Wednesday, October 18, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 202 - Get Off's Birfday Run?

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 202 - Get Off's Birfday Run?

When: Saturday, October 21st, at 3:00pm!

Where: The Runaway Plate
28533 Springs Trails Ridge
Spring, TX 77386

Hare: Aryan Sisterhood

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: The I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road north to the Grand Parkway (99): If on I-45, take 99 itself, if on Hardy, take the Frontage Rd/Riley Fuzzel Rd, if on I-45, take 99 for a couple miles, then exit Grand Parkway Frontage Rd/Riley Fuzzel Rd. Take the feeder until your first street, Spring Trails Ridge, and it will be there on the corner to your right.

Sidenote:
So, many moons ago, Where Do You Get Off?! signed up to hare his birfday trail and this was the one, but now he is in a Honduran cigar making factory, barking orders at his sweatshop workers to increase productivity. Can't be helped. So Aryan Sisterhood, being all patriotic and fighting to keep American cigars at the top of the food chain, has decided to step up and hare this bitch. What can you expect? Let’s ask the hare!

FROM THE HARE: It's my 3rd haring in 6 trails so the deets are short and sweet. 5 miles of trails, bayous, creeks, and some WASPy suburban life.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Friday, October 06, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 201

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 201 - The Hash With A Hare...! Who Could It Be...? Its PUDDY TWAT!!! Yay!!!

When: Saturday, October 7th, at 3:00pm!

Where: Ponderosa Walking Park! No running allowed guys

Hares: Puddy Twat & KatchUp

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections: From the Houston general area. Get on I-45 N. Follow I-45 N to N Fwy Service Rd. Take exit 62 from I-45 N. Take Kuykendahl Rd to Woerner Rd. Then *POOF* like a human trying to find a place to be, you are there.

Sidenote:
So this was an impromptu trail that has been painstakingly planned out by two of the greatest minds this side south of Gators house. We can promise 3-4 miles of trail with somewhere between 1-4 beer checks. If you like water then you're in luck, it may rain that day. If you like having dogs on trail, then you're in luck because we may pass by a dog park and you can steal one. If you like anal rape with a hint of hardcore bondage, then you're in luck cause Puddy Twat will be at the end. Enjoy your time and please bring lube.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Friday, September 22, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 200 - Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect 200!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 200 - Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect 200 R*ns!

Where: Big Woods Hunter Camps, Sam Houston National Forest
https://goo.gl/maps/BpH6pqRirWo
30.615562, -95.293890

You poo flinging lot have finally done it! Frankly, we’re just as shocked as you are! We are days away from the Brass Monkey 200th Run!!!!

Let’s take a brief moment to reflect on the past 199 runs:

A handful of hospital visits
Only one of us got arrested
Four unexpected babies
A few breathalyzers
Spork’s couch
Not a single trail skipped
Twinkle yelled Scatter!!!!
Hurricane Just4Men
The rat in the dryer
4 automobile “incidents” on trial (Katchup's car, puddy twats prius, rednecks window, and Fernicator’s Van)
Cock moldings were made
Countless hangovers

Now let’s talk about the party!!!!

Let’s be honest, It’s been nuttier than squirrel shit lately but we’re not going to let that get in the way of this special day. We had grand plans of all these things we were going to do, but yeah, hurricanes, gays, Jews, kids, Puerto Ricans, they all got in the way. So what are we going to do? We’re gonna get fucking hammered and have a good time!

We’re going to be spending a night camping in hunters’ camps outside of Coldspring (the place Twinkle Toes did his expeditionary trail). Much like that weekend, it will be mostly BYOE. Your hash cash will go to circle beer and snacky cakes, but that’s it. Bring a cooler with shit. Bring a camp stove. Bring a tent. Bring all the things you would need to live in a hollowed out vagina for several day. If you don’t bring it with you, it won’t be there.

We do have some themes and one of Spork’s famous schedules to share with you.

First the event will be MONOPOLY MONKEY (for the not so creative...we’re passing go and collecting our 200th run). We will have some fun games and prizes as part of trail, we will have snacky cakes and BC/BN Beer.

Here’s a rough schedule:

FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 22, 2017

8:00PM until ???? Smutty Entrepornuers’ Magazine Evening Networker (S.E.M.E.N.)

Cum join us as we learn about the business of selling porno mags to minors and how to party so hard you get lost before dinner--and still have the bad idea of having your birthday party with us! We will be doing a pub crawl downtown and even have a party bus for those of you to reserve a spot in time to celebrate Entrepornuer's BARFDAY! Attire Goal: Someone complains to HR dress professionally slutty.

**SINCE WALKING IS FOR THE BIRDS AND RUNNING IS FOR THE RACISTS, WE’LL HAVE ACCESS TO A PARTY BUS FOR THE FIRST 20 OF YOU TO BUY A SEAT ON THE BUS**

Please get with Kathryn Kramer for further details, but for the impatient...Cost will be $35 paid to Land of Milf and Honey who will be reserving the bus. The bus will take us to the bars, and safely to crash space. The bus will have booze in it, “props” and even a jail cell (kinky, right???). Those of you not on the bus can still be on the pub crawl, but will have to walk with the rest of the peasants.

SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 23, 2017

8:00AM Wake up take advil and drink a glass of water or a sip from the beer bottle with the left handed cig floating in it.

8:06AM Think about having rubbing one out but fall asleep before you make any progress

1:30PM The Five Martini Lunch / Bloody Marython / Cinnamon Challenge / Three Penis Wine Tasting. This is the time for you to eat before you go on the shitshow of a trail. If you are planning on leaving after circle, this is even more important, because the beer checks may not be beer. It may start with an E and rhyme with Sheverclear. We’ll see.

For those of you truly dedicated, you can head on up early to pick out your favorite spot and setup camp. Commence afternoon drinks and prelube for the r*n. We’ll be there prelubing and having a gay old time.

3:00PM BMH3 R*N #200 The Official Monkey Business Trail

Spork and Get off present a themed trail! We want you to wear business attire on trail! Birthday Suits are worth more points than tuxedo tee shirts. Find a briefcase in Shigmata’s truck? Bring it on trail! Are you a stripper with a great ass? Perfect, wear your work attire. Maybe loose pieces on trail as you go along and whoever finds all the pieces at the end wins you. Or at least the parts of you that the clothing belonged to.

Don’t feel like wearing business attire to trail? Fuck it, dress as your favorite monopoly piece! Come as a car. Or a top hat. Or a plane. Or an old greedy Jew. Isn’t that one of the pieces? Don’t feel like doing that either? Fine fuck it twice--who are we tell you what to wear?

We’re planning a 3 mile shiggy trail; complete with whatever we can find to muddy those elbow pads and swell those shoulder pads. Bring bugspray, sunscreen, thirst for beer, and hash cash!

6:00PM Cock, Tails, and Party

Now that you are done with a rigorous day, we’re going to go drink a few too many and hang with our co-twerkers. We have some stupid games and some prizes to give away. Bring a camp chair, or something to sit on. (Giggity) Bring a bottle ‘o bad decisions and plan on making it to the bottom. (Giggity)

9:00PM Farewell to Red Light Special and Where do you get off!?!

These two breeders got married and decided they were too good for us. If we get them drunk enough they might miss their flight on Sunday and end up sticking around longer! Even if we don’t get them drunk, Get Off will probably want to stop for boots on the way to the airport, so plan on that, too. We’ll be hanging around the fire swapping stories and saying au revoir. Bring an item that reminds you of them and we’ll put it in a time capsule that we can store in Gator’s mom.

SUNDAY SEPTEMBER 24, 2017

9:07AM Wake up wondering where your clothes are, who or what shit in your mouth, why the tent is open, and whether or not that dead frog was in your tent before or after last night. Clean up your fucking mess, make it look like we were never there, then go the fuck home.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Where Do You Get Off & Cocktor Spork


Friday, August 25, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 198 - Cocktor Spork's BIRFDAY Trail & Hurricane Mile!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 198 - Cocktor Spork's BIRFDAY Trail & Hurricane Mile!

When: Saturday, August 26th, at 2:00pm! ***NOTE THE UPDATED START TIME***

Where: Spork's Spooning Spectacularium
28 Painted Sunset
The Woodlands, TX 77380

Hares: Cocktor Spork

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Float north on I-45 or Hardy Toll Road until it dead ends into I-45. Exit 73 for Rayford/Sawdust road. Turn left. Go for a few lights until you get to where Sawdust turns hard left at the Burger King / Starbucks / CVS intersection. Follow that and turn at your second light, Sawmill Road. Turn left into your first subdivision, Sunset Springs - the street is Dreamweaver Circle. Go straight and look for 28 Painted Sunset on the corner of South Dreamweaver Circle and Pained Sunset. We'll be in the garage!

Sidenote:
Ok, so, fucking recalculating doesn’t even begin to describe the past 24 hours. Since Harvey, that piece of shit, has decided to come in and fuck with my birthday trail, we are going to tweak it, and enjoy this fucking rain. Naked rain dancing? Mehbeh. Splashing in puddles? You betcha. Attaching wire hangers to KatchUp? Most likely.

So, instead of laying a typical trail, we are having a BRASS MONKEY HURRICANE MILE! Now, I would like to have done this with actual Hurricanes, but apparently all the white people in The Woodlands are having hurricane parties, so all the mix and rum is gone. Fucking white people. So we will be doing a BEER mile, in the hurricane, with extra credit possible. I am still working out details, but plan on being wet, playing outside, and doing at least a mile of some kind of crazy shit.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Wednesday, August 09, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 197

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 197

When: Saturday, August 12th, at 3:00pm!

Where: Pundt Park
4129 Spring Creek Drive
Spring, TX 77373

Hares: CSI & Sucajawea

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road:


-From Hardy: Take Aldine-Westfield Rd exit toward East Louetta Rd. Turn right onto Aldine Westfield Rd, then Turn left onto Spring Creek Dr, Continue onto Deer Lake Trail, Continue onto Spring Creek Cir E, Turn right.

-From I-45: Take exit 68 toward Cypresswood Dr/Holzwarth Rd, Turn right onto E Cypresswood Dr, Turn left onto Aldine Westfield Rd, Turn right at the 1st cross street onto Spring Creek Dr, Continue onto Deer Lake Trail, Continue onto Spring Creek Cir E, Turn right.

Sidenote:
Come one, come all, for CSI's early BIRFDAY MEATFEST! Things to note: dog friendly. aiming for short, shiggy, moist experience. CSI's smoked meat for the pack's mouths will be available. Since it's Texas, expect something between 105° and hot as fuck, or pouring rain and 90° with a fuckton of humidity.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 196

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 196

When: Saturday, July 29, at 3:00pm!

Where: Lowe's Home Improvement Parking Lot
3052 College Park Drive
The Woodlands, TX 77384

Hares: Aryan Sisterhood & Croc of Shit

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it runs into I-45, and exit 79A for TX-242 W/College Park Drive; you'll have the option to pay for the toll bridge, or you can exit and just turn left for free. Take 242 west and the shopping center is on your right behind the Wal-Mart and such. Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: Cum one cum all to the 1st Fagassi-Sisterhood Trail. This trail's got it all, shiggy, water, and coeds!! It’s just like college if you went to a swampy state school full of rednecks (go Aggies). Expect 4-5 miles of everything North Woodlands has to offer. Any memories of similar trails can be entirely blamed on Croc of Shit and we fired that guy.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Tuesday, July 11, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 195

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 195

When: Saturday, July 15, at 3:00pm!

Where: Sundance Park
700 West Alden Bridge Drive
The Woodlands, TX 77382.

Hares: Dr. Stinkfinger & KatchUp

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it runs into I-45, and exit TX-242 W/College Park Drive; you'll have the option to pay for the toll bridge, or you can exit and just turn left for free. Take 242 west until you hit Green Bridge Drive, then turn left. Take that until it hits Research Forest Drive, then turn right. Take that ot Branch Crossing Drive, then turn left. Take that to South Alden Bridge Drive, and turn right. Boom, the park will be on your right.

Sidenote:
It's that time of year, Dr. Stinkfinger is laying his trail! However, this year, for some reason, he's decided he is going to bring KatchUp along for the ride. Will he teach him how to be a good hare? Will he teach him how to get a girl? Will he kill him? We will put out a poll for votes and go from there. Expect 3-4 miles shiggy and a POOL ending! Rule #1: You will be at someone's house, so don't be a prick. Bring a bathing suit and change of clothes, because you *cannot* go into the pool wearing your dirty trail clothes. Why? That would make you a prick. And remember rule #1? Yeah.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork