BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 269 - Ivanna 69 Your Bones

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 269 - Ivanna 69 Your Bones

When: Saturday, May 16th:
• Do Your Own Trail: 11:00am - 1:69pm
• "OfFiCiAl" Trail: 2:00pm

Where: HEB Parking Lot Near Burger King
https://goo.gl/maps/2woYko5759oq6aai6
3601 Farm to Market Road 1488
The Woodlands, TX 77382

Hares: Ivanna Hairy Buttchug & Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: Your fucking self and everything you need to survive a trail on your own.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 N or Hardy Toll Road until it deadends into I-45 to TX-242 W/College Park Drive. Exit there, and turn left at the light for TX-242 W/College Park Drive. Go until it deadends, all of it, the whole way. It will deadend into FM-1488, turn left. After you turn, look for a Burger King next to an HEB, and park at the row facing the street between them. Bam.

Sidenote:
FROM SPORK: I have spoken to these *hares and they have claimed the following: it will be a 4-ish mile trail with a manned beercheck, there are multiple *shallow water crossings, dog friendly, and cannot be run until Saturday after 11am! That’s right, due to Texas and its chance of storms – nay, probability of storms – before or during a monkey event, the hares will not be able to lay trail until Saturday morning. Which brings me to… TRAIL.

Things are a changin’ here in the Lone Star state. Apparently, people have gotten bored with the ‘rona, so it’s back to usual. Because Texas. That being said, we are going to do this in a compromise kind of way, a more use-real-lube-not-spit kinda way. Some people are ready to hash with hashers and some are not, so we’re going to let both do what they want to do. If you would like to do trail alone, start between 11:00am and 1:69pm. Bam. On your own, living your best life. If you want to run the trail en masse, “OfFiCiAl” trail time will be at 2:00pm. If you want to do trail with hashers, show up around that time. A later afternoon one (after 2pm) is not recommended as the chance of rain goes into the afternoon and evening so there is a high probability of trail being gone. Also *.

We will still do virtual circle at 7:00pm, with the link to be posted sometime 30 minutes – 1 hour before on the Brass Monkey FB event. That’s all we’ve got. Make good decisions out there.

*hares are assholes

NOW, READ THIS (UPDATED 05/13/2020):

• The hares will lay the trail on SATURDAY MORNING, so don't do it until after 11:00am. And don't run, you racist piece of shit.

• Trail will be A-to-A.

• There will be no in-person check-in, no hash cash, and no one accountable for you except you.

• If you would like to do the trail on your own, go between 11:00am - 2:00pm.

• If you would like to do the trail with other hashers in a somewhat "organized" way, show up at 2:00pm.

• If you are doing trail, we request you check in on the event page and say, “Hey, I’m doing this shit, hopefully I won’t die, my cell phone number is…” We’re putting some trust in you on this one, which I’m sure we’ll regret, but we are going to give it a shot nonetheless.

• The hares have been instructed that trail “Will need to be simple enough people can do it on their own, but it isn't going to have killer water crossings that someone will face alone, but there must still be shiggy!” Given who the hares are, we’ll hope they don’t fuck that one up.

• Circle will be virtual on Saturday night at 7pm. We will post the link to it on the trail info. In order to attend circle, you need to have a drink in hand and not wearing pants. Okay, that last part is optional, but really, why not?

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 268 - Homoglobin's "Trail of the Year" Solo Trail!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 268 - Homoglobin's "Trail of the Year" Solo Trail!

When: Saturday, May 2nd, at Any Fucking Time You Please!

Where: Burrough's Park

*ALL THE WAY BACK, NEAR PAVILION*

9738 Hufsmith Road

Tomball, TX 77375

Hares: Homoglobin

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: Your fucking self and everything you need to survive a trail on your own.

D’erections:

FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 N or Hardy Toll Road to TX-99 (Grand Parkway), then go West.  That means left.  Take to Kuykendahl Road and turn right, that means North-ish.  Go for 4 miles or so, then turn left onto Huffsmith Road.  Go for a mile and a half, then as the road curves left the park will be on your right.  Go allllllllllllllllllllllllllll the way back.  Park in the last lot where the Pavilion is.  DON'T PARK OVERNIGHT.  #WombRaider #NeverForget

Sidenote:

FROM THE HARE: This was supposed to be the trail of the year, but not this year!  You can expect a 3-4 mile trail, all species friendly, with a beer check!  Wear bug spray and shiggy socks. 

FROM SPORK: We will be holding a VIRTUAL CIRCLE AT 7:00PM Central. The link will be posted shortly before it starts on this event page. It is best to do it from a laptop because if you try to use a tablet or a phone, you will have to download the app, and you won't be able to really see everyone attending very well. McPisser was awesome enough to create the event for us using his RichMan account so we won't be kicked off after 40 minutes like we would if we used my Homeless account. Thanks, McP!  Now, if you are planning on actually doing trail, please read through the shit below because there is some important ass info.  Not ass info.  I mean, all ass info is important, so this is just important info that has nothing to do with ass. Unfortunately. God I miss people.  Anywho... we look forward to trying this shit out, and hope you enjoy trail by yourself or with your family!

NOW, READ THIS:

Montgomery County (aka Monkeyland) has decreed: “All public and private gatherings OF MORE THAN FOUR PEOPLE occurring outside a single household or living unit are prohibited.” This means we are going to have to do trail a different way, à la other hashes you have seen. The way we are going to do it is as follows:

• The hares will lay the trail on Friday, and knowing them, it won’t be done until darkness so don’t try to do it Friday.

• Trail will be A-to-A and will not start from somewhere that is currently forbidden to park at.

• There will be no in-person check-in, no hash cash, and no one accountable for you except you.

• You will have the opportunity to do trail at any point on Saturday. You do you. That being said, make sure you just do you, and if you run into other hashers, try not to interact/mingle/bang there on trail. The last thing we need is some park ranger with a funny hat finding out who we are, what we are doing, and getting all excited that he finally gets to fill out his “GOT ‘EM!’ report. Stay separate, do your own thing.

• If you are doing trail, we request you check in on the event page and say, “Hey, I’m doing this shit, hopefully I won’t die, my cell phone number is…” We’re putting some trust in you on this one, which I’m sure we’ll regret, but we are going to give it a shot nonetheless.

• The hares have been instructed that trail “Will need to be simple enough people can do it on their own, but it isn't going to have killer water crossings that someone will face alone, but there must still be shiggy!” Given who the hares are, we’ll hope they don’t fuck that one up.

• Circle will be virtual on Saturday night at 7pm. We will post the link to it on the trail info. In order to attend circle, you need to have a drink in hand and not wearing pants. Okay, that last part is optional, but really, why not?

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133

KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 267 - Womb Raider's Non-TXIH Solo Trail!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 267 - Womb Raider's Non-TXIH Solo Trail!

When: Saturday, April 18th, at Any Fucking Time You Please!

Where: The Meadows at Imperial Oaks Recreation Center
Kendal Ridge Ln, Conroe, TX 77385

Hares: Womb Raider

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: Your fucking self and everything you need to survive a trail on your own.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 N to exit 73 Rayford Rd and turn right (east) on Rayford. Turn left (north) onto Aldine Westfield Rd. Take this until right before it dead ends and turn right (east) onto Kendal Ridge Ln. Go about a quarter mile until you get to the parking lot beside the Rec center in front of the playground.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARE: Trail will be between 3-4 miles long and marked in either toilet paper or purple crepe paper and flour. Expect Shiggy, fence line/ greenway running and a touch of pavement. There will be a solo song check. I encourage you to video said song check and post to fb so we can all hear your lovely voice. Otherwise you’ll just look like a crazy singing to yourself in the woods. There are some barbed wire fences (if you have to cross barbed wire it will be well marked and on the ground) and less than vagina deep water crossings. Trail is in virgin territory in the new hood with an anti-socially manned beer check in our backyard! Depending on the time of day and my mood you will either be warmly greeted, completely ignored or yelled at to “GET OFF MY LAWN!?!” by me, Dresses with Wolves and/ or possibly Mouth Organ from a safe distance. For bravely chancing socially distant abuse and heckling you will be rewarded with good beer from a sanitized cooler, water and extra bug spray. As you near my house at about mile 2 there is a neighborhood dog that roams free at times. He thinks our Shiggy is his. I don’t know this dog yet but he just barked at me a little and ran back toward his house today. He barks thru the fence at my dogs. I do not think he is aggressive but please be aware especially if you are planning on bringing pups. Don’t forget bug spray and look out for snakes!

FROM SPORK: We will be holding a VIRTUAL CIRCLE AT 7:00PM Central. The link will be posted shortly before it starts on this event page. It is best to do it from a laptop because if you try to use a tablet or a phone, you will have to download the app, and you won't be able to really see everyone attending very well. McPisser was awesome enough to create the event for us using his RichMan account so we won't be kicked off after 40 minutes like we would if we used my Homeless account. Thanks, McP! Now, if you are planning on actually doing trail, please read through the shit below because there is some important ass info. Not ass info. I mean, all ass info is important, so this is just important info that has nothing to do with ass. Unfortunately. God I miss people. Anywho... we look forward to trying this shit out, and hope you enjoy trail by yourself or with your family!

NOW, READ THIS:

Montgomery County (aka Monkeyland) has decreed: “All public and private gathering of any number of people occurring outside a single household or living unit are prohibited.” This means we are going to have to do trail a different way, à la other hashes you have seen. The way we are going to do it is as follows:

• The hares will lay the trail on Friday, and knowing them, it won’t be done until darkness so don’t try to do it Friday.

• Trail will be A-to-A and will not start from somewhere that is currently forbidden to park at.

• There will be no in-person check-in, no hash cash, and no booze waiting for you. As much as we’d like to chance having a stashed beer check with beer waiting halfway, for a myriad of reasons that is not feasible, so BYOfuckingeverything. If you want beer, bring beer. Bam.

• You will have the opportunity to do trail at any point on Saturday. You do you. That being said, make sure you just do you, and if you run into other hashers, try not to interact/mingle/bang there on trail. The last thing we need is some park ranger with a funny hat finding out who we are, what we are doing, and getting all excited that he finally gets to fill out his “GOT ‘EM!’ report. Stay separate, do your own thing.

• If you are doing trail, we request you check in on the event page and say, “Hey, I’m doing this shit, hopefully I won’t die, my cell phone number is…” We’re putting some trust in you on this one, which I’m sure we’ll regret, but we are going to give it a shot nonetheless.

• The hares have been instructed that trail “Will need to be simple enough people can do it on their own, but it isn't going to have killer water crossings that someone will face alone, but there must still be shiggy!” Given who the hares are, we’ll hope they don’t fuck that one up.

• Circle will be virtual on Saturday night at 7pm. We will post the link to it on the trail info. In order to attend circle, you need to have a drink in hand and not wearing pants. Okay, that last part is optional, but really, why not?

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 266 - Katch'a'Croc'o'Aryan's Solo Trail!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 266 - Katch'a'Croc'o'Aryan's Solo Trail!

 When: Saturday, April 4th, at Any Fucking Time You Please!

Where: Under A Creepy Bridge

Riley Fuzzel Road

Spring, TX 77386

Google Maps: 4JMX+JR Porter, Texas

(30.134616, -95.350272)

Hares: KatchUp, Croc of Shit, and Aryan Sisterhood

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: Your fucking self and everything you need to survive a trail on your own.

D’erections:

FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 or the Hardy Toll Road to TX-99 (Grand Parkway) and go East, that means Right. Take the exit toward Townsen Blvd. Merge onto Riley Fuzzel Road next to the freeway and just keep going until it deadends and forces you under the bridge back the other way.  There is a dirt "parking lot" under the bridge, park there!  There will not be any assholes to look for, but there may be some other cars there!

Sidenote:

Well, here it is.  Our first "Do Your Own Trail Adventure", staring you, as the dumb ass who showed up for this thing!  As you can read more in detail about below, trail MUST BE DONE ON YOUR OWN DUE TO MONTGOMERY COUNTY ORDERS!  Trail is being laid Friday, and will be ready Saturday.  The hares will be laying in FLAGGING and FLOUR, so look for both.  Maybe if they are awesome enough, they will post some pictures on here of some of the things you should look for.  Keep in mind, one of the hares, who  will remain "namenlos" as we say in German, tried to bail out of this bitch saying we weren't worth it.  How dare him.  But between my Jewish guilt, KatchUps strongly worded messages, and Croc of Shit's "present" voting -- adding literally nothing to the discourse -- he finally came around.  Like I said, I won't tell you who it was, but just know it was a thing. 

We will be holding a VIRTUAL CIRCLE AT 7:00PM Central. The link will be posted shortly before it starts on this event page. It is best to do it from a laptop because if you try to use a tablet or a phone, you will have to download the app, and you won't be able to really see everyone attending very well. McPisser was awesome enough to create the event for us using his RichMan account so we won't be kicked off after 40 minutes like we would if we used my Homeless account. Thanks, McP!  Now, if you are planning on actually doing trail, please read through the shit below because there is some important ass info.  Not ass info.  I mean, all ass info is important, so this is just important info that has nothing to do with ass. Unfortunately. God I miss people.  Anywho... we look forward to trying this shit out, and hope you enjoy trail by yourself or with your family!

P.S. I hope your kids enjoy b00b checks. 

NOW, READ THIS:

Montgomery County (aka Monkeyland) has decreed: “All public and private gathering of any number of people occurring outside a single household or living unit are prohibited.” This means we are going to have to do trail a different way, à la other hashes you have seen. The way we are going to do it is as follows:

• The hares will lay the trail on Friday, and knowing them, it won’t be done until darkness so don’t try to do it Friday.

• Trail will be A-to-A and will not start from somewhere that is currently forbidden to park at.

• There will be no in-person check-in, no hash cash, and no booze waiting for you. As much as we’d like to chance having a stashed beer check with beer waiting halfway, for a myriad of reasons that is not feasible, so BYOfuckingeverything. If you want beer, bring beer. Bam.

• You will have the opportunity to do trail at any point on Saturday. You do you. That being said, make sure you just do you, and if you run into other hashers, try not to interact/mingle/bang there on trail. The last thing we need is some park ranger with a funny hat finding out who we are, what we are doing, and getting all excited that he finally gets to fill out his “GOT ‘EM!’ report. Stay separate, do your own thing.

• If you are doing trail, we request you check in on the event page and say, “Hey, I’m doing this shit, hopefully I won’t die, my cell phone number is…” We’re putting some trust in you on this one, which I’m sure we’ll regret, but we are going to give it a shot nonetheless.

• The hares have been instructed that trail “Will need to be simple enough people can do it on their own, but it isn't going to have killer water crossings that someone will face alone, but there must still be shiggy!” Given who the hares are, we’ll hope they don’t fuck that one up.

• Circle will be virtual on Saturday night at 7pm. We will post the link to it on the trail info. In order to attend circle, you need to have a drink in hand and not wearing pants. Okay, that last part is optional, but really, why not?

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133

KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 265 - Spork & Cum-Puss' Analversary Trail!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 265 - Spork & Cum-Puss' Analversary Trail!

When: Saturday, March 21st, at 3:00pm! *NOTE DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME CHANGE*

Where: High Oaks Park

13100 Sawmill Road

The Woodlands, TX 77380

Hares: Cocktor Spork & Cum-Puss

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash (ELECTRONICALLY!) , shag bag, warm clothes, bug spray, PI repellent (if applicable), $$(ELECTRONICALLY!) for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:

From Houston: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road to I-45 and exit 73, Rayford Road / Sawdust Road. Turn left at the light onto Sawdust Road. Go like 4-5 lights to Sawmill Road, then turn left.  Go to the dead-end, loop around, and park next to the park on the street.

Sidenote (FROM THE HARE): In 2006, at a Goodwill store in Southern California, Cocktor Spork & Cum-Puss met, and knew they needed to start pounding.  And now, 14 years later, they are celebrating the fact that they still do, and don't yet hate each other!  Cum out and celebrate with a short, 2-4 mile-ish trail; trying to keep it on the lower end, but once I get into the shiggy who knows what can happen.  One beer check, all shiggy, space yourselves out accordingly.  Circle is going to be spread out, snacks will be individual, and we're only going to take ePayments.  Things are going to be different, but we're still going to be offensive - possibly even more so since we've all been pent up inside. 

Side Sidenote: Because of life and current events, please read through this shit and make sure you understand.  Do not come if you know you should not.  Seriously.

BEFORE THE HASH:

● If you have recently been traveling, if you’ve been in/around/near someone who may be contaminated, if you work in an industry where catching something could really fuck your world up, or if you – for any reason in your adult brain – think it might not be a good idea for you to cum, don’t. Please. Just don’t. Don’t ruin this for everyone.

● Stay as healthy as possible. I know it sounds stupid, but seriously: wash your hands, bathe regularly, don’t be gross. Ew.

AT THE HASH:

● We aren’t going to take paper money, or cash as the kids call it. You will only be able to pay electronically via PayPal, Zelle, or some other eShit like that. If you don’t have an account, cool, pay someone at the start who is okay with doing it for you. Less touching of things that others have touched the better. *Insert monkey laundering joke here*

● Snacks will only be what is available in the small individual bags, vending machine style. At this point, there could be nothing but off-brand Doritos left, we’ll see, but we will not be using the larger shareable snacky cake bags.

● We will not be sharing Monkeys. Fucking duh. We will have Monkeys, and we will have individual mini-OJs; (1) Monkey + (1) Mini-OJ = (1) Person’s Monkey. Since we don’t know how many of you will be there, depending on numbers not everyone may be able to get one. Sucks, I know. If you are worried about it, pull a Vagineer and bring your own.

● Social distancing. It’s a thing. Circle will be spread out to give everyone their own space. We are not a large enough kennel to have multiple trails or circles, so we will work with what we’ve got, but be as safe as possible while doing it.

● Since the antibodies to the Coronavirus are probably in the FRB helmet, and we wouldn’t want to deprive anyone of the chance to earn some health points, we’ll just fill it with a beer of the FRB’s choosing and they can take it to the dome. Otherwise, they can shotgun a beer. They are getting punished one way or the other.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133

KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 264 - Womb Raider's Birfday Trail!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 264 - Womb Raider's Birfday Trail!

When: Saturday, March 7th, at 2:00pm!

Where: **George Mitchell Preserve / Rob Fleming Park**

AFTER 6000 Creekside Forest Drive

The Woodlands, TX 77389.

(NOT EXACT ADDRESS).

Hares: Womb Raider

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag, warm clothes, bug spray, PI repellent (if applicable), $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:

From Houston: Take I-45 North to Woodlands Parkway going west for about 4 miles. Turn left at Gosling. Turn right at Creekside Forest. Go to the traffic circle (round-about) and take first right onto Creekside Forest Drive. George Mitchell Preserve trailhead is on the right and a large dirt parking lot next to that.

Sidenote (FROM THE HARE): It’s time to cum celebrate another year of my existence with a trail! Expect a pleasant jaunt through familiar territory punctuated with possible water crossings and at least one good beer check. Probably no shot checks because I’m old “now” and that shit gets dangerous. But hares lie so who knows. Trail will be at least 3 but less than 5 miles and should be pup friendly for our experienced hash hounds.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133

KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 263 - BMH3 10 YEAR AИALVERSARY CAMPOUT!

10. Fucking. Years. Who the hell would have thought that was possible? No one. Not the people at the first one, not the gaggles of police officers we met along the way, and certainly not Papa’s Ice House – much to their chagrin. Yes, as we embark on a decade of bad decisions, interestingly “marked” trails, and literally thousands of Olde English bottles, we will do what we do best… lay a shiggytastic trail that will make you so cut up you’ll look like you just escaped from a multi-layered-shark-tooth vagina. Like there’s any other kind. We will be graced with the awesomeness of Twinkle Toes’ first trail hared following his return from a year abroad in the great white north of Minnesota! Twinkle Toes laid BMH3 Trail # 2 some 10 years ago, and knows what the fuck this kennel wants and what it actually deserves! Wear shiggy socks, long sleeves, and get ready for tick checks at the end. Trust me, I’m a Cocktor.

For our centcentennial, that’s a tenth of a centennial, we will be having a long and hard expeditionary trail on Saturday, followed by a circle that will no doubt look like a meeting of Neanderthals grunting at each other, followed by a campout! For this trail, hashcash will be $20 which will cover trail, circle beer, on-on-on beer, dinner, and a gimmie. Subject to change, because fuck you. That night, we will ALSO BE CAMPING OUT!!!!!!! That’s right, bring your tent and any other fucking thing you need to survive between Saturday night and Sunday morning because we’re not providing anything except what’s listed above. Which is subject to change, again because fuck you. It will be a very primitive campout. In Twinkle Toes’ words, “If you want the luxury of a garden hose for water, and high-end Porto's to shit in, go to TXIH! Otherwise grab a gallon of water, your shit shovel, formal attire, and head on over to big woods hunter camp.”

FRIDAY NIGHT:

You have three options on Friday night:

1. You can camp out AND BRING EVERY FUCKING THING YOU NEED BECAUSE IT’S BYO EVERY FUCKING THING YOU NEED.

2. You can go to the OFFICIAL BMH3 10TH AИALVERSARY FRIDAY NIGHT PRELUBE: Hawaiian Monkeys in the Mist, hared by Donnie the Retard!

3. You can stay the fuck home and judge everyone else from a far.

If you are 3, you can leave now. Kthxbi.

If you are camping out Friday night, try to take over the back/North section of the campsite, would be awesome if we can have that section to ourselves. It could be blocked off with a couple strategically placed cars and tents.

Now, for those of you who will be attending the OFFICIAL BMH3 10TH AИALVERSARY FRIDAY NIGHT PRELUBE: Hawaiian Monkeys in the Mist, listen up, because we have a “plan”. Subject to change because monkeys. The theme, obviously, is Hawaiian. Wear your Hawaiian shirts, dresses, leis, lays, whatever you’d like. Since we weren’t going to be tacky enough as the group of filthy bastard people that we are, we thought making us all match in Hawaiian garb would be the way to go. The plan is as follows:

7:00pm: Bar 1 – Rookies Sports Bar & Grill, 305 Sawdust Road, The Woodlands, TX 77380

8:00pm: Bar 2 – Martinis & More, 311 Sawdust Road, The Woodlands, TX 77380

9:00pm: Bar 3 – Barney's Billiard Saloon, 345 Sawdust Road, The Woodlands, TX 77380

10:00pm: Bar 4 – Molly’s Pub, 24905 I-45, The Woodlands, TX 77380

11:00pm: Bar 5 – Papa’s Ice House, 314 Pruitt Road, The Woodlands, TX 77380

The plan is to infiltrate, order one to two drinks, move the fuck on. Now, as I’m sure you notice, they are exactly one hour apart from each other. I would be fucking shocked if that shit actually happened, but we shall see. If you are late, park at/Uber to Bar 1, and just follow the trail of shame and lube up the strip center – the first three places are in the same parking lot, so we’ll be nearby.

Your hare for this illustrious Pub Crawl will be the one, the only, the original, Donnie the Retard! There will be no hash cash, and you sure as shit shouldn’t plan on driving at the end. Figure out a DD or download Uber, Lyft, or Grinder. I promise, at least one of those will get you a ride. Wear your Hawaiian shit and figure out your life before you get to the end. Oh, and don’t lose your fucking keys.

So, in summary, either prelube Friday night in The Woodlands, camp out Friday night at the campsite, or stay home because you suck. Look at that, you have options! Also, the campsite is public and open for anyone (like your mom), just a no-fee-offesason-hunter-camp in the woods. That means there may be others there, but the place is pretty big, and we’ve never had an issue in the years we’ve been here. The land is huge, and we will be in one quadrant of it. Look for assholes.

Saturday is trail. HashCash will be $20 and that covers beer for circle and thereafter until it runs out, dinner, and a gimmie. TRAIL WILL BE HEADING OUT AT 2:00PM. READ THAT AGAIN. TRAIL WILL BE HEADING OUT AT 2:00PM. That means you need to get to the campsite, set your shit up before trail/dark/drunkness, then be ready to leave the fucking campground to go hash at 2:00pm. Right after trail will be circle, and there won’t be time to set up your tent and shit. Now, on this trail there will be multiple beer checks with bail points, then an ending. Don’t get lost, wear bright clothes. Saturday night, it’s time to dress formal. Now, please note, THERE WILL BE DIRT EVERYWHERE, so something formal that can also get dirty, like most of our harriettes… and harriers, let’s be real. There will be some music… we think. And possibly an impromptu talent show… maybe. Again, we will have some beer, like some kegs (or excessive amounts of Eureka Heights) or something, but maybe also bring a little something something else for yourself for when the shit runs out, and to help you maintain that whiskey dick to keep you out of another child support payment.

That’s it. Bam. That’s everything! So cum one, cum all, cum celebrate 10 YEARS OF MONKEY MAYHEM!

What could go wrong?

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 262 - It's All Downhill Up in Conroe

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 262 - It's All Downhill Up in Conroe

When: Saturday, February 8th, at 2:00pm!

Where: VIP Parking Area

Next Level Urgent Care Conroe

1246 North FM 3083 Road West

Conroe, TX 77304

Hares: Sorting Rack & Homoglobin

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag, warm clothes, bug spray, PI repellent (if applicable), $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:

FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 or the Hardy Toll Road until it deadends into I-45. Take exit 89 toward FM 3083/Teas Nursery Road. Use the left 2 lanes to turn left onto North FM 3083 Road West/Teas Road/Teas Nursery Road.  Go for about a half mile, and look for the start in a parking lot on the right just past Teas Nursery Road. Go to "VIP" Parking area.  Look for assholes.

Sidenote:

Ladies and Gents, come and join us for Sorting Rack's "Not So Dirty Thirty", as she turns 29 and still has no idea what real life is like.  They're so naïve and cute at that age.  But fear not, Homoglobin and all his wisdom will be co-haring with her, berating her the entire time about how her generation is ruining the world, laying plastic straws instead of flour from behind just to spite her.  Per the hares, trail is about 3-4 miles, expect shiggy, water crossings, and apparently "tight holes".  This better not be false advertising again, like that time with the boy scouts and the "half off" sale.  As usual, pack a change of clothes, and if you are bringing virgins, for the love of G tell them to cover their legs.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133

KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 261 - Croc of Aryan Maybe Gets Us Killed

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 261 - Croc of Aryan Maybe Gets Us Killed

When: Saturday, January 25th, at 2:00pm!

Where: *Under a Creepy Bridge*

Riley Fuzzel Road

Spring, TX 77386

Google Maps: 4JMX+JR Porter, Texas

(30.134616, -95.350272)

Hares: Aryan Sisterhood and Croc of Shit

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag, warm clothes, bug spray, PI repellent (if applicable), $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:

FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 or the Hardy Toll Road to to 99 East, exit Townsen Blvd, and stay on the feeder until you reach a U-turn underpass. Park next to assholes. Becomes Early Light Court. Look for assholes.

Sidenote:

FROM THE HARE:

Gather Round Shiggy Lovers it’s time for another croc of aryan’s specialty: fresh, homegrown, msg free shiggy. There will be less mosquitos (gotta leave room for the west side), there will be no hunters, there will be lots of holesum fun. Join us for a great trail with at least one beer check and circle beers provided by Eureka Heights Brewery.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133

KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 260 - KatchUp's Birfday Trail!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 260 - KatchUp's Birfday Trail!

When: Saturday, January 11th, at 2:00pm!

Where: *Look for deadend*

Pathfinders Pass

Spring, TX 77373

(30.0620592, -95.3679998)

Hares: KatchUp

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag, warm clothes, bug spray, PI repellent (if applicable), $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:

FROM HOUSTON: Take Hardy Toll Road to Aldine Westfield Road or take I-45 to Cypresswood (exit 68) from I-45 N.  Take Cypresswood east to James C Leo Drive, then turn right.  Turn left right away onto Breckenridge Dale Lane, then Breckenridge Dale Lane turns right and becomes Early Light Court.  Look for assholes.

Sidenote:

FROM THE HARE: (Circus Noises)

Step right up, step right up. Listen to my tale of wonder about a trail hopefully not ruined by rain and thunder. It is I KatchUp your hare to be, laying a 4-5 mile trail of shiggy, you'll see. You maybe curious if water crossings will be present, if not, the plethera of Boob and Dick checks will be most pleasant. Your four-legged friends are welcome to cum, the pools of water will be oh so much fun. Ill leave you with this, this one little fact, there will be two beer checks not accompanied by Pabst.

*KatchUp is then shot out of a cannon*

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133

KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork