5th AИAL (and FINAL!) Brass Monkey IronHash: This is the End(s) AND
BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 189!!
***Three Trails, Three Circles, One Horrible Hangover***
When: Saturday, April 22nd,
at 7:00am!
Where: Byrd Automotive
2445 High Timbers Drive
Spring, TX 77380.
***PLEASE CARPOOL, ONLY 30 PARKING SPOTS
AVAILABLE!***
***There are two parking lots at Byrd Automotive.
The first one is just past the mail box. DO NOT park in that lot. You will know
if you are in the wrong lot if you can see the front door and windows or
anything that says "customer parking". We can't park there because
they have customers who drop cars off on the weekend to be worked on, on Monday
morning.
You may park in the second lot! It's just a few
feet past the aforementioned first entrance. That parking lot goes back real
far and there's plenty of room for everyone as long as we don't park like
dumb-dumbs with Hummers.***
Hare(s): Dick Assley & Twinkle Toes. We think
that’s it. If there is a trail missing, it’s KatchUp’s fault, though.
Why: Because you like drinking, period.
Cost: $5 PER hash & $5 for an Official IronHash patch and a
FINISHER patch if you *actually* finish, so $20 for three hashes, three circles
of down/down beer, snacky cakes, and patches!
Bring: Hash Cash Shag bag (change of clothes). Inflatable
flotation device, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, Stickers $1, Patches $3
& $4, Socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course!
***BRING YOUR OWN DAMN LUNCH, WE'LL HAVE A
COOLER!!!***
* * * * BRING AN INFLATABLE FLOTATION DEVICE!!
Space is limited, make sure it fits in your hash bag.*****
SCHEDULE
7:00am: Arrive, bitches!
7:30am: Start cheering on the swimmers because they
are in far better shape than any of us will ever be.
8:00am: Hares Away for Trail #1, get ready…
8:30am: Ready, Set, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ON TRAIL #1.
LET THE IRONHASH MADNESS BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:00am: Finish Trail #1 & Circle.
11:00am: Hares Away for Trail #2 while the rest of
you fucks are getting drunk.
11:30am: Up, up, and away, bitches - Trail #2 is
afoot!
1:00pm: Finish Trail #2 & start eating your lunch
while we wait for everyone to bring their lazy asses in.
***INTERMISSION AND REST TIME FOR THE SAD, WEAK
SOULS. OH YEAH, AND BRING YOUR OWN DAMN LUNCH!!!!!***
3:00pm: Hares Away for Trail #3 while everyone else
cries, eats, and drinks.
3:30pm: Anddddddddddddddddddd GO SPEEDRACER, GO GET
‘DEM HARES!!!
5:00pm: Finish Trail #3, Circle, and apply cream
and oil to old people joints. And also enjoy joints. You should bring joints.
They help.
6:00pm: cheer on the ironmen as they run the
marathon and receive your finisher patch!
7:00pm: YOU HAVE COMPLETED THE FIFTH AИAL BRASS
MONKEY IRONHASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
D'erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road
until it dead ends into I-45, then take Exit 76B for Woodlands Parkway.
***THERE IS GOING TO BE TRAFFIC FOR THIS, SO PLAN THE FUCK AHEAD!*** Continue
on Woodlands Parkway until you hit Grogans Mill Road, then turn right. Turn
left almost right away onto High Timbers Drive in the EAST SHORE area. We are
not 100% sure what they will be blocking/diverting, so just use the address if
it comes to it. Seriously though, plan ahead for traffic.
Sidenote: Ladies & Gents, it’s back, and after this
year, this bitch is dead and gone! This 12 hour, three trail, three circle,
several tears kind of day. Plan on hydrating your face off on Friday, because
you will need it for Saturday. There will be live laid trails, there will be
“games”, there will be shiggy and urban running, there might be MD 20/20, or
something even worse. This day is great for those of you who like punishment,
or if you feel like you have something to prove, like that you are a moron for
doing this.
Remember how year one we had slut juice and people
lost hours in the day? So year two, Twinkle said we couldn’t do it and instead
we just lost people? Then year three we brought it back - as well as brought
some floods and terrible water crossings, so the awesome was-gonna-be-an-a-to-a
turned into a this-is-the-worst-thing-ever-KatchUp-I-hate-you-so-much
trail? For year four, we let the bimbos run this thing and the most we lost was
a gay and a Mexican on the second water trail, then it started pouring as we left
for the third and a bunch of us got stuck under a bridge with London Fag? Noone
wants to get stuck under a bridge with London Fag. So now year five is here,
and apparently Dick & Twinkle want another go at showing us how terrible
life can be, and proving that they are the bestest IronHash hares
EVAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! There were five spots on the finisher patch for five
years, and now we’ve done it, so cum one, cum all, to this bitch’s final go!
So, to highlight the most important shit: (TL;DR):
∙Bring your own lunch!
∙Bring like three changes of clothes and a towel!
∙We are leaving at 8:30am SHARP, do not be late.
Like seriously, if you have ever been on time for anything in your life, be on
time for this. Plan on traffic for the IronMan, and give yourself time! Do not
be that person who calls like "Oh, so sorry, can you wait for us? Traffic
is sooooo bad." No! Bad!
∙HYDRATE! Drink water before, this will seriously
drain you - it's gonna be fucking hot!
∙Figure out lodging. Plan on staying with other
hashers, or at a hotel, or a brothel, or make other arrangements. Other
arrangements does not mean assume you can stay with Spork and Twinkle. :P
∙Total cost for three trails, three circle, two
patches, and transportation all around is $20. If you can't do all the trails,
you suck. That's all.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY: The reason for this is event
is to cheer on the actual IronMan attendees, people that actually bust their
ass and do all this crazy shit. So yes, get drunk, be merry, have fun, but also
don’t be a crazy asshole at the end of the day getting in trouble for chasing
IronPeople down the street. Yes, I know, you are just excited for them and are
trying to cheer, but you can cheer from the sidewalk holding your Zima and
rubbing liniment oil on your joints.
ANY UPDATES CAN BE FOUND ON THE BRASS MONKEY
FACEBOOK PAGE OR THE H4 CALENDAR AT WWW.H4.ORG!
Well there you heard it people, make it happen!
Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light’s #: (832) 484-9975
Twinkle Toes' #: (661) 342-1679
Dick Assley’s #: (214) 502-6501
0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor
Spork
