Friday, August 10, 2018

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 223


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 223

When: Saturday, August 11th, at ***3:00pm!***

Where: Timber Lakes/Timber Ridge Pool-ish
3434 Royal Oaks Drive,
The Woodlands, TX
*Park along Timber Lakes Road. Look for assholes.

Hare: Homoglobin

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road to exit 73 for Rayford / Sawdust. Turn left onto Sawdust Road, and take it for like 4-ish lights, and SAWDUST TURNS LEFT. Like, going straight is another street, so yeah, turn left onto Sawdust at the Starbucks/Burger King intersection. You will then follow Sawdust the entire fucking way until it deadends. You'll go hard right, right, left, bam, fucking deadend. Turn right onto Glen Lock Drive. Turn left on Royal Oaks Drive. Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARE: 3-4 mile trail, water crossings, dog friendly! Nothing else spectacular besides shiggy one beer check.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Friday, July 27, 2018

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 222

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 222

When: Saturday, July 28th, at ***3:00pm!***

Where: Spring Creek Greenway Nature Center

1300 Riley Fuzzel Road, Spring, TX 77386

Hares: Aryan Sisterhood, Outside Cat, Twinkle Toes, and Croc of Shit

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take Hardy Toll Road North for like 20 miles then take the Riley Fuzzel Road exit.  Turn right onto Riley Fuzzel Road, then turn left into the park right there.  Bam.  Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: Yes it will be hot, yes it will be miserable, yes we’re being punished for our (ketchup’s) sins. But not Saturday God, Saturday we celebrate the suck. Outside Cat, Twinkle Toes, and Croc of Shit will do their best to make this a survivable trail. It’ll be less than 3 miles of shade, water, at least one beer check, and heat strokes. Come find out what bad habits Aryan Sisterhood has learned hashing in DFW.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 220 - Outside Cat & Penis First, Mouth Second's BIRFDAY Trail!



BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 220 - Outside Cat & Penis First, Mouth Second's BIRFDAY Trail!

When: Saturday, June 30th, at ***2:00pm!***

Where: Burroughs Park
9738 Hufsmith Road
Tomball, TX  77375

Hares: Penis First, Mouth Second & Outside Cat

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North to the Grand Parkway (TX-99) and go West, that's left.  Take that to Küykendahl Road and turn right.  Go until you hit Huffsmith, then turn left.  Park will be after the left curve.  Go to the back.  Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
Here we go people, Outside Cat & Penis First, Mouth Second have come together to celebrate their BIRFDAYs, and that can't be very good for either of them, so why should it be for the rest of us?  According to the hares this is going to be a LIVE trail!  You heard me right, people, LIVE, which we've only done like... twice?  Maybe?  At least one beer check.  They made it their goal to make you wet and bloody, so we'll see how well they do!  If you catch the hares, something may happen.  In their words, "You may regret catching us, but may the bold bring it on hard and learn a new reason to hate us." They said everyone should bring a DD, and expect a "YuccaLaid stand at finish"... whatever that means.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Saturday, June 09, 2018

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 219 - The 1st AИAL DILF Trail!



BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 219 - The 1st AИAL DILF Trail!

When: Saturday, June 16th, at ***2:00pm!***

Where: Jesse H. Jones Park & Nature Center
20634 Kenswick Drive
Humble, TX 77338

Hares: Ivanna Hairy ButtChug & Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-69 (yeah, said it) to FM 1960, then turn left onto 1st St E/FM1960 Business W/Humble Westfield Rd. Go like 1.5-ish miles and turn right onto Kenswick Drive. Go straight all the way until you go balls deep into the park. Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
Ladies & Gentlemen, cum one cum all, to the 1st AИAL DILF Trail! That’s right, unbeknownst to our hares, but knownst to us, this will be the first of many DILF trails in the cumming years! So, what can you expect? According to the lying hares, you can expect 3-4 miles of some solid shiggy, with at least one beer check! Dog friendly, as long as they can swim. Same goes for virgins. This is also Father’s Day weekend, so wear your best dad inspired gear and make us proud! Tacky fannypack? Got it! Terrible dad joke shirt? Yup, in the bag! Dad socks and plaid shirts? Yes, we all know Ivanna has those. So cum on out and beat the heat with your monkey family and a bunch of DILFs. DILFs pay only $5 hashcash, wow, can you believe it?! One day only, you heard it here!

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 218 - Spork Breaks In the Hashlettes


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 218 - Spork Breaks In the Hashlettes

When: Saturday, June 2nd, at ***2:00pm!*** 

Where: Bear Branch Sportsfields
5205 Research Forest Drive 
The Woodlands, TX 77381

Hares: Cocktor Spork, Just Brett, and Just (Virgin) Mary

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it dead-ends into I-45. Take exit 77 toward Lake Woodlands Dr/Research Forest Dr/Tamina Rd. Go to your first light, Research Forest drive, and turn left. Go 3 miles and the park will be on your left. *Note* There is a Skatepark directly across the street, it's not that one, it's the big ass one on the left. Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: The heat has arrived, the sun is scorching, and I sure as fuck don't want to be in the sun very long. So, you can expect lots of fuckin shiggy. Hopefully. You know what Google Maps doesn't show? Fences. What else can you expect? Some gaddam water crossings! After that? A beer check with water, beer, and some little freezy-pops! Whaaaaaaaattttttttttttt – game changa! Trail should be somewhere between 3 – 4 miles, with falses, b00b checks, dick checks, and all kinds of other marks Heartache will no doubt miss when he shows up an hour and a half late. Co-haring alongside me will be two Brass Monkey babies, brought to us as virgins, now on their way to being official couch-fuckers. They have willingfully – that means consented – decided to go into the deep dark woods with I, Cocktor Spork, to learn the true Brass Monkey ways of haring. Our little Just Brett and Just (Virgin) Mary will cum ready to learn bright and early this Saturday, where they will no doubt be inserted with knowledge, filled with understanding, and be erected to the level of Brass Monkey hares – you won’t want to miss it! 

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141


0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Wednesday, April 04, 2018

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 214 - BMH3 Invades the H4 Campout... Then Fucks Off.


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 214 - BMH3 Invades the H4 Campout... Then Fucks Off.

When: Saturday, April 7th, at ***2:00pm!***

Where: H4 Spring Campout!
7606 FM-2854, Conroe, TX 77304, United States
*If you are rego'd cool, if not you can pay $5 for the hash, then 0n-out after swinglow to 0n-After.

Hares: McPisser, Horsefli Drivebi, and Cocktor Spork

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Head North on I-45 all the way to Exit 87A toward FM2854/TX-105/Conroe. Merge onto the N Fwy service road and turn right on the loop to get to FM 2854 / Metcalf St / Old Montgomery Road. Turn right on Metcalf/FM 2854 and go west on FM 2854 for approx. 3 miles. Scott Lake is on the Left (south) just past the intersection with Loop 336.

The normal entrance to the site is 3.2 miles from the turn off of I-45 and the entrance for trailers, porta potties, ICP etc. is 2.7 miles from the junction. The entrances lead under the railroad tracks. Use the second entrance on the left and go under the railroad tracks. This will take you around the lake to the main camping area.

Sidenote:
FROM ONE OF THE HARES: So this weekend's trail was supposed to be laid by Homoglobin, but he had something come up in the muggle-world, so he'll be doing one later! So there I was, about to plan a trail, when McPisser comes up and says "Spork! I wanted to talk to you about the next Brass Monkey trail. It happens to be in Monkey territory during the Houston..." Then I said "YES!" without fully grasping the consequences or my actions. As I started to walk away, McPisser whispered "...and you can lay it with us..." Well shit. So yeah, there we are. What can you expect? Some fucking shiggy, that's for sure. What else? Probably more. If you are not rego'd for the campout, that's cool, you'll just pay your $5, do trail & circle, then be on your merry way. No drama. No "Ohhh, let me stay", just 0n-0ut to 0n-After. Plan on water crossings, at least one beer check, and some bad decisions.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Friday, March 23, 2018

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 213 - Like a (Hash) Virgin Trail


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 213 - Like a (Hash) Virgin Trail

When: Saturday, March 24th, at ***3:00pm!*** DAYLIGHT SAVINGS, BITCHES!

Where: Papa's Ice House
314 Pruitt Road
The Woodlands, TX 77380

Hare: Womb Raider

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it dead-ends into I-45. Take Exit 73, Rayford / Sawdust Road, then take that all the way to the first light (Rayford / Sawdust) and take the far left lane to loop under the freeway to go back North. Right past the Texaco is Pruitt Road, turn right. Go for a hot second and Papa's Ice House will be on your right. Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARE: I am feeling nostalgic. Trail will start where I lost my hash virginity to the Brass Monkey and started down this path of drunken ruin & debauchery. Yay!!! There will be BOOBS!!! There will be BEER!!! There will be DICKS!!! Expect 3-4 miles of shiggy and to get wet at two or more water crossings of yet to be determined depth (I don’t like to swim so you probably won’t drown). Trail should be dog friendly for experienced hash pups.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 212 - 7th AИAL Brass Monkey Green Dress!


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 212 - 7th AИAL Brass Monkey Green Dress!

When: Saturday, March 10th, at ***2:00pm!***

Where: Texas ENT Specialists
10857 Küykendahl Road
The Woodlands, TX 77382
***Park at the back corner along Flintridge Drive***

Hares: Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon & Ivanna Hairy ButtChug!

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North to Woodlands Parkway, or Hardy Toll Road until it dead-ends into I-45. Exit Woodlands Parkway and take that to Küykendahl Road and turn left. Right on Flightridge Drive, second driveway on the right. Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: It's that time of year, that time that getting slutty, drunk, and passing out is totally acceptable, nay - encouraged. No, not a funeral, but St. Patty's Day! Cum celebrate the 7th AИAL Brass Monkey Green Dress as Temple of Poon and Ivanna lay you a "fantastic" trail! Trail will be 4-5 miles with something for everyone: water crossings, shiggy, pavement, and obviously jesus thorns since it's a religious holiday. There will be THREE drink checks - not beer, but drinks - and some holiday thèmed antics and prizes, including a prize for BEST OUTFIT! You won't want to miss this spectacular shitshow and exceptional people watching event. Bring your A game, bring a green dress, and bring your damn sassy-ass style, because you might get a prize! Cum one, cum all, cum in green!

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Monday, February 19, 2018

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 211: Twinkle Toes' Birfday Campout & BMH3 8th Analversary!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 211: Twinkle Toes' Birfday Campout & BMH3 8th Analversary!

When: Saturday, February 24th, at ***2:00pm!***

Where: Big Woods Hunter Camps, Sam Houston National Forest
https://goo.gl/maps/BpH6pqRirWo
30.615562, -95.293890

Hare: Twinkle Toes

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston / The Woodlands:
Take I-45 North,
Take Exit 102 for Farm to Mkt Rd 1375
At the traffic circle, take the 1st exit onto FM 1375 E - 0.5 mi
Turn left onto TX-75 N - 0.1 mi
Turn right onto Gibbs St - 0.1 mi
Turn left onto FM 1375 E/Elmore St - 7.8 mi
Turn left onto Boswell Rd/Four Notch Rd - 0.7 mi
Turn right onto Forest Service Rd 200 - 4.3 mi
Turn right onto Forest Service Rd 207 - 1.9 mi
Turn left onto Forest Service Rd 202 - 2.1 mi
Campground will be on the left
https://goo.gl/maps/etniws4xbuq

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES:
Trail will be tough, expect 4-6 miles of shiggy with manned beer checks/bail points.

Bring your own everything campout!
The campground is totally primitive, no water, no toilets, just a place for your tent.
You need to bring :
Trashbag
camping gear
Latrine shovel
food AND water
booze for after circle beer runs out!
Firewood!

Do not bring:
Large Bowie knives for sticking "scary" black dogs.
Drama

Remember, this is a public campground, we may not have it entirely to ourselves, behave accordingly!

IT'S A CAMPOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Thursday, February 01, 2018

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 210: Womb Raider & Dresses With Wolves' 21st Analversary Trail!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 210: Womb Raider & Dresses With Wolves' 21st Analversary Trail!

When: Saturday, February 10th, at ***2:00pm!***

Where: Burroughs Park
9738 Hufsmith Road
Tomball, TX

Hares: Womb Raider & Dresses With Wolves

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 or Hardy Toll Rd North to TX-99 West to Küykendahl Road. Turn right/ north onto Küykendahl Road, and go for about 4 miles. Turn left onto Hufsmith Road and you'll run into the park. **Park in the FAR NORTHWEST SIDE of the park near the pavilion.**

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: Cum celebrate our legal drinking age analversary! Whoo-hoo! Another year without murdering each other! Trail will be 3-4 miles and a mix of runnable trails, shiggy and a touch of pavement. Water crossings are a possibility. There will be one beer check. Much like our early years together drinking Big Jug 40s for $1.25, beer check will include cheap malt liquor of the Dresses with Wolves variety. Don’t worry there will be good craft beer too. I’m also baking homemade cookies for circle.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 209

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 209

When: Saturday, January 27th, at ***2:00pm!***

Where: WG Jones State Park
(Southeast corner of FM 1488 and Jones Trail)
Conroe, TX 77384

Hares: Down Her Hatch and Just Tasha

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it dead ends into I-45. Take that to FM 1488 and exit then take it west. You will loop around and go over the freeway. Take that for a while and look for the State Forest entrance on your left on the corner of 1488 and Jones Trail. Carpool is best, the parking lot is a bit small.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: The trail is entitled "Conroe goes down (South)". Giggity.

Get ready for a shit fest of novice hares, but what we lack in experience, we'll make up for in enthusiasm, and craft beer.
There will be a big pot o' chili at the end as well as some satanic dancing and possibly b00bs. Come enjoy the beautiful weather before it gets back to fucking hot as hell, which is probably like a damn month away.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Friday, January 12, 2018

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 208

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 208

When: Saturday, January 13th, at ***2:00pm!***

Where: Hampton Pointe Blvd, Spring, TX  77389
(30.116302, -95.498367)! Neighborhood is currently being built so no exact address.

Hares: Penis First, Mouth Second & KatchUp

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road North to the Grand Parkway (TX-99) then go west - that means left. Take 99 to Gosling and exit, then head north - that means right. Go about two miles then turn right on Hampton Pointe Blvd. Go all the way until it dead-ends, look for assholes.

Sidenote:
It is 2018, so let's get this shit rolling! As KatchUp is no longer allowed to lay trails on his own, or spearhead them for that matter, his new husband and roommate Penis First, Mouth Second will be leading this wild safari through the woods of the greater Woodlands/Spring area with his little KatchUp packet riding on his coat tails. Unbeknownst to them but knownst to us, this will no doubt be a shit show, but I will surely make them drink their down downs in excess to the point that we put them in an über and send them to a random crackhouse... assuming we find circle.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork