Monday, March 20, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 187 - Mad as a March Hare Spring Equinox Celebration

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 187 - Mad as a March Hare Spring Equinox Celebration

When: Saturday, March 25th, at 3:00pm! ***NOTE THE 3PM START TIME, WE HAVE DAYLIGHT NOW!***

Where: Dirt parking lot on Old Riley Fuzzel Rd, Spring, TX 77386 - READ D'ERECTIONS BELOW!

Hare: Womb Raider

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston:
Take I-45 N to exit 70A 2920/E Louetta. Right on E Louetta to Aldine Westfield. Left on Aldine Westfield to Riley Fuzzel. Right on Riley Fuzzel.

OR

Hardy Toll Rd N to Riley Fuzzel. Right on Riley Fuzzel.
THEN go about ½ mile or so on Riley Fuzzel and hang a left onto OLD Riley Fuzzel. OLD Riley Fuzzel is the last road to the left before you get to the Grand Parkway underpass across from the entrance to the Spring Creek Greenway Nature Center on the right (WE ARE NOT STARTING AT THE NATURE CENTER). If you go past the Grand Parkway you went too far, turn around and try again. Go about ¼ mile to the dead end. Parking are on the right.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARE: Originally this was my B-day trail but that was almost a month ago and I’d just as soon forget I am half of 90. Instead let’s celebrate the Spring Equinox and party like a bunch of March Hares! To celebrate cum out for a 3-4 mile mostly Shiggy trail complete with briars patches, Jesus thorns and lovely burrs that have a way of getting stuck everywhere including your hair. Wear your shorts if you like to bleed. There will also be several chances to get wet on trail and one manned beer check of something better than the champagne of beer. Trail will be dog friendly for our hash pups. If I get in a baking mood there might be cookies or cupcakes for circle.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Wednesday, March 08, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 186 - 6th Anal Brass Monkey Green Dress!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 186 - 6th Anal Brass Monkey Green Dress!

When: Saturday, March 11th, at 2:00pm!

Where: In the parking lot behind Red Lobster in Humble. 20414 US-59, Humble, TX 77338

Hares: Red Light Special, Outside Cat, 101 Donations, Mighty Mighty Small Mouth, and maybe even Skeet Squad

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
59 or 1960 to go the shopping center on the opposite side Deerbrook Mall on 59. We will be in the Parking Lot lot behind the Red Lobster.... use the address above and input that shit into google maps. If you can't find it, you probably would have sucked at trail anyway. At this point, find a bar and drink your sorrows away.

Sidenote:
Did you see the Hares list? Like seriously. I don’t know what you expect me to be able to say here that is going to convince you this is a good idea or a bad idea, something that’s going to be so well laid that Jenna Jameson would give it props, or something so terrible you’ll feel like you just followed Moses through the desert for forty years. Wait. Was it Moses, or Heartache, I can’t remember. Either way, he got them to the Asians at the end, and all the wise-men joined hands and sang Frosty the Snowman. Good times.

Get your fabulous green dresses ASAP! And make sure it covers your dick, we will be in sight of muggles. Or at least wear shorts underneath.

MORE DETAILS TO CUM? (I don't know, this might be it, but it's so worth it)

Red Light's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 185 - Twinkle Toes' Birthday Trail & Brass Monkey 7th Analversary Campout!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 185 - Twinkle Toes' Birthday Trail & Brass Monkey 7th Analversary Campout!

When: Saturday, February 25th, trail at ***1:00pm!***
Feel free to show up early to setup camp before trail

Where: Big Woods Hunter Camps, Sam Houston National Forest
https://goo.gl/maps/BpH6pqRirWo
30.615562, -95.293890

Hares: Twinkle Toes & Super-Secret-Squirrel Co-Hare!

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston / The Woodlands:
Take I-45 North,
Take Exit 102 for Farm to Mkt Rd 1375
At the traffic circle, take the 1st exit onto FM 1375 E - 0.5 mi
Turn left onto TX-75 N - 0.1 mi
Turn right onto Gibbs St - 0.1 mi
Turn left onto FM 1375 E/Elmore St - 7.8 mi
Turn left onto Boswell Rd/Four Notch Rd - 0.7 mi
Turn right onto Forest Service Rd 200 - 4.3 mi
Turn right onto Forest Service Rd 207 - 1.9 mi
Turn left onto Forest Service Rd 202 - 2.1 mi
Campground will be on the left
https://goo.gl/maps/etniws4xbuq


Sidenote: FROM THE HARES:
Trail will be expeditionary style 6-7 miles of shiggy with manned beer checks/bail points.

Bring your own everything campout!
The campground is totally primitive, no water, no toilets, just a place for your tent.
You need to bring :
Trashbag
camping gear
Latrine shovel
food AND water
booze for after circle beer runs out!
Firewood!

Do not bring:
Large Bowie knives for sticking "scary" black dogs.
Drama


Remember, this is a public campground, we may not have it entirely to ourselves, behave accordingly!


IT'S A CAMPOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Tuesday, February 07, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 184

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 184

When: Saturday, February 11th, at ***2:00pm***

Where:
Timber Lakes Drive
Timber Lakes Timber Ridge Pool Area
The Woodlands, TX 77380
(30.138871, -95.493705)

Hares: Womb Raider and Just Joe

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 or Hardy Toll Road north and take Exit 73 for Rayford / Sawdust Road. Take the feeder to the light and turn left on Sawdust Road. Take Sawdust until it turns hard left at the Starbucks / CVS corner; if you go straight, it becomes Grogan's Mill Road, no, don't do that. Once you turn left, go on Sawdust and it will turn you hard right, keep going straight past Wal-Mart, past Valero, all the way until it dead ends. Once it dead ends onto Glen Lock Road, turn right. Go for like 4-5 streets, then turn left at the 4 way stop onto Royal Oaks Drive. Go to the end. Turn left onto Timber Lakes Drive and you’re there.

Sidenote:
Get ready for Womb Raider's first trail of the year!! This known racist will most likely take you running through Montgomery County at record paces, quenching her thrust for the sweat of the weak. This hare is known for: setting traps in the forest to catch and use people in her research, laying falses so long that they would kill the average person, and hairy men. Expect one or all of those things, plus at least one beer check, and most likely some shiggy!

FROM THE HARES: To celebrate our 20th anniversary all I asked Joe for was to co-hare this shitty trail with me. No really its true … I am that easy. Trail will be 3-4 miles and is dog friendly. Expect the usual shiggy, thorns and water crossings. There will be at least one beer check with good craft beer. For circle expect some baked goodies along with the usual orange food. Depending on how nostalgic I’m feeling I might even wear my wedding dress to circle so feel free to dress Goodwill formal.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Friday, January 27, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 183

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 183

When: Saturday, January 28th, at ***2:00pm*** 

Where: Backwoods Saloon
230 Lexington Court 
Conroe, TX 77385

Hares: Donnie the Retard & ESPN

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:

From Houston:
Travel North on I-45 or Hardy Toll Road until it runs into I-45 to Exit 81 for FM 1488. Take the feeder to 1488 EAST / Lexington, so the ramp all the way to the right on the feeder. Go over the train tracks, then turn left at the dead end. Go for like 30 seconds and the saloon will be on your left.

Sidenote: 
Prepare yourselves for a blast from the past, a trail not seen in many a year, something that not even the hippie horoscope people predicted, Donnie the Retard and ESPN are haring this fucking trail! Expect thick shiggy, water crossings, and serious regrets as you are about halfway in. There will be at least one beer check, and nothing else promised except ridicule. The weather this weekend is supposed to be in the 60°s, which means expect either a low of 30°, or a high of 80°. Because Texas.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Wednesday, January 11, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 182

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 182

When: Saturday, January 14th, at ***2:00pm*** NOTE THE TIME, SHIT GETS DARK EARLY NOW!

Where: Rob Flemming Park-ish
5972 Creekside Forest Drive 
The Woodlands, TX 77389-4943
(Dirt parking lot across from the park)

Hares: KatchUp, Donnie the Retard, & Nuthin' But Net

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:

From Houston:
Travel North on 45 or Hardy Toll Road north to 99 (Grand Parkway) West. That's left. Take that to Gosling Road, then go North. That's right. Go for about 3-ish miles, then turn left into Creekside Forest. Take the first right on the Traffic Circle, then look for assholes on the right in a dirt parking lot.

Sidenote: 
FROM THE HARES: Guess what my homies, it’s that time of year where KatchUp is allowed to lay a trail that always proves to be different from the last. This year however, there are two up and comers that will be Co-Haring as well. In no specific order they are Donnie the Retard and Nuthin’ But Net. That’s right people, three people that should not be laying a trail are laying a trail together *Round of Applause*. We promise to make this a shiggy trail to remember with definite water crossings.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Thursday, December 29, 2016

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 181 - The FUCK YOU 2016! Trail

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 181 - The FUCK YOU 2016! Trail

When: Saturday, December 31st, at ***2:00pm*** NOTE THE TIME, SHIT GETS DARK EARLY NOW!

WhereH-E-B (22618 Aldine Westfield Rd, Spring, TX)
22618 Aldine Westfield Rd, Spring TX 77373


Hares: Where Do You Get Off?! & Cocktor Spork

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From The Woodlands:
Travel South on 45 and exit 1960. Take that shit left to Treaschwig Rd. Take another left on Treaschwig and take that bitch to Aldine Westfield and bang a left. Keep driving until just PAST Cypress Island Drive. You'll see an unmarked road on your left across the street from the Library. If you end up by the HEB you went to fuckin far. Turn your jalopy around and look for the unmarked road on your right this time. Take that road into the parking lot which will be on your right.

From Houston:
Travel North on 45 and exit 1960. Make a right turn onto 1960 and ride that motherfucker until you hit Treaschwig Rd. turn yo' shit left onto Treaschwig and take that bitch to Aldine Westfield and bang a left. Keep driving until just PAST Cypress Island Drive. You'll see an unmarked road on your left across the street from the Library. If you end up by the HEB you went to fuckin far. Turn your jalopy around and look for the unmarked road on your right this time. Take that road into the parking lot which will be on your right.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: Honestly, we don't even know where to begin. This travesty of a year has claimed some great ones, it also has been clusterfucky in so many ways. What better way to celebrate this dumpster fire of year than to get REALLY drunk and puke at your NYE party, only to then get hauled off to the shower, where you can pass out and flood the host's house in an attempt to wash away the pain, shit, puke, etc. that is so representative of 2016? Trail will be roughly 3 miles through the shiggy. Probably have some water crossing on trail and an ending that is a well known homeless homosexual hangout. Wear shiggy socks, or don't we don't care if you elect to be a martyr this time. Bring bug spray or don't (we are rather despondent these days, don't judge us). So cum join us before crying into your lukewarm glass of Korbel Brut and ringing in the new year rocking back and forth to Poison's Every Rose Has its Thorn. Hash cash is $5. We have habadashery if you want/need it. There you have it folks...make it happen! On-On

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork