Thursday, December 29, 2016

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 181 - The FUCK YOU 2016! Trail

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 181 - The FUCK YOU 2016! Trail

When: Saturday, December 31st, at ***2:00pm*** NOTE THE TIME, SHIT GETS DARK EARLY NOW!

WhereH-E-B (22618 Aldine Westfield Rd, Spring, TX)
22618 Aldine Westfield Rd, Spring TX 77373


Hares: Where Do You Get Off?! & Cocktor Spork

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From The Woodlands:
Travel South on 45 and exit 1960. Take that shit left to Treaschwig Rd. Take another left on Treaschwig and take that bitch to Aldine Westfield and bang a left. Keep driving until just PAST Cypress Island Drive. You'll see an unmarked road on your left across the street from the Library. If you end up by the HEB you went to fuckin far. Turn your jalopy around and look for the unmarked road on your right this time. Take that road into the parking lot which will be on your right.

From Houston:
Travel North on 45 and exit 1960. Make a right turn onto 1960 and ride that motherfucker until you hit Treaschwig Rd. turn yo' shit left onto Treaschwig and take that bitch to Aldine Westfield and bang a left. Keep driving until just PAST Cypress Island Drive. You'll see an unmarked road on your left across the street from the Library. If you end up by the HEB you went to fuckin far. Turn your jalopy around and look for the unmarked road on your right this time. Take that road into the parking lot which will be on your right.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: Honestly, we don't even know where to begin. This travesty of a year has claimed some great ones, it also has been clusterfucky in so many ways. What better way to celebrate this dumpster fire of year than to get REALLY drunk and puke at your NYE party, only to then get hauled off to the shower, where you can pass out and flood the host's house in an attempt to wash away the pain, shit, puke, etc. that is so representative of 2016? Trail will be roughly 3 miles through the shiggy. Probably have some water crossing on trail and an ending that is a well known homeless homosexual hangout. Wear shiggy socks, or don't we don't care if you elect to be a martyr this time. Bring bug spray or don't (we are rather despondent these days, don't judge us). So cum join us before crying into your lukewarm glass of Korbel Brut and ringing in the new year rocking back and forth to Poison's Every Rose Has its Thorn. Hash cash is $5. We have habadashery if you want/need it. There you have it folks...make it happen! On-On

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Thursday, December 08, 2016

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 180 - Redneck Abortion & Mud in My Crick's Birfday Trail!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 180 - Redneck Abortion & Mud in My Crick's Birfday Trail!

When: Saturday, December 17th, at ***2:00pm*** NOTE THE TIME, SHIT GETS DARK EARLY NOW!

Where: Redneck Abortion's Brick & Mortar Clinic
23507 Tree House Lane
Spring, TX 77373

Hares: Redneck Abortion & Mud In My Crick

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston:

VIA I-45N
I-45N to exit 68 toward Cypresswood Dr/Holzwarth Rd. Turn right onto E Cypresswood Dr, go two miles, then turn right onto Aldine Westfield Rd, go like a mile and a half.

VIA Hardy Toll Road
Take Hardy Toll Rd to Aldine Westfield Rd in Spring. Take the Aldine-Westfield Rd exit from Hardy Toll Rd. Turn right onto Aldine Westfield Rd, go 1 1/2 miles, then turn left onto Prairie Bird Dr, then turn right onto Tree House Ln.

Sidenote:

FROM THE HARES: Redneck Abortion and Mud in my Crick present a shitshow of an opportunity -- get lost in the middle of nowhere during the shitty December weather conditions! *YAY!!!*

You can expect 3-4 miles of Redneck's favorite, shiggy shiggy shiggy! There may and or may not be water crossings, depends on how much the hares love you during December. You will need to bring a warm change of clothes and a leash for your pooper. May be a bit of offroading for circle, so if you want to plan a carback, and you have a choice between a '97 Camery and a truck, go for the truck.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Thursday, December 01, 2016

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 179

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 179

When: Saturday, December 3rd, at ***2:00pm*** NOTE THE TIME, SHIT GETS DARK EARLY NOW!

Where: Imperial Valley Drive & Cypress Preserve,
Houston, TX (30°01'54.0"N 95°25'21.6"W)
*DIRECTIONS BELOW!*
*You can Google “Imperial Washateria”, it’s right down the street from it*

Hares: Womb Raider, Mouth Organ, and Cocktor Spork

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston:

VIA I-45N
I-45N to exit 66B Hollowtree St/Parramatta to north feeder. Follow north feeder, go over 1960 and just past Gilman Subaru then turn right on Cypress Preserve **GO AROUND ROAD CLOSED BARRICADE; A IS LANE OPEN** to second left hand turn onto Imperial Valley Dr.

VIA Hardy Toll Road
Hardy to FM 1960/Cypress Creek Parkway and merge onto 1960/Cypress Creek parkway. Take 1960 west and turn right in ~ 1 mile onto Cypress Slough/Cypress Preserve. **GO AROUND ROAD CLOSED BARRICADE BY THE TRAILER; A IS LANE OPEN** Follow Cypress Slough/Cypress Preserve then turn left onto Imperial Valley Dr in about 1 mile.

Sidenote:

FROM THE HARES: Cum one, cum all, for a Saturday of unforgettable escapades! Join Womb Raider, Mouth Organ, and Cocktor Spork for a trail through the unchartered, am off-road adventure where you are bound to find treasures and secrets beyond your wildest beliefs! Expect 3-ish miles of shiggy, water crossings, and bad decisions, with at least one beer check with whatever beers we can find in our combined fridges! IT will be dog friendly, but there may be some unexpected shit that you’ll have to help them through, but really, there are hashers we could say the same shit about, so yeah.

Bring a change of clothes, because you’ll be dirty when we’re done, and bring some warm shit for circle in case this state decides to finally reward us with something besides ball-dripping heat. So cum out and enjoy a beautiful Saturday with your monkey family, and try not to fuck it up!

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Twinkle Toes' #: (661) 342-1679

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Thursday, November 17, 2016

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 178

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 178

When: Saturday, November 19th, at ***2:00pm*** NOTE THE TIME, SHIT GETS DARK EARLY NOW!

Where: TX-242 and Lazy River Road
Conroe, TX (30.208720,-95.402325)

Hares: Bit-me Houston & Twinkle Toes

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 North to Exit 79A for College Park Drive/Needham Road/TX-242. Turn right on TX-242 and go for about 3 miles. Right before you are about to cross a big bridge, there is a small road to the right past some chain-link fence that goes down and to the right, like it's going to go under the bridge, go there.

Sidenote:
(From Where Do You Get Off)
If I told you that this queen of the night, is taking you far from Heartbreak Hotel and step by step deeper into the shiggy for one moment in time how will I know that you give good love? I got nothing. But all at once I look to you. So, exhale and let me know when you believe that I will always love you because my love is your love. And that love is shiggy. 3-4 miles of shiggy and beer is all the man that I need. This dog friendly trail is laid where I learned from the best when I didn't know my own strength. This whole experience is so emotional but I believe in you and me. So join me in the shiggy where I run to you with the greatest love of all and a million dollar bill. Oh and bring bug spray and $5 hash cash.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975
Twinkle Toes' #: (661) 342-1679

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Wednesday, November 02, 2016

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 177

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 177

When: Saturday, November 5th, at ***3:00pm***

Where: H-E-B Creekside
26500 Kuykendahl Road
Tomball, TX 77375

Hares: Homoglobin & Mouth Organ

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston (Tow options, check traffic):

Option 1: Take Hardy Toll Road or I-45 North to the Grand Parkway (99) West. Take the exit for Kuykendahl Road and go North. Go for about 5 miles and the H-E-B is on the corner of Kuykendahl Road and Creekside Forest Drive.

Option 2: Take Hardy Toll Road to I-45 or just take I-45 North to Exit 76B for Woodlands Parkway. Take that west for about 5 miles until you hit Kuykendahl Road, then turn left. Go for two miles and the H-E-B is on the corner of Kuykendahl Road and Creekside Forest Drive.

Sidenote:
Homoglobin just had a birthday, and now he needs to evaluate all his life's choices by laying a Brass Monkey trail. The hare says to expect a 3 mile trail with boobs, beer, and bad decisions. This will be dog friendly, will include water crossings, and a beer check! So cum one, cum all, and see if it's still going to be fucking 80° something in November! (I hate you, Texas, I want to wear my layers and accessories!)

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off?'s #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Thursday, October 13, 2016

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 176

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 176 - Get Off & Croc of Shit's Bumbling Barfday Trail

When: Saturday, October 22nd, at ***3:30pm*** (Because Get Off)

Where: Keith-Weiss Park
12300 Aldine-Westfield Road
Houston, TX 77093

Hares: Where Do You Get Off? & Croc of Shit

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take Hardy Toll Toad north and exit towards Little York Road / Gulf Bank Road. Take the feeder to Hartwick Road and turn tight. Go for a mile then turn left onto Aldine-Westfield. Park will be on your right. Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARE: Expect a 3 mile trail with boobs, beer, and bad decisions. It's almost Halloween so cum in your sexiest costume because you fucks won't be "running" as much as you will be staggering. As is becoming tradition for these stupid Halloween barfday trails, you can expect there to be a fair bit of drinking at this trail so plan your transportation accordingly, because what better way than to get back at these two fucktards than to make them puke candy corn colors?

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off?'s #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Friday, October 07, 2016

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 175

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 175

When: Saturday, October 8th, at ***3:00pm***

Where: Alden Bridge Sports Park
4751 FM 242/College Park Road
The Woodlands, TX 77382

Hares: Womb Raider

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 N or Hardy Toll Road to I-45 N. Exit on 79A TX 242 and turn left onto TX 242/ College Park Drive and go about three miles. Make a U-turn at Green Bridge Drive and the park will be on your right.

Sidenote:
We're not having a hurricane here, so come get drunk on beer and shame as we bring you this Brass Monkey trail! Thanks to a last minute step-in hare, Spork doesn't have to lay some trail of shame that may or may not get someone sold to some visiting Vietnamese hashing businessman. Thank you Womb Raider!! So now, notes from the hare!

FROM THE HARE: As a last minute hare I have a start, an end and a vague plan. Expect 3-4 miles of mostly shiggy and a possible water crossing or two. There will be one beer check and trail should be dog friendly.

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off?'s #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Friday, September 23, 2016

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 174

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 174

When: Saturday, September 24th, at 3:15pm! ***NOTE THE TIME!!!*** Bar opens their gates at 3:00pm. Don't get there early,

Where: Eden's Landing, Spring TX.

Hares: Croc of Shit & Aryan Sisterhood

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Exit East Cypresswood Drive off of I-45 and Eden's Landing will be on your right in about 8 miles.

Sidenote:
This will be a virgin lay from Croc of Shit and Aryan Sisterhood, so be prepared. Be prepared for a terrible trail, terrible markings, horrendous beer, and probably some German death marches.

Using excitement and lube to lead the way, these two have been heavy scouting over the past few days, and think they have come up with something terrible enough that they could be considered seasoned hares.

Frontnote:

Yes this will be a virgin lay and an all virgin trail so you know circle is going to be good. GUILTY!!

Cocktor claims to have been helping out but it's been nothing but platitudes and cum ons. Is waking up to "The early bird gets the Cocktor" texts supposed to be encouraging?

We'll be kicking off from Eden's Landing in Spring. A dive bar with some grub for when we're done.

Hope to see your beautiful (my opinion) and ugly (your momma's) faces on Saturday.

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off?'s #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Thursday, September 08, 2016

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 173 - Cocktor Spork's BIRFDAY Trail!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 173 - Cocktor Spork's BIRFDAY Trail!

When: Saturday, September 10th, at 3:00pm! ***NOTE THE TIME!!!***

Where: 
H-E-B Spring Creek Market
3540 Rayford Road
Spring, TX 77386

Hares: Cocktor Spork & @ss Gagger

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road North to the Grand Parkway (99), and go East (right). Go for only like a mile or two, then exit onto Riley Fuzzel / 99 feeder road. Take this until you hit the HEB on your right, it is just past Discovery Creek Road, on the corner of 99 and Rayford.

Sidenote: 
FROM THE HARES: 

To the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies

Come listen to a story about a boy named Spork,
Who just hit 30 years but he doesn’t eat pork.
So instead he laid a trail for the people he’d call a friend,
And tried to get them killed before they hit the very end!

With a special co-hare by the name of @ss Gagger,
Who drove in just for this with her b00bs on a platter.
You should just expect a trail that was laid by some drunks,
Who got lost out scouting just following some hunks.

There’ll be water and some shiggy and maybe even snakes,
And it’ll be warm so don’t expect snow flakes.
Just plan on coming out to drink and do a trail,
Then afterwards some of us will smoke and inhale!

So I’ll see you all this weekend if you wanna get shitfaced,
Virgin ending spot so hopefully we won’t get raped.
I’ll keep you all away from schools by 50 yards,
So you don’t end up in jail getting molested by the guards!

Questions? Comments? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry).

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off?'s #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Tuesday, August 23, 2016

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 172

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 172

When: Saturday, August 27th, at 3:00pm! ***NOTE THE TIME!!!***

Where: 
George Mitchell Nature Preserve - Creekside Trailhead
(Rough Address)
6055 Creekside Forest Drive, The Woodlands, TX

Hares: Womb Raider & Just Allison

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 North to Exit 70B for Spring-Stubner / Road-West. Take Spring Stubner going west for about 4 miles. Turn right onto Gosling Road and go for about 4 miles. Turn left into Creekside Forest Drive / Subdivision. Huge entrance on the left that says The Woodlands. Go to the traffic circle (round-about) and take first right onto Creekside Forest Drive. George Mitchell Preserve trailhead is on the right and a large dirt parking lot next to that. Park at the Trailhead for George Mitchell Preserve after the round-about on the right. If parking is full there, park in the dirt parking lot to the right of the trailhead parking. ***WE ARE PUTTING ROB FLEMMING PARK AS WHERE BECAUSE IT IS CLOSE, THIS IS RIGHT DOWN THE STREET FROM THAT!** 

Sidenote: 
FROM THE HARES: As I am a lazy hare and prefer to only lay trails within a 5 mile radius of my house, trail will start at the George Mitchell Nature Preserve Creekside trailhead. It will be a 3-4 mile mix of mostly shiggy, a bit of runnable trail, and a bit of pavement. Since I have a secret not so secret desire to get you wet and make you bleed, there will be at least one water crossing, briars and thorns. With all the rain and rain to cum expect a glorious soggy muddy mess. Besides the usual snakes, spiders and deer you may also get to see a Ford pickup that is possibly more redneck than my Chevy. There will be at least one beer check with good craft beer. Trail is doggy friendly so bring your friends with wagging tails.

Questions? Comments? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry).

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off?'s #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Tuesday, August 09, 2016

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 171

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 171 – The Trail of Uncertainty!

When: Saturday, August 13th, at 3:00pm! ***NOTE THE TIME!!!***

Where: 
Jesse H. Jones Park & Nature Center
20634 Kenswick Dr, Humble, TX 77338

Hares: Where Do You Get Off? and KatchUp

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-69/59 North. Take the exit toward Bush Intercont'l Airport/Will Clayton Pkwy, then turn left on Will Clayton Prky. Go for a few then turn right onto Kenswick Drive, and go north. Take this all the way. When you enter the park you will go all the way to the last stop sign then take a LEFT. You will follow that all the way to the back of the park were the trail shall start.

Sidenote: 
FROM THE HARES: Cum one, cum all to the Trail of Uncertainty. Why uncertainty you may ask? Well that is because it is being hared by Where Do You Get Off? and KatchUp(The Uncertainty). Most of you who did KatchUp's last trail nearly died and/or were at least kicked out of the park before getting to do circle. So this time around Get Off will have one of those super awesome Monkey backpacks with a leash to keep KatchUp from going off and laying an Eagle trail of Death. What you can expect on this trail, Water crossings and a beer check. That's it, nothing else. The park we are starting at is unfortunately not dog friendly so DO NOT BRING YOUR CUTE DOG(s). 

Directions once you enter the park: 
When you enter the park you will go all the way to the last stop sign then take a LEFT. You will follow that all the way to the back of the park were the trail shall start.

Questions? Comments? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry).

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off?'s #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 170

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 170

When: Saturday, July 30th, at 4:00pm! ***NOTE THE TIME!!!***

Where: 
High Oaks Park
13100 Sawmill Rd.
(Street parking at Dead end of Sawmill)
The Woodlands, TX 77380 

Hares: Cocktor Spork, and at least one mystery hare!

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Head North on I-45 (or Hardy Toll Road until it dead ends into 45), take exit 73 (Rayford Rd./Sawdust Rd.). Turn left at your first light (Rayford/Sawdust) and go to the 4th light where Sawdust turns hard left past Burger King and before Starbucks. After turning left, go straight past first light and go to the second light, Sawmill Road, and turn left. Go allllll the way to the end, look for parking and hashers on the street. Don't park like a dick.

Sidenote: 
FROM THE HARES: Ladies & Gents, Boys and Girls, Castrated and other, I bring you the tiny-trail that could! Planned by Twinkle, hared by Spork (and a mystery slutty hare), this promises to be short, sweet, and light on diseases, which is more than can be said for some of the people we frequent with.

There will be at least one beer check, there will be water crossings, and depending on the rain, there may be a “Where’s a Jew to split the water” crossing. Bring a friend or two, and show them what hashing is all about! Expect shiggy, so wear your high socks, and expect to get dirty, so bring a change of clothes so we don’t have to smell your dirty ass in circle.

Cum beat the summer heat by drinking some cold beers with other likeminded people who also enjoy making fun of things they shouldn’t, hitting on people they shouldn’t, and trying to get through an event without getting breathalyzed! 

Questions? Comments? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry).

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off?'s #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Saturday, July 09, 2016

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 169 – The RA Gang-Bang!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 169 – The RA Gang-Bang!

When: Saturday, July 16th, at 4:00pm! ***NOTE THE TIME!!!***

Where:
Lazy River Road
Conroe, TX 77385
(30.208638, -95.402416)

Hares: Cocktor Spork, Where Do You Get Off?, and Donnie the Retard

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 North to exit 79A toward College Park Drive/Needham Road/TX-242. Take the feeder all the way to College Park Drive/Needham Road/TX-242, and turn right. Go for 2-3 miles, and look for a dirt road-ish turn off past a couple buildings, actual street name is Lazy Rover Road. Drive to the Cul-de-Sac at the end.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: Cum one, cum all, to a trail for the ages! Join Cocktor Spork, Where Do You Get Off?, and Donnie the Retard for a shiggy-tastic trail full of water crossings, thorns, and regrets, capped off by a circle led by all three hares! Make them drink, make them cry, make them remember a fuck ton of songs while simultaneously getting smashed!

Expect at least one beer check, some fucking hot weather, and some thorns that will make you bleed like you finally got to go on a date with “Jimmy-10-Inch” and find out why they call him “Jimmy-10-Inch”. It wasn’t because of his shoe size, let me assure you. It should be dog friendly, but there may be some pretty tough shit to get them through, so happy hunting if you decide to bring yours.

Since this is out 169th trail, expect some super-secret-surprises! Maybe we’ll throw it old school and bring some Manischewitz, maybe we’ll do a nod to our Kimchi roots and give people some herpes, maybe we’ll just hire a Harriette to hula-hoop while drinking a monkey and playing “The Cheese Stands Alone” on a mini-piano with her right foot.

Although the weather will be hot, expect us to bring some cold and refreshing things to the end to make it worth your while! Make sure to bring a change of clothes and such because you’re gonna be gross as hell when you’re done.

Questions? Comments? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry).

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off?'s #: (281) 608-0004
Donnie The Retard's #: (832) 257-7052
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Thursday, June 30, 2016

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 168 – Homoglobin's Second Anal Divorcersary Trail!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 168 – Homoglobin's Second Anal Divorcersary Trail!

When: Saturday, July 2nd, at 4:00pm!

Where:
Burroughs Park
9738 Hufsmith Road
Tomball, TX 77375

Hare: Homoglobin

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 North to FM 2920 West / Spring Cypress Road, then turn left. Go for like 5 miles and turn right onto Kuykendahl Road. Go for another 5-ish miles and turn left onto Hufsmith Road. Go for like a mile and a half and it will wind you to the left, then turn Right into the park.

Sidenote:
Ladies and Gentlemen, join the Brass Monkey for a steamy afternoon of ex-treme happiness for Homoglobin’s Second Anal Divorcersary Trail! Expect shiggy, and if this fucking rain keeps up, water crossings. Bring Alligator spray, and bug spray… only one of them will *really* help, but it least you’ll feel slightly better about yourself. Maybe. Expect at least one beer check, and expect to be fucking gross by the end of trail, so bring something to change into.

NOTES FROM THE HARE: there will be some Karbach and shitty beer for the beer check. 3.4 miles true trail. It just rained like a mother fucker so it will be muddy from time to time. The forecast looks good but hot so stay hydrated. On on!

Questions? Comments? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry).

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 167 – Red Light Special & Outside Cat’s Birfday Trail!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 167 – Red Light Special & Outside Cat’s Birfday Trail!

When: Saturday, June 18th, at 3:00pm! ***NOTE THE TIME***

Where:
Carl Barton Junior Park
2500 TX-336 Loop
Conroe, TX 77301

Hares: Red Light Special & Outside Cat

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it dead ends into I-45, then continue North. Take until Exit 84B towards South Frazier Street/TX-75/Texas 336 Loop. Turn right on 336, and take that for about two-three miles until you see Carl Barton Junior Park on your right.

Sidenote:
Bring bugspray! Plan on wet and hot, just like Page 43 of an International male catalogue. “97° and scattered showers.” How do fucking weathermen in this state get paid, like seriously. Anywho, expect shiggy, beer, and b00bs! This will be dog friendly, but bring a leash for a few spots. Also, this will be KatchUp friendly, but bring a leash for a few spots. Make sure to bring a change of clothes and shoes, you will not want to stay in them for circle or on-after. Oh, and don’t fucking forget bugspray, those fucking mosquitos are *terrible* right now.

The hares will be partying the night before, and will be hurting on Saturday. Hard. They are going to punish you like a glutard at a bread eating contest, so conversely, you must make sure they pay for it in circle. Expect treacherous slopes of vines and shiggy, jungles of bamboo and vines that Tarzan could have swung from in that little loin cloth of his, talk about wanting to come back as an object in another life. Meowwwwwwwwwwww. Anywho, never actually been to this park, so I have no idea what it has, but I expect it to be a trail from hell. Prepare yourselves…….

Questions? Comments? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry).

Where Do You Get Off’s #: (832) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975
Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork