Friday, September 23, 2016

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 174

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 174

When: Saturday, September 24th, at 3:15pm! ***NOTE THE TIME!!!*** Bar opens their gates at 3:00pm. Don't get there early,

Where: Eden's Landing, Spring TX.

Hares: Croc of Shit & Aryan Sisterhood

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Exit East Cypresswood Drive off of I-45 and Eden's Landing will be on your right in about 8 miles.

Sidenote:
This will be a virgin lay from Croc of Shit and Aryan Sisterhood, so be prepared. Be prepared for a terrible trail, terrible markings, horrendous beer, and probably some German death marches.

Using excitement and lube to lead the way, these two have been heavy scouting over the past few days, and think they have come up with something terrible enough that they could be considered seasoned hares.

Frontnote:

Yes this will be a virgin lay and an all virgin trail so you know circle is going to be good. GUILTY!!

Cocktor claims to have been helping out but it's been nothing but platitudes and cum ons. Is waking up to "The early bird gets the Cocktor" texts supposed to be encouraging?

We'll be kicking off from Eden's Landing in Spring. A dive bar with some grub for when we're done.

Hope to see your beautiful (my opinion) and ugly (your momma's) faces on Saturday.

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off?'s #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Thursday, September 08, 2016

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 173 - Cocktor Spork's BIRFDAY Trail!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 173 - Cocktor Spork's BIRFDAY Trail!

When: Saturday, September 10th, at 3:00pm! ***NOTE THE TIME!!!***

Where: 
H-E-B Spring Creek Market
3540 Rayford Road
Spring, TX 77386

Hares: Cocktor Spork & @ss Gagger

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road North to the Grand Parkway (99), and go East (right). Go for only like a mile or two, then exit onto Riley Fuzzel / 99 feeder road. Take this until you hit the HEB on your right, it is just past Discovery Creek Road, on the corner of 99 and Rayford.

Sidenote: 
FROM THE HARES: 

To the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies

Come listen to a story about a boy named Spork,
Who just hit 30 years but he doesn’t eat pork.
So instead he laid a trail for the people he’d call a friend,
And tried to get them killed before they hit the very end!

With a special co-hare by the name of @ss Gagger,
Who drove in just for this with her b00bs on a platter.
You should just expect a trail that was laid by some drunks,
Who got lost out scouting just following some hunks.

There’ll be water and some shiggy and maybe even snakes,
And it’ll be warm so don’t expect snow flakes.
Just plan on coming out to drink and do a trail,
Then afterwards some of us will smoke and inhale!

So I’ll see you all this weekend if you wanna get shitfaced,
Virgin ending spot so hopefully we won’t get raped.
I’ll keep you all away from schools by 50 yards,
So you don’t end up in jail getting molested by the guards!

Questions? Comments? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry).

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off?'s #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Tuesday, August 23, 2016

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 172

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 172

When: Saturday, August 27th, at 3:00pm! ***NOTE THE TIME!!!***

Where: 
George Mitchell Nature Preserve - Creekside Trailhead
(Rough Address)
6055 Creekside Forest Drive, The Woodlands, TX

Hares: Womb Raider & Just Allison

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 North to Exit 70B for Spring-Stubner / Road-West. Take Spring Stubner going west for about 4 miles. Turn right onto Gosling Road and go for about 4 miles. Turn left into Creekside Forest Drive / Subdivision. Huge entrance on the left that says The Woodlands. Go to the traffic circle (round-about) and take first right onto Creekside Forest Drive. George Mitchell Preserve trailhead is on the right and a large dirt parking lot next to that. Park at the Trailhead for George Mitchell Preserve after the round-about on the right. If parking is full there, park in the dirt parking lot to the right of the trailhead parking. ***WE ARE PUTTING ROB FLEMMING PARK AS WHERE BECAUSE IT IS CLOSE, THIS IS RIGHT DOWN THE STREET FROM THAT!** 

Sidenote: 
FROM THE HARES: As I am a lazy hare and prefer to only lay trails within a 5 mile radius of my house, trail will start at the George Mitchell Nature Preserve Creekside trailhead. It will be a 3-4 mile mix of mostly shiggy, a bit of runnable trail, and a bit of pavement. Since I have a secret not so secret desire to get you wet and make you bleed, there will be at least one water crossing, briars and thorns. With all the rain and rain to cum expect a glorious soggy muddy mess. Besides the usual snakes, spiders and deer you may also get to see a Ford pickup that is possibly more redneck than my Chevy. There will be at least one beer check with good craft beer. Trail is doggy friendly so bring your friends with wagging tails.

Questions? Comments? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry).

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off?'s #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Tuesday, August 09, 2016

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 171

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 171 – The Trail of Uncertainty!

When: Saturday, August 13th, at 3:00pm! ***NOTE THE TIME!!!***

Where: 
Jesse H. Jones Park & Nature Center
20634 Kenswick Dr, Humble, TX 77338

Hares: Where Do You Get Off? and KatchUp

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-69/59 North. Take the exit toward Bush Intercont'l Airport/Will Clayton Pkwy, then turn left on Will Clayton Prky. Go for a few then turn right onto Kenswick Drive, and go north. Take this all the way. When you enter the park you will go all the way to the last stop sign then take a LEFT. You will follow that all the way to the back of the park were the trail shall start.

Sidenote: 
FROM THE HARES: Cum one, cum all to the Trail of Uncertainty. Why uncertainty you may ask? Well that is because it is being hared by Where Do You Get Off? and KatchUp(The Uncertainty). Most of you who did KatchUp's last trail nearly died and/or were at least kicked out of the park before getting to do circle. So this time around Get Off will have one of those super awesome Monkey backpacks with a leash to keep KatchUp from going off and laying an Eagle trail of Death. What you can expect on this trail, Water crossings and a beer check. That's it, nothing else. The park we are starting at is unfortunately not dog friendly so DO NOT BRING YOUR CUTE DOG(s). 

Directions once you enter the park: 
When you enter the park you will go all the way to the last stop sign then take a LEFT. You will follow that all the way to the back of the park were the trail shall start.

Questions? Comments? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry).

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off?'s #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 170

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 170

When: Saturday, July 30th, at 4:00pm! ***NOTE THE TIME!!!***

Where: 
High Oaks Park
13100 Sawmill Rd.
(Street parking at Dead end of Sawmill)
The Woodlands, TX 77380 

Hares: Cocktor Spork, and at least one mystery hare!

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Head North on I-45 (or Hardy Toll Road until it dead ends into 45), take exit 73 (Rayford Rd./Sawdust Rd.). Turn left at your first light (Rayford/Sawdust) and go to the 4th light where Sawdust turns hard left past Burger King and before Starbucks. After turning left, go straight past first light and go to the second light, Sawmill Road, and turn left. Go allllll the way to the end, look for parking and hashers on the street. Don't park like a dick.

Sidenote: 
FROM THE HARES: Ladies & Gents, Boys and Girls, Castrated and other, I bring you the tiny-trail that could! Planned by Twinkle, hared by Spork (and a mystery slutty hare), this promises to be short, sweet, and light on diseases, which is more than can be said for some of the people we frequent with.

There will be at least one beer check, there will be water crossings, and depending on the rain, there may be a “Where’s a Jew to split the water” crossing. Bring a friend or two, and show them what hashing is all about! Expect shiggy, so wear your high socks, and expect to get dirty, so bring a change of clothes so we don’t have to smell your dirty ass in circle.

Cum beat the summer heat by drinking some cold beers with other likeminded people who also enjoy making fun of things they shouldn’t, hitting on people they shouldn’t, and trying to get through an event without getting breathalyzed! 

Questions? Comments? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry).

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off?'s #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Saturday, July 09, 2016

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 169 – The RA Gang-Bang!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 169 – The RA Gang-Bang!

When: Saturday, July 16th, at 4:00pm! ***NOTE THE TIME!!!***

Where:
Lazy River Road
Conroe, TX 77385
(30.208638, -95.402416)

Hares: Cocktor Spork, Where Do You Get Off?, and Donnie the Retard

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 North to exit 79A toward College Park Drive/Needham Road/TX-242. Take the feeder all the way to College Park Drive/Needham Road/TX-242, and turn right. Go for 2-3 miles, and look for a dirt road-ish turn off past a couple buildings, actual street name is Lazy Rover Road. Drive to the Cul-de-Sac at the end.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: Cum one, cum all, to a trail for the ages! Join Cocktor Spork, Where Do You Get Off?, and Donnie the Retard for a shiggy-tastic trail full of water crossings, thorns, and regrets, capped off by a circle led by all three hares! Make them drink, make them cry, make them remember a fuck ton of songs while simultaneously getting smashed!

Expect at least one beer check, some fucking hot weather, and some thorns that will make you bleed like you finally got to go on a date with “Jimmy-10-Inch” and find out why they call him “Jimmy-10-Inch”. It wasn’t because of his shoe size, let me assure you. It should be dog friendly, but there may be some pretty tough shit to get them through, so happy hunting if you decide to bring yours.

Since this is out 169th trail, expect some super-secret-surprises! Maybe we’ll throw it old school and bring some Manischewitz, maybe we’ll do a nod to our Kimchi roots and give people some herpes, maybe we’ll just hire a Harriette to hula-hoop while drinking a monkey and playing “The Cheese Stands Alone” on a mini-piano with her right foot.

Although the weather will be hot, expect us to bring some cold and refreshing things to the end to make it worth your while! Make sure to bring a change of clothes and such because you’re gonna be gross as hell when you’re done.

Questions? Comments? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry).

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off?'s #: (281) 608-0004
Donnie The Retard's #: (832) 257-7052
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Thursday, June 30, 2016

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 168 – Homoglobin's Second Anal Divorcersary Trail!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 168 – Homoglobin's Second Anal Divorcersary Trail!

When: Saturday, July 2nd, at 4:00pm!

Where:
Burroughs Park
9738 Hufsmith Road
Tomball, TX 77375

Hare: Homoglobin

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 North to FM 2920 West / Spring Cypress Road, then turn left. Go for like 5 miles and turn right onto Kuykendahl Road. Go for another 5-ish miles and turn left onto Hufsmith Road. Go for like a mile and a half and it will wind you to the left, then turn Right into the park.

Sidenote:
Ladies and Gentlemen, join the Brass Monkey for a steamy afternoon of ex-treme happiness for Homoglobin’s Second Anal Divorcersary Trail! Expect shiggy, and if this fucking rain keeps up, water crossings. Bring Alligator spray, and bug spray… only one of them will *really* help, but it least you’ll feel slightly better about yourself. Maybe. Expect at least one beer check, and expect to be fucking gross by the end of trail, so bring something to change into.

NOTES FROM THE HARE: there will be some Karbach and shitty beer for the beer check. 3.4 miles true trail. It just rained like a mother fucker so it will be muddy from time to time. The forecast looks good but hot so stay hydrated. On on!

Questions? Comments? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry).

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork