Friday, September 22, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 200 - Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect 200!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 200 - Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect 200 R*ns!

Where: Big Woods Hunter Camps, Sam Houston National Forest
30.615562, -95.293890

You poo flinging lot have finally done it! Frankly, we’re just as shocked as you are! We are days away from the Brass Monkey 200th Run!!!!

Let’s take a brief moment to reflect on the past 199 runs:

A handful of hospital visits
Only one of us got arrested
Four unexpected babies
A few breathalyzers
Spork’s couch
Not a single trail skipped
Twinkle yelled Scatter!!!!
Hurricane Just4Men
The rat in the dryer
4 automobile “incidents” on trial (Katchup's car, puddy twats prius, rednecks window, and Fernicator’s Van)
Cock moldings were made
Countless hangovers

Now let’s talk about the party!!!!

Let’s be honest, It’s been nuttier than squirrel shit lately but we’re not going to let that get in the way of this special day. We had grand plans of all these things we were going to do, but yeah, hurricanes, gays, Jews, kids, Puerto Ricans, they all got in the way. So what are we going to do? We’re gonna get fucking hammered and have a good time!

We’re going to be spending a night camping in hunters’ camps outside of Coldspring (the place Twinkle Toes did his expeditionary trail). Much like that weekend, it will be mostly BYOE. Your hash cash will go to circle beer and snacky cakes, but that’s it. Bring a cooler with shit. Bring a camp stove. Bring a tent. Bring all the things you would need to live in a hollowed out vagina for several day. If you don’t bring it with you, it won’t be there.

We do have some themes and one of Spork’s famous schedules to share with you.

First the event will be MONOPOLY MONKEY (for the not so creative...we’re passing go and collecting our 200th run). We will have some fun games and prizes as part of trail, we will have snacky cakes and BC/BN Beer.

Here’s a rough schedule:


8:00PM until ???? Smutty Entrepornuers’ Magazine Evening Networker (S.E.M.E.N.)

Cum join us as we learn about the business of selling porno mags to minors and how to party so hard you get lost before dinner--and still have the bad idea of having your birthday party with us! We will be doing a pub crawl downtown and even have a party bus for those of you to reserve a spot in time to celebrate Entrepornuer's BARFDAY! Attire Goal: Someone complains to HR dress professionally slutty.


Please get with Kathryn Kramer for further details, but for the impatient...Cost will be $35 paid to Land of Milf and Honey who will be reserving the bus. The bus will take us to the bars, and safely to crash space. The bus will have booze in it, “props” and even a jail cell (kinky, right???). Those of you not on the bus can still be on the pub crawl, but will have to walk with the rest of the peasants.


8:00AM Wake up take advil and drink a glass of water or a sip from the beer bottle with the left handed cig floating in it.

8:06AM Think about having rubbing one out but fall asleep before you make any progress

1:30PM The Five Martini Lunch / Bloody Marython / Cinnamon Challenge / Three Penis Wine Tasting. This is the time for you to eat before you go on the shitshow of a trail. If you are planning on leaving after circle, this is even more important, because the beer checks may not be beer. It may start with an E and rhyme with Sheverclear. We’ll see.

For those of you truly dedicated, you can head on up early to pick out your favorite spot and setup camp. Commence afternoon drinks and prelube for the r*n. We’ll be there prelubing and having a gay old time.

3:00PM BMH3 R*N #200 The Official Monkey Business Trail

Spork and Get off present a themed trail! We want you to wear business attire on trail! Birthday Suits are worth more points than tuxedo tee shirts. Find a briefcase in Shigmata’s truck? Bring it on trail! Are you a stripper with a great ass? Perfect, wear your work attire. Maybe loose pieces on trail as you go along and whoever finds all the pieces at the end wins you. Or at least the parts of you that the clothing belonged to.

Don’t feel like wearing business attire to trail? Fuck it, dress as your favorite monopoly piece! Come as a car. Or a top hat. Or a plane. Or an old greedy Jew. Isn’t that one of the pieces? Don’t feel like doing that either? Fine fuck it twice--who are we tell you what to wear?

We’re planning a 3 mile shiggy trail; complete with whatever we can find to muddy those elbow pads and swell those shoulder pads. Bring bugspray, sunscreen, thirst for beer, and hash cash!

6:00PM Cock, Tails, and Party

Now that you are done with a rigorous day, we’re going to go drink a few too many and hang with our co-twerkers. We have some stupid games and some prizes to give away. Bring a camp chair, or something to sit on. (Giggity) Bring a bottle ‘o bad decisions and plan on making it to the bottom. (Giggity)

9:00PM Farewell to Red Light Special and Where do you get off!?!

These two breeders got married and decided they were too good for us. If we get them drunk enough they might miss their flight on Sunday and end up sticking around longer! Even if we don’t get them drunk, Get Off will probably want to stop for boots on the way to the airport, so plan on that, too. We’ll be hanging around the fire swapping stories and saying au revoir. Bring an item that reminds you of them and we’ll put it in a time capsule that we can store in Gator’s mom.


9:07AM Wake up wondering where your clothes are, who or what shit in your mouth, why the tent is open, and whether or not that dead frog was in your tent before or after last night. Clean up your fucking mess, make it look like we were never there, then go the fuck home.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Where Do You Get Off & Cocktor Spork