Monday, December 30, 2013

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 103



THE NEW YEARS RESOLUTION AMNESTY HASH

When: Saturday, January 4th 2014, 2:00pm!!!

Where: Kroger - 2301 Rayford Rd, Spring, TX 77386

Hare(s): London Fag & a special mystery hare (it's Tender Vittles)

Why: Because you like drinking period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash and shag bag (change of clothes). $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $15, Stickers $1, Patches $3 & $4, Socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course!

D'erections:

FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 north as far as exit 73 toward Rayford Rd/Sawdust Rd. Turn right onto Rayford Rd, Kroger is a few blocks down on the left. If you can't see it you will not survive the Vittles portion of trail.

Sidenote: This could be a revolutionary clusterfuck double pivot choose your own adventure trail. Decide betwixt a London Fag 2-3 mile wander through the wilderness and or an epic cross-state Tender Vittles ballbuster. Bring a passport and wear your Life Alert pendant. Switch trails at the midway beercheck if you get bored or tired.

Well there you heard it people, make it so!

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
MasturGator's #: (936) 444-8591
London Fag's #: (832) 830-1107

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 102



When: Saturday, December 21st, 2:00pm!!!

Where:
Alden Bridge Sports Park
4751 FM 242 / College Park Road
The Woodlands, TX 77382
*Use the right parking lot*

Hare(s): Homoglobin & Unlaiden Swallows

Why: Because you like drinking period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash and shag bag (change of clothes). $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $15, Stickers $1, Patches $3 & $4, Socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course!

D'erections:

FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 north or Hardy Toll Road until is dumnps into I-45. Go all the way to exit 79A toward College Park Drive/Needham Road/Texas 242. Turn left on TX 242 / College Park Drive and go for about three miles. Make a U-turn at Green Bridge Drive and the park will be on your right.

Sidenote: Expect coldness, expect possible water crossings, expect shiggy, and expect to get fucked up in proper monkey pre-xmas tradition! Bring something to keep us warm at the start, perhaps a bottle of something not Malort? Read the note below from the hares, and plan accordingly!!! FROM THE HARES: When entering the park, please use the right parking lot.The theme for this run is "Camo-Kwanzaa" which means where something camouflage or something Kwanzaa-ish. Yeah, I had to look some of the Kwanzza stuff up too. The beer check will also have Jello shots and probably slut juice. We will bring some egg nog and alcohol for circle, so expect a shitshow... or at least diarrhea. Maybe hot toddies whatever the hell those are. If the hounds so desire, they may bring a small gift for a white elephant gift exchange, and by gift I mean some old decrepit item that serves no use or is funny such as a vcr tape. This is just something to lighten it up!

Well there you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
MasturGator's #: (936) 444-8591

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Thursday, December 05, 2013

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 101 - A Joint H4 & BMH3 Event!



When: Saturday, December 7th, 2:00pm!!!

Where:
ZZSkinDeep
4129 Southerland Road, Ste E
Houston, TX 77092

Hare(s): Dick Assley, Jizzabel, & KatchUp

Why: Because you like drinking period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash and shag bag (change of clothes). $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $15, Stickers $1, Patches $3 & $4, Socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course!

D'erections:

FROM HOUSTON: Take 610 to 290W towards Austin. Exit West 43rd Street / Bingle Road / Pinemont Drive. Turn left on West 43rd Street, then left on Southerland Road.

FROM THE WOODLANDS: Take I-45 south to Beltway 8 West. Take that until you hit 290 then take that East. Exit West 43rd Street / Bingle Road / Pinemont Drive. Take the Pinemont Drive East exit then merge onto Southerland Road.

Sidenote: This year, the H4 xmas party is on a Brass Monkey Saturday... again. So this year, we are doing a joint trail! Hared by Dick Assley, with last minute addition and Brass Monkey representative KatchUp, with slut-wagon provided and driven by Jizzabel, this should be a shitshow. It's going to be cold, rainy, and awesome. Wear warm shit and bring your party clothes for after. The H4 xmas party will be following this trail and you can find all the information you need on the H4.org website. Sign up online or pay at the door, this should be a sexy and fun experience!

Well there you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
MasturGator's #: (936) 444-8591

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Friday, November 08, 2013

Brass Monkey Hash House Harriers 100th Hash Celebration: Hash & Formal

Brass Monkey Hash House Harriers 100th Hash Celebration
Hash & Formal

“Ladies” and “Gentlemen”, the time has arrived. The Brass Monkey Hash is celebrating its 100th run on Saturday, November 23rd! Holy shit, I can’t believe we made it this long. In February of 2010, the Brass Monkeys started with nothing but two houses across the street from each other, traditions from the Colorado Kimchi H3, and a ton of bad fucking ideas. Now, almost four years later, we are still here, and we have found a ton of fuckups to follow us, bringing their own bad decisions and sluttyness every other weekend to enjoy shiggy, beer, slut-juice, drunken circles, and epic on-afters. Now, as we celebrate 100 runs, we invite you to an all-day shitshow. What are we planning? Oh, quite a lot, but let’s start with the basics.

We will be starting with a shiggilicious trail in The Woodlands laid by a Brass Monkey founder and a Brass Monkey OG, Donnie The Retard and Twinkle Toes. In typical Donnie/Twinkle fashion, it will be hardcore shiggy. Not like “Oh look, it’s a puddle”, but like “Oh shit, I’m more fucking sore than Jenna Jameson was throughout her twenties.” This is going to have water, bushes, jesus thorns, and somehow twinkle always finds bamboo, so probably some of that shit, too. At least two, count ‘em TWO beer checks with assortments of delicious things like slut-juice or Malort, who the hell knows. Plan on three to five miles, wear shiggy socks, and plan to get d-i-r-t-y. After circle, we get clean. Not like “Come here, let me pee on your leg to help your Poison Ivy” clean, but like, “Here, let’s take a shower together so we can soap each other” clean. Trail will be at 12:00pm and as usual, it will be $5 and that can be paid in cash, Asian boys, or a Toblerone chocolate bar.

Once we are all cleaned up, we will be going out for our first ever Formal Monkey Event! Dress formal, people. Like the monopoly guy formal. Comb your hair, try to hide those bumps on your lips, and put on your finest suit, tux, gown, dress, or whatever you’ve got and join us for an evening in our private “ball”room at Cilantro’s Mexican Grill. We will enjoy food, drink, and an establishment with a full bar. Awards, stories of the first hundred runs, and general brouhaha’ing will ensue. For this event, the cost will be $20 and that pays for your meal, a badass Special Edition Brass Monkey 100th Patch, the night’s entertainment & awards, and the special surprise with all sorts of goodies that you’ll get to enjoy in circle! Drinks will be on your own because it’s a place with a full bar and awesome margaritas, we weren’t gonna be like “Here, have some keg beer, even though we just did circle and drank a lot of fucking beer.” You are going to drink what you want to drink. We will stay at this establishment until the time that it is deemed necessary to leave because we would rather leave than be kicked out. Commence impromptu pub-crawl. This is not going to be planned, because it will just happen. We will find some bar that we think sounds great at the time within walking distance and walk in looking badass. This will go as long as we want it to, but it’s Saturday night, so something will be going on.

Most of you will be way too drunk to go home, so plan on staying in The Woodlands. Suggested lodging is the Motel 8 Resort & Spa located only a block away from Papa’s Ice House, where we will most likely end up because they love us and we love them… and we’ll still be dressed amazingly. It is totally feasible we will end up at Papa’s because it is walking distance (less than a ½ mile) from Cilantro’s. For the motel, I just looked online and it is only $50 for the night. $50 freaking dollars. If you call, you might even get a better rate. Room up with three other people, that’s like $15 or less a person. Holy hell, people, come on, why would you want to sleep on a floor when you can have a bed and your own damn shower. Plus, if you get a room, you have somewhere to clean up after circle. Boom! Synergy, it all comes together. *Rotates fingers in a forward circular motion over each other* With rooms, who the hell knows what’s going to happen next. Drinking back at the rooms, getting dragged back to the rooms, helping put the eATMe hashers into their car so they aren’t passed out next to it, whatever it shall be.

To finish it off, it would not be a real Brass Monkey unless you woke up Sunday morning super hung-over and felt like death. Time for… FROZEN SCREWDRIVERS! Sunday morning Brunch at Berryhill Baja Grill for the win! Get some food and hydration and recover yourself so you can move on to whatever you need to get to. The H4 that day will be hared by Geek and Little Pussy, per the H4 calendar, so you can probably bet on another trail that is going to kick your ass.

This brings us to the end of Monkeytime. We will sing that song that the little kids sing when they go to bed in The Sound of Music and be go home. We love you, but come on, go the hell home. We’ve been together like 24 hours already. See you all at the 100TH!

***Since there is food and such involved, we need to know if you are coming for SURE no later than Wednesday, November 20th! You must RSVP on the FB page or let us know for sure otherwise.***

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Start Location for the Hash at 12:00:
High Oaks Park
13100 Sawmill Rd.
(Street parking at Dead end of Sawmill)
The Woodlands, TX 77380  

Brass Monkey Formal Event at 5:00pm:
Cilantro’s Mexican Grill
314 Sawdust Road
The Woodlands, TX 77380

Recommended Lodging:
Super 8 Motel, Spa, and Resort
24903 Interstate 45
The Woodlands, TX 77380

Wednesday, November 06, 2013

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 99



When: Saturday, November 9th, 2:00pm!!!
***PRE-LUBE AT Lone Pint Brewery AT 12:30!***

Where:
Magnolia Ridge Blvd, Magnolia, TX 77354
30.211932035163045,-95.738858347758651
**NOTE** Start point listed is for the PRE-LUBE, if you don't want to Pre-Lube, go to hell and follow the other one!

Hare(s): Heartache & Where Do You Get Off?

Why: Because you like drinking period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash and shag bag (change of clothes). $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $15, Stickers $1, Patches $3 & $4, Socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course!

D'erections:

FROM HOUSTON FOR PRE-LUBE: Take I-45 North to the Beltway and go West. Take 249 North and go all the way until it becomes FM 1774. Take FM 1774 until you hit RI Butler, then turn left. Turn right on Commerce Street. Also, you could just type "Lone Pint Brewery" into your damn phone and follow it.

FROM HOUSTON FOR TRAIL, NOT PRE-LUBE: take I-45 North to the Beltway and go West. Take 249 North and go all the way until it becomes FM 1774. Turn right onto FM 1488 East. Go until you hit Magnolia Ridge Blvd and turn right. Turn right again onto Magnolia Ridge Blvd. Then take 2nd left onto Magnolia Ridge Blvd. Boom.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES:
Does it burn when you pee?
Do you suffer from insomnia?
Do your bones ache when the weather changes?
Do you constantly find yourself complaining about crap that actually doesn’t bother you but you nag anyway to keep up appearances?
Are you eskimo brothers with Mick Jagger?

If you answered any of these questions, well let’s face it, you had nothing better to do…which is why you should join us for the 99th running of the BRASS MONKEY HASH HOUSE HARRIERS! As we embark on our 99th run (only a few shy from the number of rings you would find if you cut Heartache in half to determine his true biological age).

This (almost) milestone of a trail is straight out of the viagara triangle as we celebrate beer, boobs, and geriatrics! Join us for 3-4 shigtastic miles through awesome backwoods Magnolia!

PLEASE BE SURE TO WEAR BRIGHT COLORS. HUNTING SEASON IS NOW UPON US AND WE SAW THINGS THAT LOOKED SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE BLINDS OUT ON TRAIL. IF YOU WISH TO GO FULL RETARD YOU CAN FIND A DEER COSTUME AT FRANKEL’S COSTUME CO IN HOUSTON.

Questions, comments, concerns? Keep them to yourself…bah humbug! I mean “On-On”

Well there you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
MasturGator's #: (936) 444-8591


0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 98


When: Saturday, October 26th, 2:00pm!!!

Where:
Community Center Drive & WEST Rayford Road
Spring, TX 77389
(Close to Augusta Pines Equestrian Center)
(30.114083,-95.542496)

Hare(s): Where Do you Get Off?, Matthew McConnaGAY, Gee Pee Ess, Son of a Ditch, Red Light Special, KatchUp

Why: Because you like drinking period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash and shag bag (change of clothes). $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $15, Stickers $1, Patches $3 & $4, Socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course!

D'erections:

FROM HOUSTON: Head North on I-45 and take exit 70B toward Spring Stuebner/Rd-West then veer right Spring Stuebner/Rd-West which will take you under the freeway and make you head West. Go for like 5 miles then turn Right onto Kuykendahl Road. Go NW on Kuykendahl Road for about 2 1/2 miles then turn Right onto West Rayford Road. Community Center Drive will be on your left in less than a mile, right past a bridge over a creek.

Sidenote: FROM THE HARES: After a freak accident involving a GPS, some cool-aid, and urine, after a backhoe violated mother earth, after a famous actor’s loufa-mold spawned something incredible, almost exactly 9 months after a great crane made love to the sea came the immaculate births of these tragic failures of hashers and the bane of their existence for the rest of us; Gee Pee Ess, Son of a Ditch, Matthew McConnaGAY, and Where Do You Get Off?
These poor sods are joined by KatchUp and Red Light Special in what is sure to be an especially shitty trail. I mean this trail is so bad it has 6 hares! Who does that? I guess these wankers can’t seem to get it together. What’s worse, they are laying in an area that has already had a trail or 2 (or more) laid on it this year—how original!

This birthday let down is going to be more disappointing than what lies in their pants. It is going to be a birthday/Halloween themed trail with a few twists in there. Those of you who aren’t busy watching your shiggy socks bounce around in the dryer or can spare time from chewing on your ears should consider something else before attending. Should you show up, expect there to be shiggy, beer, boobs, shiggy, beer, prizes, mosquitoes, and possibly a little fun. Show up, bring hash cash, and an appetite for fun and debauchery, and celebrate this awful quadfecta of a birthday bash! 

If you have any questions, please reach out to one of the hares—I mean hell there are enough of them.

Well there you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
MasturGator's #: (936) 444-8591


0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Saturday, October 12, 2013

Tired of having no BMH3 in my life.

Sup biotches!  I just realized y'all made me a contributor to this page...probably years ago when the BMH3 was founded and whatnot, but I never claimed to be real observant.  So I am looking at being in Galveston at the end of the month.  Any chance of getting a Monkey fix on the weekend of  November 1,2,3?

On-On!
Guamarhea Balls
AGM - Knuckledraggers H3

Thursday, October 10, 2013

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 97



When: Saturday, October 12th, 2:00pm!!! (NOTE THE TIME!)

Where:
The GatorSntach Motel
7 Still Glen Court
The Woodlands, TX 77381

Hare(s): SpeedbUMPs & CSI

Why: Because you like drinking period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash and shag bag (change of clothes). $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $15, Stickers $1, Patches $3 & $4, Socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course!

D'erections:

FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it dead-ends into I-45. Take Exit 76B for Woodlands Parkway. Take Woodlands Parkway for 3-4 miles, then turn left onto South Panther Creek Drive. Go to the stop sign with the school on your right, go past it, then turn left in the first subdivision right past the church onto CoralBerry Road. Take your second right onto Yewleaf then your second right again onto Still Glen Court.

Sidenote: SpeedbUMPs will be haring this along with CSI, so you know two things, it will be dog friendly and there will be tit checks. Originally scheduled somewhere Houston-ish, Masturgator convinced the hares that The Woodlands is the best place for this trail because of the vast uncharted shiggy. Actually Gator just didn't want to have to drive to Houston to beermeister and stuff because he knew PMS would just get angry and yell at him. I hate it when mommy and daddy fight. EXPECT: TWO beer checks, lots of shiggy, trail about 4-ish miles... not like 4-ish TwinkleToes miles, like 4 real miles. That's what SpeedbUMPs says, but I don't think he's ever laid a trail with CSI before. Bring dry clothes for on-after, and if you expect to be gettin' all up on SpeedbUMPs' b00bs, bring cash. I will be in Vegas for my Grandma's wedding, true story, so expect a circle RA'd by Gator, unless PMS gets mad at him, then it might be RamRod.

Well there you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
MasturGator's #: (936) 444-8591

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Thursday, September 26, 2013

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 96 / 69


When: Saturday, September 28th, 3:00pm!!!

Where:
East Bluff Court Cul-de-Sac
Magnolia, TX 77354
(30.25415,-95.56284)

Hare(s): Twinkle Toes & PooDoo Alfredo

Why: Because you like drinking period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash and shag bag (change of clothes). $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $15, Stickers $1, Patches $3 & $4, Socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course!

D'erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it dead-ends into I-45. Take Exit 81 for FM 1488 Magnolia / Hempstead. Once you exit, take 1488 W loop under and over the freeway so you end up going West. Go straight for six-ish miles, then turn right on Egypt Community Rd/Honea Egypt Rd. Go straight for a mile and continue onto Sendera Ranch Road for another mile, then turn right onto East Bluff Court.

Sidenote: Expect shiggy! This is that thick Magnolia shiggy, so be warned! Water, and thorns, and vicious wang-doodles! PooDoo says she is not responsible for Mountain Lion attacks. This is also out 96th, er 69th, backwards-esque style hash! What does that mean? Who knows. Maybe we just wanted to say 69 again, cause it's awesome. Backwards marks? Mehbeh. Chalk talk after? Mehbeh, but probably not. That's kinda douchy. Hopefully there will be *something* 69-ish. Depending on the sluts that show up for this one, it might happen before trail even starts. Bring cash for 0n-0n-0n.

Well there you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
MasturGator's #: (936) 444-8591


0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 95 - The Cabana Boys Trail



When: Saturday, September 14th, 3:00pm!!!

Where:
Papa's Ice House
314 Pruitt Rd Spring, TX 77380

Hare(s): La Situación & Matthew McConaGAY

Why: Because you like drinking period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash and shag bag (change of clothes). $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $15, Stickers $1, Patches $3 & $4, Socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course!

D'erections:

FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it dead-ends into I-45. Take Exit 73, Rayford / Sawdust Road, then take that all the way to the first light (Rayford / Sawdust) and take the far left lane to loop under the freeway to go back North. Right past the huge Texaco is Pruitt Road, turn right. Go for a hot second and Papa's Ice House will be on your right.

Sidenote: FROM THE HARES: Originally dubbed the Pretty Boy Trail, my powers of seduction have made it the Cabana Boys Trail, aka Los Niños Cachondos. It is going to be a BEACH THEME RUN. Promises of shiggy, water crossings, and dog friendly. Also, the hares will be hiding somewhere on trail naked, whoever catches them gets them for the day. At least two beer checks of mixed beverages. Bring shit you don't mind getting wet, and if you are bringing technology on trail, bring something to keep it safe in. Mosquitoes suck right now, so bring bug spray.

*REMINDER* If you aren't going to do trail, don't plan on doing circle! We don't care if you pay, if you are not cool enough to do trail, you are not cool enough for circle. Period. Check the BMH3 group for on-after location once we are there.

Well there you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
MasturGator's #: (936) 444-8591
0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Monday, August 26, 2013

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 94

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 94 - Spork's Birfday Slutty Yellow Rain-Bow Wedding Extravaganza!

When: Saturday, August 31st, 2:00pm!!!

Where:
Texas Crab Hash Land!
6848 Almeda Genoa Rd, Houston, TX 77075

Hare(s): Cocktor Spork, YellowRain, Dick The Boy Wonder, and Fluffer! (H-O-L-Y S-H-I-T)

Why: Because you like drinking period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash and shag bag (change of clothes). $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $15, Stickers $1, Patches $3 & $4, Socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course!

D'erections:

FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 South to exit 40B Pearland / Alvin. Merge onto Reveille Street, then continue onto Telephone Road. Right onto Almeda Genoa Road, then it will be on your left after like a mile.

Sidenote: FROM THE HARES: This... this is going to be epic. Originally planned to be Spork's Birthday run, Dick The Boy Wonder and his soon-to-be bride will now be tying the knot on this day as well! So join us in this pre-wedding hash extravaganza. Because of my love of all things yellow, including but not limited to small Asian boys and bananas in a non-sexual way, you MUST dress up in your sluttiest yellow that you own! Dress, compression shorts, underwear, don't care, as long as it is slutty and yellow!!!!!

What do you need to know? This shit:

° You will have FOUR hares: Myself, Yellow Rain, Dick The Boy Wonder, and Fluffer! This is going to be a shitshow in its truest form.
° Wear your sluttiest yellow thing that you own! SERIOUSLY!
° If you are going to the wedding after, plan accordingly, the wedding is at 6:30pm. Dick is being amazing, as always, and inviting all the hashers - the theme is Island: No tie, no shoes, no problem... Hawaiian prints, beach hats and Island wear preferred!
° This will still be Spork's birfday run, so plan on bringing Asian virgins with you. Don't worry, I will keep them safe.

Well there you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
MasturGator's #: (936) 444-8591

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Monday, August 12, 2013

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 93

When: Saturday, August 17th, 2:00pm!!!

Where: TimberLakers/TimberRidge Community Pool
Royal Oaks Road, The Woodlands, TX

Hare(s): Fucking Tree Hugger & A Wiener Runs Through It

Why: Because you like drinking period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash and shag bag (change of clothes). $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $15, Stickers $1, Patches $3 & $4, Socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course!

D'erections: FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it hits I-45 and exit 73 Towards Rayford / Sawdust (Where you would normally exit for Spork's Spooning Spectacularium.) Turn left under the freeway onto Sawdust Road and go straight until Sawdust turns left right before Starbucks and CVS, then turn left onto it. Stay on this shit all the way until it dead ends, it will turn you hard right, hard left, etc... ALL WAY WAY! When it deadends onto Glen Lock Drive, turn right. Go until you hit Royal Oaks, aka the street with the sign saying "ALL THE SHIT THAT WAY." Park at the bottom of the hill along the road.

Sidenote: FROM THE HARES: At least 2 beer checks, plenty of shiggy, maybe a road or two. There will be water crossings, unless it keeps raining much, and then 100% chance of water crossings.... "probably" PI somewhere. and of course, thorns.
Boob checks and dick checks....because it’s Tree Hugger and Wiener laying trail, and we love those things, cause we are whores. WHORES.

Well there you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
MasturGator's #: (936) 444-8591


0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Monday, July 29, 2013

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 92


When: Saturday, August 3rd, 3:00pm!!!

Where:
33295 Wedgewood Drive (All the way to the dead end)
Magnolia, TX 77354

Hare(s): Where Do You Get Off? & KatchUp

Why: Because you like drinking period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash and shag bag (change of clothes). $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $15, Stickers $1, Patches $3 & $4, Socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course!

D'erections: FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it hits I-45 and exit 81 - FM 1488 Magnolia / Hempstead. Take the feeder to the bridge and look for the FM 1488 West sign that will take you under then over and around the freeway so you cross over it. Go straight for seven-ish miles. Pass Honea Egypt Road / FM 2978 and the La Quinta Inn and look for Wedgewood Drive on your right - just a regular small street. Drive alllll the way to the end of the street.

Sidenote: FROM THE HARES: Hey wankers and wenches! The next monkey is one not to miss! The 1st ever "Where Did KatchUp Get Off" trail is upon us! This glory-hole of a trail has shiggy, boobs, beer, shiggy, boobs, a scavenger hunt (with prizes), beer, and, against Spork's wishes, a runners trail option for you racist bastards, and beer. I know some of you are wasting time in bestiality land for Doggie Daze, butt if you are not, join us in all the glorious debauchery that is KatchUp and Get Off. Also... FRB gets their way with KatchUp for 20 minutes! All those that finish trail get to slap Off's ass (apparently?).

Well there you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
MasturGator's #: (936) 444-8591

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 91


When: Saturday, July 20th, 3:00pm!!!

Where: Cattail Park 
9323 Cochrans Crossing Drive
The Woodlands, TX 77381

Hare(s): Dr. Stinkfinger

Why: Because you like drinking period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash and shag bag (change of clothes). $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $15, Stickers $1, Patches $3 & $4, Socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course! BRING YOUR BATHING SUIT!

D'erections: FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or hardy Toll Road until it hits I-45 and exit 76B - Woodlands Parkway. Take Woodlands Parkway for about 6 miles then turn Right on Cochrans Crossing Drive. Go for about a mile and Cattail Park will be on your left.

Sidenote: Dr. Stinkfinger, in his awesomeness, will be haring this last minute because he loves the Monkeys and the Monkeys love him. Never been on a Dr. Stinkfinger trail before? This should be awesome... Expect the following: Shiggyyyyyyyyyyyy. Also, shiggyyyyyyyyyyyy. Also, water crossings, Poison Ivy (maybe, that shit be er'y'wherrr!), and general awesomeness. What should you expect at the end? A FUCKING POOL! Oh yes, the sweet, sweet pool at Chez Stinkfinger, this shall be glorious. Dr. Stinkfinger and his AWESOME wife will be doing a BBQ for everyone as well, no shit! You will be at their house so don't be an asshole. The backyard is huge, the pool is glorious, and the day shall be merry.

MAKE SURE TO BRING SUNSCREEN, BUG SPRAY, AND YOUR BATHING SUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well there you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
MasturGator's #: (936) 444-8591
0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Tuesday, July 02, 2013

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 90


When: Saturday, July 7th, 3:00pm!!!

Where:
Pundt Park
4129 Spring Creek Drive
Spring, TX 77373

Hare(s): Donnie The Retard and ESPN

Why: Because you like drinking period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash and shag bag (change of clothes). $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $15, Stickers $1, Patches $3 & $4, Socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course!

D'erections: FROM HOUSTON: Drive north on the Hardy Toll Road. Take the Aldine-Westfield Road exit toward East Louetta Road. Turn right onto Aldine Westfield Road, then left onto Spring Creek Drive. Continue Straight and Spring Creek turns into Deer Lake Trail and goes right, follow with. Take road winding to the left into the park, once you go in go straight and there is parking on the right. Look for sluts.

Sidenote: Donnie & ESPN have returned from the clutches of mini-ginger parenthood and mommy and daddy monkey have decided to hold a trail to take out all their parental aggression... you know, that anger that breeders get when they breed. We're talking 90% Shiggy, tons of water, poison ivy, the whole thing, people, so bring your big girl pants. Don't worry, it's under 10 miles. Ha. It is dog friendly, and there is not a walker's trail. I don't know if you have seen these assholes but they are in really good shape so unless you can take a beating I would not recommend this shit. It's gon' be 95° so make sure to drink some water before you come get drunk with all these other assholes. Bring a change of clothes and $$$ for on-after. Don't do that shit where you say "I can't make trail but I want to come to on-after." No! Bad! You earn this shit! Bad!

Well there you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
MasturGator's #: (936) 444-8591
0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Monday, June 17, 2013

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 89 - VOODOO MONKEY 3 HASH!


When: Saturday, June 22nd, 11:00am!!!

Where:
The park by City Hall... in fucking New Orleans! http://goo.gl/maps/SsebA

Hare(s): Cocktor Spork and MasturGator

Why: Because you like drinking period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag(change of clothes), $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $15), Stickers $1, Patches $3 & $4, thirst for beer of course.

D'erections:

FROM HOUSTON: Jump on I-10 East, go for about 345 miles. Take Exit 234B towards Poydras St / Superdome. Turn left on Lasalle Street, take first fight onto Perdido Street. BOOM.

FROM THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE HOTEL WHERE MOST OF US FUCK-UPS ARE STAYING: Head West on Gravier Street, go for a half mile, park is on your left right past Layola Avenue.

Sidenote: OK bitches, it's finally here. It is finally fucking here. Holy crap and balls, I cannot believe it is finally here!!!!!! This weekend, June 21st - 23rd, the Brass Monkey H3 and the VooDoo H3 sexually present to you, VooDoo Monkey 3: The Amazing Racist. We have over 150 people signed up from 25 fucking kennels for this thing, so hopefully we won't fuck it up. :) If you are signed up and rego'd, awesome, you did something right. Mazel Tov to you. The second part of this is if you want to do the 89th running of the Brass Monkey H3 then you need to get your ass up and to the park by 11:00am. This hash will lead right up to the day's VooDooMonkey festivities, so there you go. That's just convenient. Badda-bing, everything you need. Now pack all your cute little clothes and cute little shoes and put them in your cute little bag and print off your cute little $20 MegaBus ticket and drive your cute little hoopty to the cute little parking lot then get on the cute little bus and get you cute little ass here so we can PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well there you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
MasturGator's #: (936) 444-8591

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Tuesday, June 04, 2013

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 88 - EZ CHAIR'S BIRFDAY RUN!


When: Saturday, June 8, 3:00pm!!!

Where:
Mooseknuckles Bar
4307 Treaschwig Road
Spring, TX 77373

Hare(s): EZ Chair

Why: Because you like drinking period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag(change of clothes), $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $15), Stickers $1, Patches $3 & $4, thirst for beer of course.

D'erections: FROM HOUSTON: Head North on the Hardy Toll Road (or I-45 for you cheap bastards), exit FM 1960 / Cypress Creek Pkwy and turn right. Go for about a mile and turn left on Treaschwig Road. Go for about a mile and a half and the destination will be there. BOOM.

Sidenote: FROM EZ Chair: Trail will be full shiggy, not so much as .1 miles of pavement. Bring: a change of clothes. Wear your swimsuit on trail. Need shiggy socks and bring your favorite flotation device. Some devices will be provided. On after features good food, cheap beer and surly locals. Shiggy dog friendly.

Well there you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
MasturGator's #: (936) 444-8591

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Thursday, May 23, 2013

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 87



When: Saturday, May 25, 4:00pm!!! (*Note* Later time - it's gettin' HOT!)

Where:
Intersection of Hamblen Rd and Loop 494, Kingwood, TX
Approx: (30.031167, -95.255831)
See D'erections below!

Hare(s): Just Aaron, Just Darius, and Cocktor Spork

Why: Because you like drinking period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag(change of clothes), $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), Stickers $1, Patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D'erections: FROM THE WOODLANDS: Take the 45 South (Or Hardy Toll Road) to 1960 east to highway 59. Take 59 north and exit onto loop 494. Take 494 across the Bevil Jarrell Memorial Bridge and turn right on to Hamblen Road--immediately turn right again on to an unmarked paved road which leads to a parking lot under the bridge next to the river. If you did it right you will be parked under the bridge and on the north side of the river.

Sidenote: FROM Just Aaron: Good day Wankers and Wenches,

The next Brass Monkey run will be in Kingwood! "Why," you ask? Well I will feed you baby birds; because it is more convenient for me.

Butt weight! There's more! This next Brass Monkey run will be in celebration of Memorial Day. So where your red, white, and blue! Bring your summer gear and an appetite for beer and fun!

This run will have light to moderate shiggy, some pavement (boooooo), and plenty of beer.

Bring hash-cash, bugs pray, sunscreen, clothes to change into, and an appetite for beer!

Well there you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Just Aaron's #: (281) 608-0004
0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 85



When: Saturday, April 27th, 2013 at 3:00pm! (NOTE IT IS AT 3!)

Where:
Timberlakes/Timberridge Community Pool / Park
No REAL Address, closest is:
3457 Royal Oaks Dr, Spring, TX 77380

Hare(s): Fuckin' Tree Hugger

Why: Because you like drinking period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag(change of clothes), $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), Stickers $1, Patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D'erections: FROM HOUSTON: Go North on I-45 and exit 76B for Woodlands Parkway. LEFT on Panther Creek (the first one) just past Lake Woodlands (not the street, the actual freaking lake); Left on Glen Loch; RIGHT at Royal Oaks. ***Caution to the speed limit is only 25 and cops like to camp out along Glen Loch and catch people not noticing them.***


Sidenote: FROM THE HARE: Got the approval of Twinkle Toes as a solid trail. And there will be beer checks! 3pm start at the TL/TR Community Pool. Bug spray advised (duh, we're running in the woods near a creek), T.T. says he saw what might've been poison ivy (duh, woods in the Houston area), and for the pansies shiggy socks recommended (duh, it's a Brass Monkey trail).

Well there you heard it people, make it happen!

Fuckin' Tree Hugger's #: (713) 478-9701
MasturGator's #: (936) 444-8591

0n-0n BITCHES,
Cocktor Spork

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 83



When: Saturday, March 30th, 2013 at 2:00pm!

Where:
CVS Pharmacy
4516 Harrisburg Boulevard
Houston, TX

Hare(s): EZ-Chair

Why: Because you like drinking period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag(change of clothes), $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), Stickers $1, Patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D'erections: It's in fucking Houston. If you live in Houston, figure it out people.
From The Woodlands: Take I-45 South and exit 45A towards Scott Street. Turn left onto Scott Street. Turn Right onto Polk Street. Take 1st left onto Milby Street. Turn right onto Harrisburg Blvd. Boom.

Sidenote: FIRSTISHLY, Thank you to EZ-Chair for haring!
FROM THE HARE: Start location at CVS because mama has to pick up her prescriptions. Trail will have ghetto, shiggy, ghetto, 2 beer checks, one which will be in the shaded shiggy of your dreams and dog friendly (leashes required.) Since it is at a CVS parking lot, try to carpool so we don't have 10,000 cars taking up the whole lot.

FROM SPORK: This trail is super close to BBVA Compass Stadium where the Houston Dynamo will be playing that evening at 7:30pm. A good number of us are going and will be in Section 232. If you want to go with us or meet-up with us, fuck yeah. Do it. Let a Spork know. We always have a good time!

Spork's #: (832) 372-5133

0n-0n BITCHES,
Cocktor Spork

Monday, March 11, 2013

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 82 - "The 2nd Anal Green Dress Run"



When: Saturday, March 16, 2013

Where: Cross Track Ice House; 200 Magnolia St., Spring, TX 77373 (Old Town Spring)

Time: 2:00 PM

Hares: MasturGator & EZ-Chair

Bring: A slutty green dress, $5 for hash cash, shag bag, $$ for haberdashery, lube.

What to Expect:
·        Multiple beer/booze checks
·        A 2-5 mile trail that is dog friendly
·        Shiggy with possible shallow water crossings
·        Irish car bomb station with possible Irish Bus Bombs!
·        Multiple orgasms
·        Irish beer on trial
·        Gingers (Please keep on a leash when around civilians)

Some event haberdashery for sale at the event, and a dog friendly on after. 
The on after will be located in Old Town Spring. The hares have worked a deal out with the owner of a bar, who will allow brass monkey behavior and understands how “Special” we can get. The bar only has beer and wine but your cheap asses can bring in liquor and buy setups! There will be some slutty shots provided by your hares. Also, the owner has agreed to cook for the on after this year and sell us food like burgers and wieners. Not guaranteed to be veggie friendly.

I have some Brass Monkey 2nd Anal Green Dress T-Shirts & Patches that will be for sale at the event so bring money you cheap bastards.

Crash space will be made available for those who need it.

If you have any questions call MasturGator at 936-444-8591

THINGS TO KNOW: 

1. We will be doing a Friday Pre-Lube for the Green Dress. Probably Involving a Pub Crawl and possibly Spork’s mom.

2. If you’re staying the night Saturday, there will be a Prelube Saturday so plan on dropping your cars off and car pool to the event from the GatorSntach Motel.

3. The On-On after will be at the GatorSntach, bring your own everything. We will provide the bad influence.

4. The On-After will be at an Icehouse, bring money for beer. If you drink Liquor, bring a bottle and buy your setups there.

5. Where you going to Sleep? It will be a floor space kinda night I’m sure, but if you have a tent and want to have a place to bang, I would bring it and put it in my back yard.

Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
MasturGator's #: (936) 444-8591

0n-0n BITCHES!
Cocktor Spork

Friday, February 01, 2013


BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 79 - Our Third Analversary!!!

When: Saturday, February 2nd, 2013 at 2:00pm! 

Where: McDade Park,
FM 2854
Conroe, TX 77304

Hare(s): Cocktor Spork & Donnie The Retard

Why: Because you like drinking period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag(change of clothes), $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), Stickers $1, Patches $3, thirst for beer of course. 

D'erections: From downtown Houston head North on I-45 or the Hardy until it deadends into I-45. Take the exit for FM 2854 W / Old Montgomery Road and head west. Turn right onto Steve Owens Road. Take 1st right onto Gergory Road. McDade Park, BOOM!

Sidenote: FROM THE HARES!!!!! This will be the Brass Monkey hash's 3rd analversary run! We have been doing this shit for three years! Sorry it took so long to put the info out, but hey, here it is. :) Expect shiggy, lots of shiggy. Water? Maybe. Hobos? Maybe... it's Conroe, they're probably ex-cops. Not a super long trail, but it is our analversary so plan on FUN. You can try to call me tomorrow but I will be out laying trail so meh. You can try to call Donnie but he doesn't answer his phone so good luck. Bring a change of clothes and $$$ for the on-after.

Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Donnie's #: (832) 257-7052

0n-0n BITCHES,
Cocktor Spork

Monday, January 14, 2013


BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 78

When: Saturday, January 19th, 2012 at 2:00pm!

Where: 16735 Fallen Timbers Drive
Conroe, TX 77385 (Not really Conroe, it's North Woodlands.)

Hare(s): KatchUp & Just Chelsea (VIRGIN HARE!)

Why: Because you like drinking period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag(change of clothes), $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), Stickers $1, Patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D'erections: From downtown Houston head North on I-45 or the Hardy until it deadends into I-45. Take exit 79A for College Park Drive/Needham Road/TX 242. Turn right onto TX242 and go got like a mile and a half and turn left onto Glen Eagle Drive North. Turn right onto Bobolink Drive. Turn left onto Fallen Timbers Drive. Look for parking around the corner of Fallen Timbers Drive and Woodhallow Drive.

Sidenote: FROM THE HARES!!!!! Dog Friendly. Plenty of Shiggy and expect "possible water crossings”. Car back is quick and easy should be no problem. Circle will be under a bridge so if it’s raining there will be cover, if it’s cold I have some logs that we can make a fire. Bring warm clothes for circle and on-after. I, Spork, will be in New Orleans with Donnie the Retard as well as a good group of hashers so do not call me for info, call the KatchUp below. Also, it is a VIRGIN hare *cough cough* make it happen people.

KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n BITCHES,
COCKTOR SPORK!

Friday, January 04, 2013


FIRSTISHLY: BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 77

This will be a joint Brass Monkey and Galveston Run. Here are the details:

When: Saturday, January 5th, 2013 at 2:00pm!

Where: 1400 Riggs St, Baytown, TX
That’s right, BAYTOWN! Not The Woodlands, not Houston, freaking BAYTOWN!

Hare(s): Homodynamics

Why: Because you like drinking period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag(change of clothes), $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), Stickers $1, Patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D'erections: FROM THE WOODLANDS: Take I-45 or Hardy Toll Road to 610 East. 610 East to I-10. I-10 East to TX-330 Spur South (Baytown). Take to Texas 146 South towards La Porte. Take that to West Main Street / Main Street West. Turn left onto West Main Street. Turn left onto Oak Street. Turn left onto Riggs Street.

Sidenote
: (FROM THE HARE!) There will be shiggy, water crossings, bridges, a turkey/eagle split, dick checks, virgins, a virgin hare, and beer.

Wear shoes, a concealed weapon, and bring spare change for the hobos!


SPORK: (832) 372-5133