite, would be awesome if we can have that section to ourselves. It could be blocked off with a couple strategically placed cars and tents.

Now, for those of you who will be attending the OFFICIAL BMH3 10TH AИALVERSARY FRIDAY NIGHT PRELUBE: Hawaiian Monkeys in the Mist, listen up, because we have a “plan”. Subject to change because monkeys. The theme, obviously, is Hawaiian. Wear your Hawaiian shirts, dresses, leis, lays, whatever you’d like. Since we weren’t going to be tacky enough as the group of filthy bastard people that we are, we thought making us all match in Hawaiian garb would be the way to go. The plan is as follows:

7:00pm: Bar 1 – Rookies Sports Bar & Grill, 305 Sawdust Road, The Woodlands, TX 77380

8:00pm: Bar 2 – Martinis & More, 311 Sawdust Road, The Woodlands, TX 77380

9:00pm: Bar 3 – Barney's Billiard Saloon, 345 Sawdust Road, The Woodlands, TX 77380

10:00pm: Bar 4 – Molly’s Pub, 24905 I-45, The Woodlands, TX 77380

11:00pm: Bar 5 – Papa’s Ice House, 314 Pruitt Road, The Woodlands, TX 77380

The plan is to infiltrate, order one to two drinks, move the fuck on. Now, as I’m sure you notice, they are exactly one hour apart from each other. I would be fucking shocked if that shit actually happened, but we shall see. If you are late, park at/Uber to Bar 1, and just follow the trail of shame and lube up the strip center – the first three places are in the same parking lot, so we’ll be nearby.

Your hare for this illustrious Pub Crawl will be the one, the only, the original, Donnie the Retard! There will be no hash cash, and you sure as shit shouldn’t plan on driving at the end. Figure out a DD or download Uber, Lyft, or Grinder. I promise, at least one of those will get you a ride. Wear your Hawaiian shit and figure out your life before you get to the end. Oh, and don’t lose your fucking keys.

So, in summary, either prelube Friday night in The Woodlands, camp out Friday night at the campsite, or stay home because you suck. Look at that, you have options! Also, the campsite is public and open for anyone (like your mom), just a no-fee-offesason-hunter-camp in the woods. That means there may be others there, but the place is pretty big, and we’ve never had an issue in the years we’ve been here. The land is huge, and we will be in one quadrant of it. Look for assholes.

Saturday is trail. HashCash will be $20 and that covers beer for circle and thereafter until it runs out, dinner, and a gimmie. TRAIL WILL BE HEADING OUT AT 2:00PM. READ THAT AGAIN. TRAIL WILL BE HEADING OUT AT 2:00PM. That means you need to get to the campsite, set your shit up before trail/dark/drunkness, then be ready to leave the fucking campground to go hash at 2:00pm. Right after trail will be circle, and there won’t be time to set up your tent and shit. Now, on this trail there will be multiple beer checks with bail points, then an ending. Don’t get lost, wear bright clothes. Saturday night, it’s time to dress formal. Now, please note, THERE WILL BE DIRT EVERYWHERE, so something formal that can also get dirty, like most of our harriettes… and harriers, let’s be real. There will be some music… we think. And possibly an impromptu talent show… maybe. Again, we will have some beer, like some kegs (or excessive amounts of Eureka Heights) or something, but maybe also bring a little something something else for yourself for when the shit runs out, and to help you maintain that whiskey dick to keep you out of another child support payment.

That’s it. Bam. That’s everything! So cum one, cum all, cum celebrate 10 YEARS OF MONKEY MAYHEM!

What could go wrong?

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork