Friday, June 23, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 194 - Penis First, Mouth Second's DIRTY 30 BIRFDAY TRAIL!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 194 - Penis First, Mouth Second's DIRTY 30 BIRFDAY TRAIL!

When: Saturday, July 1, at 3:00pm!

Where: Burroughs Park
9738 Hufsmith Road
Tomball, TX 77375

Hares: Penis First, Mouth Second & KatchUp

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 North to FM 2920 West / Spring Cypress Road, then turn left. Go for like 5 miles and turn right onto Kuykendahl Road. Go for another 5-ish miles and turn left onto Hufsmith Road. Go for like a mile and a half and it will wind you to the left, then turn Right into the park.
***park in the far northern lot by the lake and pavilions** don't worry about any parties, Ketchup will scare them away.

Sidenote:
OMG, it's finally happening! Is Cum-Puss pregnant again? No! Did KatchUp finally find a nice black woman to port him around under her arm? No! Did Twinkle Toes finally shave his beard, sell his furniture, and join the Jeep Corps? Nope! Penis First, Mouth Second is turning DIRTY 30! Not only that, he is finally stepping up and haring his very first trail!! He says KatchUp is going to co-hare with him, so hopefully he won't listen to anything he says and this will actually be a good trail - but we shall see! Plan on a three - four mile shiggy trail with at least one beer check! It’s Texas, so it may be 100°, it may be raining, so bring a change of clothes, bug spray, and maybe even some sun screen. Cum out and help us wish Penis First, Mouth Second goodbye to his 20s, and give him a solid hangover to welcome him into his 30s!

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004

Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

Thursday, June 15, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 193 - Red Light Special & Outside Cat's BIRFDAY TRAIL!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 193 - Red Light Special & Outside Cat's BIRFDAY TRAIL!

When: Saturday, June 17, at 3:00pm!

Where: Walmart Supercenter
1025 Sawdust Road
The Woodlands, TX 77380

Hares: Red Light Special & Outside Cat

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take Hardy Toll Rd N or I-45 N to exit 73 for Rayford Raod / Sawdust Road. Turn left at the light (Sawdust Road), and go past three lights. Sawdust will turn hard left at the Starbucks, past the Burger King, turn left with it. After you turn left onto Sawdust, you will veer right, and the Walmart will be on your left. Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and... mmmmmmm, boys. Sorry, where was I? Step right up for the one, the only RED LIGHT SPECIAL & OUTSIDE CAT BIRFDAY RUN! It's the time of year that you can expect something poorly laid that will probably not get you laid at all - but you might get scabies, or possibly ticks. You can expect a shiggy trail with at least ONE beer check! Plan for water crossings and grossness thanks to recent rain, so make sure to bring a change of clothes for circle and on-after! These hares have been scouting hard, er eScouting, one of them, so surely this trail will be in contention for best trail of the year!

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Wednesday, May 31, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 192 - The MF Trail

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 192 - The MF Trail

When: Saturday, June 3rd, at 3:00pm!

Where: Black Jack Lane, Magnolia, TX 77354

Hares: Womb Raider & Dr. Stinkfinger

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take Hardy Toll Rd N or I-45 N to exit 76B/ Woodlands Parkway. Woodlands Parkway to Branch Crossing Dr (~6.5 miles), LEFT at Branch Crossing Dr (~1 mile), LEFT at Red Bay Cir (~1 mile), RIGHT at Burr Oak Trace then RIGHT on Black Jack Ln. Look for hashers and park on side of Black Jack Ln.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: This is the MF trail, a shortened version of the MILF trail in name only. Dr Stinkfinger has scouted out a glorious 3.5 to 4.5 mile trail of lovely shiggy, thorns and water crossings. Trail is dog friendly. In typical Womb Raider style there will be at least one manned beer check with good craft beer. Expect some homemade baked goods for circle too.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 191 - The 5th Anal MILF Trail!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 191 - The 5th Anal MILF Trail!

When: Saturday, May 20th, at 3:00pm!

Where: ***George Mitchell Preserve / Rob Flemming Park***
AFTER 6000 Creekside Forest Drive
The Woodlands, TX 77389.
(NOT EXACT ADDRESS).

Hares: The Land of MILF & Honey, PMS, Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon, & Just Natasha

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 North to Woodlands Parkway going west for about 4 miles. Turn left at Gosling. Turn right at Creekside Forest. Go to the traffic circle (round-about) and take first right onto Creekside Forest Drive. George Mitchell Preserve trailhead is on the right and a large dirt parking lot next to that.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: Celebrate all MILFs and MILFs-to-be with the craziest shit show celebrating 5 years of the Brass Monkey MILF trail!. You can expect stages of life challenges during trail with beer and shots while our enjoying our shiggy trails. Don’t know what that means, well you got to cum to find out!

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Friday, May 05, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 190 - The Monkeys Invade Texas InterHash!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 190 - The Monkeys Invade Texas InterHash!

When: Texas InterHash Weekend! - Drinko de Mayo - Seventho de Mayo

Where: Sherwood Forest Faire, 1883 Old Hwy 20, McDade, TX 78650

Hare: A fuckton of people.

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: Your TXIH rego'd ass!... and probably a vessel!

D’erections: 
From Houston: Drive like two fucking hours west, boom.

Sidenote:
IT'S TEXAS FUCKING INTERHASH!!! That means it’s time to pack up, and roll out – and do some seedy shit along the way! If you’re rego’d for Texas InterHash, listen up!! If you’re not rego’d for TXIH, have fun… doing your…. I don’t know, whatever lame people do. 

Texas InterHash is being thrown by Huzzah H3, and it looks to be fucking amazing! Some things to remember:
• We are guests, so don’t be a prick.
• Thank your hosts, they did a ton of shit for you! 
• Clean up after your damn self

That about sums it up, so try not to be a fuckup! Or be a fuckup, but in a good way, like when you fart loudly on accident, but the time and place is perfect.

There will be a Brass Monkey RA’d circle on Saturday at some point – I could tell you what is on the schedule, but it isn’t laminated, so it really doesn’t count. That’s just science, kids.
Remember: YOU CAN ONLY DO THIS IF YOU ARE REGO’D FOR TEXAS INTERHASH. IF YOU ARE NOT REGO’D FOR TEXAS INTERHASH AND YOU TRY TO SHOW UP FOR THIS, WE WILL TRY TO MAKE A JOUSTING LANCE DISAPPEAR USING ONLY YOUR HELP!

So cum one, cum all, to TEXAS INTERHASH, and don’t be a prick!

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Wednesday, April 19, 2017

5th AИAL (and FINAL!) Brass Monkey IronHash: This is the End(s) AND BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 189!!

5th AИAL (and FINAL!) Brass Monkey IronHash: This is the End(s) AND BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 189!!

***Three Trails, Three Circles, One Horrible Hangover***

When: Saturday, April 22nd, at 7:00am! 


Where: Byrd Automotive 
2445 High Timbers Drive 
Spring, TX 77380. 

***PLEASE CARPOOL, ONLY 30 PARKING SPOTS AVAILABLE!***

***There are two parking lots at Byrd Automotive. The first one is just past the mail box. DO NOT park in that lot. You will know if you are in the wrong lot if you can see the front door and windows or anything that says "customer parking". We can't park there because they have customers who drop cars off on the weekend to be worked on, on Monday morning.
You may park in the second lot! It's just a few feet past the aforementioned first entrance. That parking lot goes back real far and there's plenty of room for everyone as long as we don't park like dumb-dumbs with Hummers.***

Hare(s): Dick Assley & Twinkle Toes. We think that’s it. If there is a trail missing, it’s KatchUp’s fault, though. 

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Cost: $5 PER hash & $5 for an Official IronHash patch and a FINISHER patch if you *actually* finish, so $20 for three hashes, three circles of down/down beer, snacky cakes, and patches! 

Bring: Hash Cash Shag bag (change of clothes). Inflatable flotation device, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, Stickers $1, Patches $3 & $4, Socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course! 
***BRING YOUR OWN DAMN LUNCH, WE'LL HAVE A COOLER!!!*** 
* * * * BRING AN INFLATABLE FLOTATION DEVICE!! Space is limited, make sure it fits in your hash bag.*****

SCHEDULE
7:00am: Arrive, bitches!
7:30am: Start cheering on the swimmers because they are in far better shape than any of us will ever be.
8:00am: Hares Away for Trail #1, get ready…
8:30am: Ready, Set, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ON TRAIL #1. LET THE IRONHASH MADNESS BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:00am: Finish Trail #1 & Circle.
11:00am: Hares Away for Trail #2 while the rest of you fucks are getting drunk.
11:30am: Up, up, and away, bitches - Trail #2 is afoot!
1:00pm: Finish Trail #2 & start eating your lunch while we wait for everyone to bring their lazy asses in.
***INTERMISSION AND REST TIME FOR THE SAD, WEAK SOULS. OH YEAH, AND BRING YOUR OWN DAMN LUNCH!!!!!***
3:00pm: Hares Away for Trail #3 while everyone else cries, eats, and drinks.
3:30pm: Anddddddddddddddddddd GO SPEEDRACER, GO GET ‘DEM HARES!!!
5:00pm: Finish Trail #3, Circle, and apply cream and oil to old people joints. And also enjoy joints. You should bring joints. They help.
6:00pm: cheer on the ironmen as they run the marathon and receive your finisher patch! 
7:00pm: YOU HAVE COMPLETED THE FIFTH AИAL BRASS MONKEY IRONHASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

D'erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it dead ends into I-45, then take Exit 76B for Woodlands Parkway. ***THERE IS GOING TO BE TRAFFIC FOR THIS, SO PLAN THE FUCK AHEAD!*** Continue on Woodlands Parkway until you hit Grogans Mill Road, then turn right. Turn left almost right away onto High Timbers Drive in the EAST SHORE area. We are not 100% sure what they will be blocking/diverting, so just use the address if it comes to it. Seriously though, plan ahead for traffic.

Sidenote: Ladies & Gents, it’s back, and after this year, this bitch is dead and gone! This 12 hour, three trail, three circle, several tears kind of day. Plan on hydrating your face off on Friday, because you will need it for Saturday. There will be live laid trails, there will be “games”, there will be shiggy and urban running, there might be MD 20/20, or something even worse. This day is great for those of you who like punishment, or if you feel like you have something to prove, like that you are a moron for doing this. 

Remember how year one we had slut juice and people lost hours in the day? So year two, Twinkle said we couldn’t do it and instead we just lost people? Then year three we brought it back - as well as brought some floods and terrible water crossings, so the awesome was-gonna-be-an-a-to-a turned into a this-is-the-worst-thing-ever-KatchUp-I-hate-you-so-much trail? For year four, we let the bimbos run this thing and the most we lost was a gay and a Mexican on the second water trail, then it started pouring as we left for the third and a bunch of us got stuck under a bridge with London Fag? Noone wants to get stuck under a bridge with London Fag. So now year five is here, and apparently Dick & Twinkle want another go at showing us how terrible life can be, and proving that they are the bestest IronHash hares EVAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! There were five spots on the finisher patch for five years, and now we’ve done it, so cum one, cum all, to this bitch’s final go!

So, to highlight the most important shit: (TL;DR):
∙Bring your own lunch!
∙Bring like three changes of clothes and a towel!
∙We are leaving at 8:30am SHARP, do not be late. Like seriously, if you have ever been on time for anything in your life, be on time for this. Plan on traffic for the IronMan, and give yourself time! Do not be that person who calls like "Oh, so sorry, can you wait for us? Traffic is sooooo bad." No! Bad!
∙HYDRATE! Drink water before, this will seriously drain you - it's gonna be fucking hot!
∙Figure out lodging. Plan on staying with other hashers, or at a hotel, or a brothel, or make other arrangements. Other arrangements does not mean assume you can stay with Spork and Twinkle. :P
∙Total cost for three trails, three circle, two patches, and transportation all around is $20. If you can't do all the trails, you suck. That's all.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY: The reason for this is event is to cheer on the actual IronMan attendees, people that actually bust their ass and do all this crazy shit. So yes, get drunk, be merry, have fun, but also don’t be a crazy asshole at the end of the day getting in trouble for chasing IronPeople down the street. Yes, I know, you are just excited for them and are trying to cheer, but you can cheer from the sidewalk holding your Zima and rubbing liniment oil on your joints.

ANY UPDATES CAN BE FOUND ON THE BRASS MONKEY FACEBOOK PAGE OR THE H4 CALENDAR AT WWW.H4.ORG!

Well there you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light’s #: (832) 484-9975
Twinkle Toes' #: (661) 342-1679
Dick Assley’s #: (214) 502-6501

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork                                                                       


Monday, April 03, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 188 - 101's BIRFDAY Trail!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 188 - 101's BIRFDAY Trail!

When: Saturday, April 8th, at 3:00pm! ***NOTE THE 3PM START TIME, WE HAVE DAYLIGHT NOW!***

Where: 7920 Willow Forest Dr, Tomball, TX 77375

Hare: 101 Donations

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: A fucking VESSEL to drink Homebrew Kölsch in circle, $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston:
Take I-45 North, exit Spring Stuebner, heading West. When you get to Kuykendahl, take a right heading North. When you get to Willow Forest Dr., take a left heading West. Park on the street next to Schultz Elementary.

Sidenote:
It's that time of year when you get to see an angry woman take out her worldly frustrations on all of us. No, I’m not talking about Chris Brown’s newest world tour, I’m talking about 101’s BIRFDAY trail! You can expect some terrrrrrible shiggy, like making you wet and bloody like an afternoon delight gone horribly wrong… (or right?) ... shiggy Expect at least ONE beer check, with more possible should we stumble upon a homeless guy’s Bud Light collection. P.S. Don’t steel Bud Light from the homeless, pretty sure it says not to in the bible – somewhere towards the back. More details to cum once the hare actually scouts and shit, but until then, SAVE THE DATE!

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork