Friday, November 08, 2013

Brass Monkey Hash House Harriers 100th Hash Celebration: Hash & Formal

Brass Monkey Hash House Harriers 100th Hash Celebration
Hash & Formal

“Ladies” and “Gentlemen”, the time has arrived. The Brass Monkey Hash is celebrating its 100th run on Saturday, November 23rd! Holy shit, I can’t believe we made it this long. In February of 2010, the Brass Monkeys started with nothing but two houses across the street from each other, traditions from the Colorado Kimchi H3, and a ton of bad fucking ideas. Now, almost four years later, we are still here, and we have found a ton of fuckups to follow us, bringing their own bad decisions and sluttyness every other weekend to enjoy shiggy, beer, slut-juice, drunken circles, and epic on-afters. Now, as we celebrate 100 runs, we invite you to an all-day shitshow. What are we planning? Oh, quite a lot, but let’s start with the basics.

We will be starting with a shiggilicious trail in The Woodlands laid by a Brass Monkey founder and a Brass Monkey OG, Donnie The Retard and Twinkle Toes. In typical Donnie/Twinkle fashion, it will be hardcore shiggy. Not like “Oh look, it’s a puddle”, but like “Oh shit, I’m more fucking sore than Jenna Jameson was throughout her twenties.” This is going to have water, bushes, jesus thorns, and somehow twinkle always finds bamboo, so probably some of that shit, too. At least two, count ‘em TWO beer checks with assortments of delicious things like slut-juice or Malort, who the hell knows. Plan on three to five miles, wear shiggy socks, and plan to get d-i-r-t-y. After circle, we get clean. Not like “Come here, let me pee on your leg to help your Poison Ivy” clean, but like, “Here, let’s take a shower together so we can soap each other” clean. Trail will be at 12:00pm and as usual, it will be $5 and that can be paid in cash, Asian boys, or a Toblerone chocolate bar.

Once we are all cleaned up, we will be going out for our first ever Formal Monkey Event! Dress formal, people. Like the monopoly guy formal. Comb your hair, try to hide those bumps on your lips, and put on your finest suit, tux, gown, dress, or whatever you’ve got and join us for an evening in our private “ball”room at Cilantro’s Mexican Grill. We will enjoy food, drink, and an establishment with a full bar. Awards, stories of the first hundred runs, and general brouhaha’ing will ensue. For this event, the cost will be $20 and that pays for your meal, a badass Special Edition Brass Monkey 100th Patch, the night’s entertainment & awards, and the special surprise with all sorts of goodies that you’ll get to enjoy in circle! Drinks will be on your own because it’s a place with a full bar and awesome margaritas, we weren’t gonna be like “Here, have some keg beer, even though we just did circle and drank a lot of fucking beer.” You are going to drink what you want to drink. We will stay at this establishment until the time that it is deemed necessary to leave because we would rather leave than be kicked out. Commence impromptu pub-crawl. This is not going to be planned, because it will just happen. We will find some bar that we think sounds great at the time within walking distance and walk in looking badass. This will go as long as we want it to, but it’s Saturday night, so something will be going on.

Most of you will be way too drunk to go home, so plan on staying in The Woodlands. Suggested lodging is the Motel 8 Resort & Spa located only a block away from Papa’s Ice House, where we will most likely end up because they love us and we love them… and we’ll still be dressed amazingly. It is totally feasible we will end up at Papa’s because it is walking distance (less than a ½ mile) from Cilantro’s. For the motel, I just looked online and it is only $50 for the night. $50 freaking dollars. If you call, you might even get a better rate. Room up with three other people, that’s like $15 or less a person. Holy hell, people, come on, why would you want to sleep on a floor when you can have a bed and your own damn shower. Plus, if you get a room, you have somewhere to clean up after circle. Boom! Synergy, it all comes together. *Rotates fingers in a forward circular motion over each other* With rooms, who the hell knows what’s going to happen next. Drinking back at the rooms, getting dragged back to the rooms, helping put the eATMe hashers into their car so they aren’t passed out next to it, whatever it shall be.

To finish it off, it would not be a real Brass Monkey unless you woke up Sunday morning super hung-over and felt like death. Time for… FROZEN SCREWDRIVERS! Sunday morning Brunch at Berryhill Baja Grill for the win! Get some food and hydration and recover yourself so you can move on to whatever you need to get to. The H4 that day will be hared by Geek and Little Pussy, per the H4 calendar, so you can probably bet on another trail that is going to kick your ass.

This brings us to the end of Monkeytime. We will sing that song that the little kids sing when they go to bed in The Sound of Music and be go home. We love you, but come on, go the hell home. We’ve been together like 24 hours already. See you all at the 100TH!

***Since there is food and such involved, we need to know if you are coming for SURE no later than Wednesday, November 20th! You must RSVP on the FB page or let us know for sure otherwise.***

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Start Location for the Hash at 12:00:
High Oaks Park
13100 Sawmill Rd.
(Street parking at Dead end of Sawmill)
The Woodlands, TX 77380  

Brass Monkey Formal Event at 5:00pm:
Cilantro’s Mexican Grill
314 Sawdust Road
The Woodlands, TX 77380

Recommended Lodging:
Super 8 Motel, Spa, and Resort
24903 Interstate 45
The Woodlands, TX 77380

Wednesday, November 06, 2013


When: Saturday, November 9th, 2:00pm!!!
***PRE-LUBE AT Lone Pint Brewery AT 12:30!***

Magnolia Ridge Blvd, Magnolia, TX 77354
**NOTE** Start point listed is for the PRE-LUBE, if you don't want to Pre-Lube, go to hell and follow the other one!

Hare(s): Heartache & Where Do You Get Off?

Why: Because you like drinking period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash and shag bag (change of clothes). $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $15, Stickers $1, Patches $3 & $4, Socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course!


FROM HOUSTON FOR PRE-LUBE: Take I-45 North to the Beltway and go West. Take 249 North and go all the way until it becomes FM 1774. Take FM 1774 until you hit RI Butler, then turn left. Turn right on Commerce Street. Also, you could just type "Lone Pint Brewery" into your damn phone and follow it.

FROM HOUSTON FOR TRAIL, NOT PRE-LUBE: take I-45 North to the Beltway and go West. Take 249 North and go all the way until it becomes FM 1774. Turn right onto FM 1488 East. Go until you hit Magnolia Ridge Blvd and turn right. Turn right again onto Magnolia Ridge Blvd. Then take 2nd left onto Magnolia Ridge Blvd. Boom.

Does it burn when you pee?
Do you suffer from insomnia?
Do your bones ache when the weather changes?
Do you constantly find yourself complaining about crap that actually doesn’t bother you but you nag anyway to keep up appearances?
Are you eskimo brothers with Mick Jagger?

If you answered any of these questions, well let’s face it, you had nothing better to do…which is why you should join us for the 99th running of the BRASS MONKEY HASH HOUSE HARRIERS! As we embark on our 99th run (only a few shy from the number of rings you would find if you cut Heartache in half to determine his true biological age).

This (almost) milestone of a trail is straight out of the viagara triangle as we celebrate beer, boobs, and geriatrics! Join us for 3-4 shigtastic miles through awesome backwoods Magnolia!


Questions, comments, concerns? Keep them to yourself…bah humbug! I mean “On-On”

Well there you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
MasturGator's #: (936) 444-8591

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork