Tuesday, December 12, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 206 - Redneck Abortion & Mud in My Crick's BIRFDAY Trail!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 206 - Redneck Abortion & Mud in My Crick's BIRFDAY Trail!

When: Saturday, December 16th, at ***2:00pm!*** Note the start time due to daylight savings!***

Where: CHI St. Luke's Health
2255 E Mossy Oaks Rd, Spring, TX 77389
*Park away from the building in the parking lot closest to Mossy Oaks and Holsworth.*

Hares: Redneck Abortion & Mud in My Crick

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road North to the Grand Parkway / TX-99 ramp/feeder - you don't need to actually get on 99! Take it west (that's left), then turn right on Holzwarth Road. Will be on your right. Park away from the building in the parking lot closest to Mossy Oaks and Holsworth.

Sidenote:
This is the BIRFDAY run for both Redneck Abortion & Mud in My Crick. It's hard to imagine celebrating such a thing, but alas, here we are. According to the hares (and their lies), you can expect 3-4 miles of mostly shiggy with at least one beer check. Give the hares, you can also bet you are going to get dirty as much as possible in mud, water crossings, or general yuckyness - so bring a change of clothes!

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Wednesday, November 29, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 205

When: Saturday, December 2nd, at ***2:00pm!*** Note the start time due to daylight savings!***

Where: H.E.B
3875 W Davis St.
Conroe, TX 77304

Hares: Dumbsterbaitor, Womb Raider, and Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston/ Woodlands: Take I-45 North exit 87A FM 2854/TX-105/Conroe. Turn left onto TX-105/ W Davis St and go west for about 2 miles. Turn left onto TX-336 and HEB is on the right. Park on the North side near the McDonalds.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: Are you tired as hell of hashing in circles around either Womb or Aryan’s place? Does the thought of another on-after at Papas make you want to give yourself a lobotomy with a rusty nail and not update your tetanus shot? Maybe you just want to “try” to get Dumpsterbaitor, Womb Raider, and Indiana Bones drunk and slutty? Then you better cum up to Conroe and enjoy a virgin trail laid by three not so virgin hares. Trail will be a 4-5 miles mix of shiggy, water crossings and maybe a little pavement. We aren’t planning on taking you anywhere you might get shot but orange is a good color this time of year just in case … because Conroe. There will be one beer check with good beer. On-after at B-52 Brewery. Their delicious beer will get the taste of Lonestar or whatever out of your mouth after circle. We will be bringing snacks to the brewery and there will be food trucks also. Trail should be OK for experienced hash pups and on-after is dog friendly.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Thursday, November 16, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 204

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 204

When: Saturday, November 18th, at ***2:00pm!*** Note the start time due to daylight savings!***

Where: Spring Trails Visitor Center
2026 Spring Trails Bend
Spring, TX 77386

Hares: Aryan Sisterhood & Down Her Hatch

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: The I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road north; both of which you will take to TX-99, Grand Parkway.

If I-45: Take exit 70B toward Spring Stuebner/Rd-West, Turn right to merge onto TX-99, Exit onto Grand Parkway Frontage Rd/Riley Fuzzel Rd, Turn right onto Springs Trails Ridge, Turn right onto Spring Trails Bend.

If Hardy: Take the exit toward TX-99, Keep right at the fork and merge onto TX-99, Exit onto Grand Parkway Frontage Rd/Riley Fuzzel Rd, Turn right onto Springs Trails Ridge, Turn right onto Spring Trails Bend.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARE: Cum drink and be thankful this Saturday with your Brass Monkey Hash family before having to deal with your "real" families this Thanksgiving.  Down Her Hatch will get you wet and Aryan Sisterhood will get you dirty.  Expect 4 miles of shiggy and creeks, so bring a change of clothes so you aren't a disgusting piece of crap in circle.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork



Tuesday, October 31, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 203 - Homoglobin's Birfday Trail!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 203 - Homoglobin's Birfday Trail!

When: Saturday, November 4th, at 3:00pm!

Where: Lowe's Home Improvement
3052 College Park Drive
The Woodlands, TX  77384

Hare: Homoglobin

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: The I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road north; Hardy will dead end into I-45.  Take the exit for TX-242 / College Park Drive.  Once you get to the light, turn right.  Go under the freeway and go to your first street and turn right, Windsor Lakes Blvd.  Lowe's will be on your left.  Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARE: Start for my 21st birthday Brass Monkey hash! Is it 1995?? Nope! Start at the Lowe's home improvement store. Not life improvement. No one cares.😁  Start at 3pm. Trail is dog friendly, people friendly about 4 miles. Fuck you metric system. Good beer for the beer check. Your other standard hashing rules apply.  Cum one cum all!

Well, you all heard the man.  Not sure about you, but I heard it like a drunk uncle was screaming at me after one too many Long Inslands.  It was neat.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Wednesday, October 18, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 202 - Get Off's Birfday Run?

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 202 - Get Off's Birfday Run?

When: Saturday, October 21st, at 3:00pm!

Where: The Runaway Plate
28533 Springs Trails Ridge
Spring, TX 77386

Hare: Aryan Sisterhood

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: The I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road north to the Grand Parkway (99): If on I-45, take 99 itself, if on Hardy, take the Frontage Rd/Riley Fuzzel Rd, if on I-45, take 99 for a couple miles, then exit Grand Parkway Frontage Rd/Riley Fuzzel Rd. Take the feeder until your first street, Spring Trails Ridge, and it will be there on the corner to your right.

Sidenote:
So, many moons ago, Where Do You Get Off?! signed up to hare his birfday trail and this was the one, but now he is in a Honduran cigar making factory, barking orders at his sweatshop workers to increase productivity. Can't be helped. So Aryan Sisterhood, being all patriotic and fighting to keep American cigars at the top of the food chain, has decided to step up and hare this bitch. What can you expect? Let’s ask the hare!

FROM THE HARE: It's my 3rd haring in 6 trails so the deets are short and sweet. 5 miles of trails, bayous, creeks, and some WASPy suburban life.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Friday, October 06, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 201

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 201 - The Hash With A Hare...! Who Could It Be...? Its PUDDY TWAT!!! Yay!!!

When: Saturday, October 7th, at 3:00pm!

Where: Ponderosa Walking Park! No running allowed guys

Hares: Puddy Twat & KatchUp

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections: From the Houston general area. Get on I-45 N. Follow I-45 N to N Fwy Service Rd. Take exit 62 from I-45 N. Take Kuykendahl Rd to Woerner Rd. Then *POOF* like a human trying to find a place to be, you are there.

Sidenote:
So this was an impromptu trail that has been painstakingly planned out by two of the greatest minds this side south of Gators house. We can promise 3-4 miles of trail with somewhere between 1-4 beer checks. If you like water then you're in luck, it may rain that day. If you like having dogs on trail, then you're in luck because we may pass by a dog park and you can steal one. If you like anal rape with a hint of hardcore bondage, then you're in luck cause Puddy Twat will be at the end. Enjoy your time and please bring lube.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Friday, September 22, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 200 - Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect 200!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 200 - Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect 200 R*ns!

Where: Big Woods Hunter Camps, Sam Houston National Forest
https://goo.gl/maps/BpH6pqRirWo
30.615562, -95.293890

You poo flinging lot have finally done it! Frankly, we’re just as shocked as you are! We are days away from the Brass Monkey 200th Run!!!!

Let’s take a brief moment to reflect on the past 199 runs:

A handful of hospital visits
Only one of us got arrested
Four unexpected babies
A few breathalyzers
Spork’s couch
Not a single trail skipped
Twinkle yelled Scatter!!!!
Hurricane Just4Men
The rat in the dryer
4 automobile “incidents” on trial (Katchup's car, puddy twats prius, rednecks window, and Fernicator’s Van)
Cock moldings were made
Countless hangovers

Now let’s talk about the party!!!!

Let’s be honest, It’s been nuttier than squirrel shit lately but we’re not going to let that get in the way of this special day. We had grand plans of all these things we were going to do, but yeah, hurricanes, gays, Jews, kids, Puerto Ricans, they all got in the way. So what are we going to do? We’re gonna get fucking hammered and have a good time!

We’re going to be spending a night camping in hunters’ camps outside of Coldspring (the place Twinkle Toes did his expeditionary trail). Much like that weekend, it will be mostly BYOE. Your hash cash will go to circle beer and snacky cakes, but that’s it. Bring a cooler with shit. Bring a camp stove. Bring a tent. Bring all the things you would need to live in a hollowed out vagina for several day. If you don’t bring it with you, it won’t be there.

We do have some themes and one of Spork’s famous schedules to share with you.

First the event will be MONOPOLY MONKEY (for the not so creative...we’re passing go and collecting our 200th run). We will have some fun games and prizes as part of trail, we will have snacky cakes and BC/BN Beer.

Here’s a rough schedule:

FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 22, 2017

8:00PM until ???? Smutty Entrepornuers’ Magazine Evening Networker (S.E.M.E.N.)

Cum join us as we learn about the business of selling porno mags to minors and how to party so hard you get lost before dinner--and still have the bad idea of having your birthday party with us! We will be doing a pub crawl downtown and even have a party bus for those of you to reserve a spot in time to celebrate Entrepornuer's BARFDAY! Attire Goal: Someone complains to HR dress professionally slutty.

**SINCE WALKING IS FOR THE BIRDS AND RUNNING IS FOR THE RACISTS, WE’LL HAVE ACCESS TO A PARTY BUS FOR THE FIRST 20 OF YOU TO BUY A SEAT ON THE BUS**

Please get with Kathryn Kramer for further details, but for the impatient...Cost will be $35 paid to Land of Milf and Honey who will be reserving the bus. The bus will take us to the bars, and safely to crash space. The bus will have booze in it, “props” and even a jail cell (kinky, right???). Those of you not on the bus can still be on the pub crawl, but will have to walk with the rest of the peasants.

SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 23, 2017

8:00AM Wake up take advil and drink a glass of water or a sip from the beer bottle with the left handed cig floating in it.

8:06AM Think about having rubbing one out but fall asleep before you make any progress

1:30PM The Five Martini Lunch / Bloody Marython / Cinnamon Challenge / Three Penis Wine Tasting. This is the time for you to eat before you go on the shitshow of a trail. If you are planning on leaving after circle, this is even more important, because the beer checks may not be beer. It may start with an E and rhyme with Sheverclear. We’ll see.

For those of you truly dedicated, you can head on up early to pick out your favorite spot and setup camp. Commence afternoon drinks and prelube for the r*n. We’ll be there prelubing and having a gay old time.

3:00PM BMH3 R*N #200 The Official Monkey Business Trail

Spork and Get off present a themed trail! We want you to wear business attire on trail! Birthday Suits are worth more points than tuxedo tee shirts. Find a briefcase in Shigmata’s truck? Bring it on trail! Are you a stripper with a great ass? Perfect, wear your work attire. Maybe loose pieces on trail as you go along and whoever finds all the pieces at the end wins you. Or at least the parts of you that the clothing belonged to.

Don’t feel like wearing business attire to trail? Fuck it, dress as your favorite monopoly piece! Come as a car. Or a top hat. Or a plane. Or an old greedy Jew. Isn’t that one of the pieces? Don’t feel like doing that either? Fine fuck it twice--who are we tell you what to wear?

We’re planning a 3 mile shiggy trail; complete with whatever we can find to muddy those elbow pads and swell those shoulder pads. Bring bugspray, sunscreen, thirst for beer, and hash cash!

6:00PM Cock, Tails, and Party

Now that you are done with a rigorous day, we’re going to go drink a few too many and hang with our co-twerkers. We have some stupid games and some prizes to give away. Bring a camp chair, or something to sit on. (Giggity) Bring a bottle ‘o bad decisions and plan on making it to the bottom. (Giggity)

9:00PM Farewell to Red Light Special and Where do you get off!?!

These two breeders got married and decided they were too good for us. If we get them drunk enough they might miss their flight on Sunday and end up sticking around longer! Even if we don’t get them drunk, Get Off will probably want to stop for boots on the way to the airport, so plan on that, too. We’ll be hanging around the fire swapping stories and saying au revoir. Bring an item that reminds you of them and we’ll put it in a time capsule that we can store in Gator’s mom.

SUNDAY SEPTEMBER 24, 2017

9:07AM Wake up wondering where your clothes are, who or what shit in your mouth, why the tent is open, and whether or not that dead frog was in your tent before or after last night. Clean up your fucking mess, make it look like we were never there, then go the fuck home.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Where Do You Get Off & Cocktor Spork