Wednesday, April 19, 2017

5th AИAL (and FINAL!) Brass Monkey IronHash: This is the End(s) AND BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 189!!

5th AИAL (and FINAL!) Brass Monkey IronHash: This is the End(s) AND BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 189!!

***Three Trails, Three Circles, One Horrible Hangover***

When: Saturday, April 22nd, at 7:00am! 


Where: Byrd Automotive 
2445 High Timbers Drive 
Spring, TX 77380. 

***PLEASE CARPOOL, ONLY 30 PARKING SPOTS AVAILABLE!***

***There are two parking lots at Byrd Automotive. The first one is just past the mail box. DO NOT park in that lot. You will know if you are in the wrong lot if you can see the front door and windows or anything that says "customer parking". We can't park there because they have customers who drop cars off on the weekend to be worked on, on Monday morning.
You may park in the second lot! It's just a few feet past the aforementioned first entrance. That parking lot goes back real far and there's plenty of room for everyone as long as we don't park like dumb-dumbs with Hummers.***

Hare(s): Dick Assley & Twinkle Toes. We think that’s it. If there is a trail missing, it’s KatchUp’s fault, though. 

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Cost: $5 PER hash & $5 for an Official IronHash patch and a FINISHER patch if you *actually* finish, so $20 for three hashes, three circles of down/down beer, snacky cakes, and patches! 

Bring: Hash Cash Shag bag (change of clothes). Inflatable flotation device, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, Stickers $1, Patches $3 & $4, Socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course! 
***BRING YOUR OWN DAMN LUNCH, WE'LL HAVE A COOLER!!!*** 
* * * * BRING AN INFLATABLE FLOTATION DEVICE!! Space is limited, make sure it fits in your hash bag.*****

SCHEDULE
7:00am: Arrive, bitches!
7:30am: Start cheering on the swimmers because they are in far better shape than any of us will ever be.
8:00am: Hares Away for Trail #1, get ready…
8:30am: Ready, Set, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ON TRAIL #1. LET THE IRONHASH MADNESS BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:00am: Finish Trail #1 & Circle.
11:00am: Hares Away for Trail #2 while the rest of you fucks are getting drunk.
11:30am: Up, up, and away, bitches - Trail #2 is afoot!
1:00pm: Finish Trail #2 & start eating your lunch while we wait for everyone to bring their lazy asses in.
***INTERMISSION AND REST TIME FOR THE SAD, WEAK SOULS. OH YEAH, AND BRING YOUR OWN DAMN LUNCH!!!!!***
3:00pm: Hares Away for Trail #3 while everyone else cries, eats, and drinks.
3:30pm: Anddddddddddddddddddd GO SPEEDRACER, GO GET ‘DEM HARES!!!
5:00pm: Finish Trail #3, Circle, and apply cream and oil to old people joints. And also enjoy joints. You should bring joints. They help.
6:00pm: cheer on the ironmen as they run the marathon and receive your finisher patch! 
7:00pm: YOU HAVE COMPLETED THE FIFTH AИAL BRASS MONKEY IRONHASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

D'erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it dead ends into I-45, then take Exit 76B for Woodlands Parkway. ***THERE IS GOING TO BE TRAFFIC FOR THIS, SO PLAN THE FUCK AHEAD!*** Continue on Woodlands Parkway until you hit Grogans Mill Road, then turn right. Turn left almost right away onto High Timbers Drive in the EAST SHORE area. We are not 100% sure what they will be blocking/diverting, so just use the address if it comes to it. Seriously though, plan ahead for traffic.

Sidenote: Ladies & Gents, it’s back, and after this year, this bitch is dead and gone! This 12 hour, three trail, three circle, several tears kind of day. Plan on hydrating your face off on Friday, because you will need it for Saturday. There will be live laid trails, there will be “games”, there will be shiggy and urban running, there might be MD 20/20, or something even worse. This day is great for those of you who like punishment, or if you feel like you have something to prove, like that you are a moron for doing this. 

Remember how year one we had slut juice and people lost hours in the day? So year two, Twinkle said we couldn’t do it and instead we just lost people? Then year three we brought it back - as well as brought some floods and terrible water crossings, so the awesome was-gonna-be-an-a-to-a turned into a this-is-the-worst-thing-ever-KatchUp-I-hate-you-so-much trail? For year four, we let the bimbos run this thing and the most we lost was a gay and a Mexican on the second water trail, then it started pouring as we left for the third and a bunch of us got stuck under a bridge with London Fag? Noone wants to get stuck under a bridge with London Fag. So now year five is here, and apparently Dick & Twinkle want another go at showing us how terrible life can be, and proving that they are the bestest IronHash hares EVAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! There were five spots on the finisher patch for five years, and now we’ve done it, so cum one, cum all, to this bitch’s final go!

So, to highlight the most important shit: (TL;DR):
∙Bring your own lunch!
∙Bring like three changes of clothes and a towel!
∙We are leaving at 8:30am SHARP, do not be late. Like seriously, if you have ever been on time for anything in your life, be on time for this. Plan on traffic for the IronMan, and give yourself time! Do not be that person who calls like "Oh, so sorry, can you wait for us? Traffic is sooooo bad." No! Bad!
∙HYDRATE! Drink water before, this will seriously drain you - it's gonna be fucking hot!
∙Figure out lodging. Plan on staying with other hashers, or at a hotel, or a brothel, or make other arrangements. Other arrangements does not mean assume you can stay with Spork and Twinkle. :P
∙Total cost for three trails, three circle, two patches, and transportation all around is $20. If you can't do all the trails, you suck. That's all.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY: The reason for this is event is to cheer on the actual IronMan attendees, people that actually bust their ass and do all this crazy shit. So yes, get drunk, be merry, have fun, but also don’t be a crazy asshole at the end of the day getting in trouble for chasing IronPeople down the street. Yes, I know, you are just excited for them and are trying to cheer, but you can cheer from the sidewalk holding your Zima and rubbing liniment oil on your joints.

ANY UPDATES CAN BE FOUND ON THE BRASS MONKEY FACEBOOK PAGE OR THE H4 CALENDAR AT WWW.H4.ORG!

Well there you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light’s #: (832) 484-9975
Twinkle Toes' #: (661) 342-1679
Dick Assley’s #: (214) 502-6501

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork                                                                       


Monday, April 03, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 188 - 101's BIRFDAY Trail!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 188 - 101's BIRFDAY Trail!

When: Saturday, April 8th, at 3:00pm! ***NOTE THE 3PM START TIME, WE HAVE DAYLIGHT NOW!***

Where: 7920 Willow Forest Dr, Tomball, TX 77375

Hare: 101 Donations

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: A fucking VESSEL to drink Homebrew Kölsch in circle, $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston:
Take I-45 North, exit Spring Stuebner, heading West. When you get to Kuykendahl, take a right heading North. When you get to Willow Forest Dr., take a left heading West. Park on the street next to Schultz Elementary.

Sidenote:
It's that time of year when you get to see an angry woman take out her worldly frustrations on all of us. No, I’m not talking about Chris Brown’s newest world tour, I’m talking about 101’s BIRFDAY trail! You can expect some terrrrrrible shiggy, like making you wet and bloody like an afternoon delight gone horribly wrong… (or right?) ... shiggy Expect at least ONE beer check, with more possible should we stumble upon a homeless guy’s Bud Light collection. P.S. Don’t steel Bud Light from the homeless, pretty sure it says not to in the bible – somewhere towards the back. More details to cum once the hare actually scouts and shit, but until then, SAVE THE DATE!

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Monday, March 20, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 187 - Mad as a March Hare Spring Equinox Celebration

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 187 - Mad as a March Hare Spring Equinox Celebration

When: Saturday, March 25th, at 3:00pm! ***NOTE THE 3PM START TIME, WE HAVE DAYLIGHT NOW!***

Where: Dirt parking lot on Old Riley Fuzzel Rd, Spring, TX 77386 - READ D'ERECTIONS BELOW!

Hare: Womb Raider

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston:
Take I-45 N to exit 70A 2920/E Louetta. Right on E Louetta to Aldine Westfield. Left on Aldine Westfield to Riley Fuzzel. Right on Riley Fuzzel.

OR

Hardy Toll Rd N to Riley Fuzzel. Right on Riley Fuzzel.
THEN go about ½ mile or so on Riley Fuzzel and hang a left onto OLD Riley Fuzzel. OLD Riley Fuzzel is the last road to the left before you get to the Grand Parkway underpass across from the entrance to the Spring Creek Greenway Nature Center on the right (WE ARE NOT STARTING AT THE NATURE CENTER). If you go past the Grand Parkway you went too far, turn around and try again. Go about ¼ mile to the dead end. Parking are on the right.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARE: Originally this was my B-day trail but that was almost a month ago and I’d just as soon forget I am half of 90. Instead let’s celebrate the Spring Equinox and party like a bunch of March Hares! To celebrate cum out for a 3-4 mile mostly Shiggy trail complete with briars patches, Jesus thorns and lovely burrs that have a way of getting stuck everywhere including your hair. Wear your shorts if you like to bleed. There will also be several chances to get wet on trail and one manned beer check of something better than the champagne of beer. Trail will be dog friendly for our hash pups. If I get in a baking mood there might be cookies or cupcakes for circle.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Wednesday, March 08, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 186 - 6th Anal Brass Monkey Green Dress!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 186 - 6th Anal Brass Monkey Green Dress!

When: Saturday, March 11th, at 2:00pm!

Where: In the parking lot behind Red Lobster in Humble. 20414 US-59, Humble, TX 77338

Hares: Red Light Special, Outside Cat, 101 Donations, Mighty Mighty Small Mouth, and maybe even Skeet Squad

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $20), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
59 or 1960 to go the shopping center on the opposite side Deerbrook Mall on 59. We will be in the Parking Lot lot behind the Red Lobster.... use the address above and input that shit into google maps. If you can't find it, you probably would have sucked at trail anyway. At this point, find a bar and drink your sorrows away.

Sidenote:
Did you see the Hares list? Like seriously. I don’t know what you expect me to be able to say here that is going to convince you this is a good idea or a bad idea, something that’s going to be so well laid that Jenna Jameson would give it props, or something so terrible you’ll feel like you just followed Moses through the desert for forty years. Wait. Was it Moses, or Heartache, I can’t remember. Either way, he got them to the Asians at the end, and all the wise-men joined hands and sang Frosty the Snowman. Good times.

Get your fabulous green dresses ASAP! And make sure it covers your dick, we will be in sight of muggles. Or at least wear shorts underneath.

MORE DETAILS TO CUM? (I don't know, this might be it, but it's so worth it)

Red Light's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 185 - Twinkle Toes' Birthday Trail & Brass Monkey 7th Analversary Campout!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 185 - Twinkle Toes' Birthday Trail & Brass Monkey 7th Analversary Campout!

When: Saturday, February 25th, trail at ***1:00pm!***
Feel free to show up early to setup camp before trail

Where: Big Woods Hunter Camps, Sam Houston National Forest
https://goo.gl/maps/BpH6pqRirWo
30.615562, -95.293890

Hares: Twinkle Toes & Super-Secret-Squirrel Co-Hare!

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston / The Woodlands:
Take I-45 North,
Take Exit 102 for Farm to Mkt Rd 1375
At the traffic circle, take the 1st exit onto FM 1375 E - 0.5 mi
Turn left onto TX-75 N - 0.1 mi
Turn right onto Gibbs St - 0.1 mi
Turn left onto FM 1375 E/Elmore St - 7.8 mi
Turn left onto Boswell Rd/Four Notch Rd - 0.7 mi
Turn right onto Forest Service Rd 200 - 4.3 mi
Turn right onto Forest Service Rd 207 - 1.9 mi
Turn left onto Forest Service Rd 202 - 2.1 mi
Campground will be on the left
https://goo.gl/maps/etniws4xbuq


Sidenote: FROM THE HARES:
Trail will be expeditionary style 6-7 miles of shiggy with manned beer checks/bail points.

Bring your own everything campout!
The campground is totally primitive, no water, no toilets, just a place for your tent.
You need to bring :
Trashbag
camping gear
Latrine shovel
food AND water
booze for after circle beer runs out!
Firewood!

Do not bring:
Large Bowie knives for sticking "scary" black dogs.
Drama


Remember, this is a public campground, we may not have it entirely to ourselves, behave accordingly!


IT'S A CAMPOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Tuesday, February 07, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 184

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 184

When: Saturday, February 11th, at ***2:00pm***

Where:
Timber Lakes Drive
Timber Lakes Timber Ridge Pool Area
The Woodlands, TX 77380
(30.138871, -95.493705)

Hares: Womb Raider and Just Joe

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 or Hardy Toll Road north and take Exit 73 for Rayford / Sawdust Road. Take the feeder to the light and turn left on Sawdust Road. Take Sawdust until it turns hard left at the Starbucks / CVS corner; if you go straight, it becomes Grogan's Mill Road, no, don't do that. Once you turn left, go on Sawdust and it will turn you hard right, keep going straight past Wal-Mart, past Valero, all the way until it dead ends. Once it dead ends onto Glen Lock Road, turn right. Go for like 4-5 streets, then turn left at the 4 way stop onto Royal Oaks Drive. Go to the end. Turn left onto Timber Lakes Drive and you’re there.

Sidenote:
Get ready for Womb Raider's first trail of the year!! This known racist will most likely take you running through Montgomery County at record paces, quenching her thrust for the sweat of the weak. This hare is known for: setting traps in the forest to catch and use people in her research, laying falses so long that they would kill the average person, and hairy men. Expect one or all of those things, plus at least one beer check, and most likely some shiggy!

FROM THE HARES: To celebrate our 20th anniversary all I asked Joe for was to co-hare this shitty trail with me. No really its true … I am that easy. Trail will be 3-4 miles and is dog friendly. Expect the usual shiggy, thorns and water crossings. There will be at least one beer check with good craft beer. For circle expect some baked goodies along with the usual orange food. Depending on how nostalgic I’m feeling I might even wear my wedding dress to circle so feel free to dress Goodwill formal.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Friday, January 27, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 183

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 183

When: Saturday, January 28th, at ***2:00pm*** 

Where: Backwoods Saloon
230 Lexington Court 
Conroe, TX 77385

Hares: Donnie the Retard & ESPN

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:

From Houston:
Travel North on I-45 or Hardy Toll Road until it runs into I-45 to Exit 81 for FM 1488. Take the feeder to 1488 EAST / Lexington, so the ramp all the way to the right on the feeder. Go over the train tracks, then turn left at the dead end. Go for like 30 seconds and the saloon will be on your left.

Sidenote: 
Prepare yourselves for a blast from the past, a trail not seen in many a year, something that not even the hippie horoscope people predicted, Donnie the Retard and ESPN are haring this fucking trail! Expect thick shiggy, water crossings, and serious regrets as you are about halfway in. There will be at least one beer check, and nothing else promised except ridicule. The weather this weekend is supposed to be in the 60°s, which means expect either a low of 30°, or a high of 80°. Because Texas.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork