Wednesday, February 15, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 185 - Twinkle Toes' Birthday Trail & Brass Monkey 7th Analversary Campout!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 185 - Twinkle Toes' Birthday Trail & Brass Monkey 7th Analversary Campout!

When: Saturday, February 25th, trail at ***1:00pm!***
Feel free to show up early to setup camp before trail

Where: Big Woods Hunter Camps, Sam Houston National Forest
https://goo.gl/maps/BpH6pqRirWo
30.615562, -95.293890

Hares: Twinkle Toes & Super-Secret-Squirrel Co-Hare!

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston / The Woodlands:
Take I-45 North,
Take Exit 102 for Farm to Mkt Rd 1375
At the traffic circle, take the 1st exit onto FM 1375 E - 0.5 mi
Turn left onto TX-75 N - 0.1 mi
Turn right onto Gibbs St - 0.1 mi
Turn left onto FM 1375 E/Elmore St - 7.8 mi
Turn left onto Boswell Rd/Four Notch Rd - 0.7 mi
Turn right onto Forest Service Rd 200 - 4.3 mi
Turn right onto Forest Service Rd 207 - 1.9 mi
Turn left onto Forest Service Rd 202 - 2.1 mi
Campground will be on the left
https://goo.gl/maps/etniws4xbuq


Sidenote: FROM THE HARES:
Trail will be expeditionary style 6-7 miles of shiggy with manned beer checks/bail points.

Bring your own everything campout!
The campground is totally primitive, no water, no toilets, just a place for your tent.
You need to bring :
Trashbag
camping gear
Latrine shovel
food AND water
booze for after circle beer runs out!
Firewood!

Do not bring:
Large Bowie knives for sticking "scary" black dogs.
Drama


Remember, this is a public campground, we may not have it entirely to ourselves, behave accordingly!


IT'S A CAMPOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Tuesday, February 07, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 184

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 184

When: Saturday, February 11th, at ***2:00pm***

Where:
Timber Lakes Drive
Timber Lakes Timber Ridge Pool Area
The Woodlands, TX 77380
(30.138871, -95.493705)

Hares: Womb Raider and Just Joe

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 or Hardy Toll Road north and take Exit 73 for Rayford / Sawdust Road. Take the feeder to the light and turn left on Sawdust Road. Take Sawdust until it turns hard left at the Starbucks / CVS corner; if you go straight, it becomes Grogan's Mill Road, no, don't do that. Once you turn left, go on Sawdust and it will turn you hard right, keep going straight past Wal-Mart, past Valero, all the way until it dead ends. Once it dead ends onto Glen Lock Road, turn right. Go for like 4-5 streets, then turn left at the 4 way stop onto Royal Oaks Drive. Go to the end. Turn left onto Timber Lakes Drive and you’re there.

Sidenote:
Get ready for Womb Raider's first trail of the year!! This known racist will most likely take you running through Montgomery County at record paces, quenching her thrust for the sweat of the weak. This hare is known for: setting traps in the forest to catch and use people in her research, laying falses so long that they would kill the average person, and hairy men. Expect one or all of those things, plus at least one beer check, and most likely some shiggy!

FROM THE HARES: To celebrate our 20th anniversary all I asked Joe for was to co-hare this shitty trail with me. No really its true … I am that easy. Trail will be 3-4 miles and is dog friendly. Expect the usual shiggy, thorns and water crossings. There will be at least one beer check with good craft beer. For circle expect some baked goodies along with the usual orange food. Depending on how nostalgic I’m feeling I might even wear my wedding dress to circle so feel free to dress Goodwill formal.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Friday, January 27, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 183

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 183

When: Saturday, January 28th, at ***2:00pm*** 

Where: Backwoods Saloon
230 Lexington Court 
Conroe, TX 77385

Hares: Donnie the Retard & ESPN

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:

From Houston:
Travel North on I-45 or Hardy Toll Road until it runs into I-45 to Exit 81 for FM 1488. Take the feeder to 1488 EAST / Lexington, so the ramp all the way to the right on the feeder. Go over the train tracks, then turn left at the dead end. Go for like 30 seconds and the saloon will be on your left.

Sidenote: 
Prepare yourselves for a blast from the past, a trail not seen in many a year, something that not even the hippie horoscope people predicted, Donnie the Retard and ESPN are haring this fucking trail! Expect thick shiggy, water crossings, and serious regrets as you are about halfway in. There will be at least one beer check, and nothing else promised except ridicule. The weather this weekend is supposed to be in the 60°s, which means expect either a low of 30°, or a high of 80°. Because Texas.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Wednesday, January 11, 2017

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 182

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 182

When: Saturday, January 14th, at ***2:00pm*** NOTE THE TIME, SHIT GETS DARK EARLY NOW!

Where: Rob Flemming Park-ish
5972 Creekside Forest Drive 
The Woodlands, TX 77389-4943
(Dirt parking lot across from the park)

Hares: KatchUp, Donnie the Retard, & Nuthin' But Net

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:

From Houston:
Travel North on 45 or Hardy Toll Road north to 99 (Grand Parkway) West. That's left. Take that to Gosling Road, then go North. That's right. Go for about 3-ish miles, then turn left into Creekside Forest. Take the first right on the Traffic Circle, then look for assholes on the right in a dirt parking lot.

Sidenote: 
FROM THE HARES: Guess what my homies, it’s that time of year where KatchUp is allowed to lay a trail that always proves to be different from the last. This year however, there are two up and comers that will be Co-Haring as well. In no specific order they are Donnie the Retard and Nuthin’ But Net. That’s right people, three people that should not be laying a trail are laying a trail together *Round of Applause*. We promise to make this a shiggy trail to remember with definite water crossings.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Thursday, December 29, 2016

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 181 - The FUCK YOU 2016! Trail

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 181 - The FUCK YOU 2016! Trail

When: Saturday, December 31st, at ***2:00pm*** NOTE THE TIME, SHIT GETS DARK EARLY NOW!

WhereH-E-B (22618 Aldine Westfield Rd, Spring, TX)
22618 Aldine Westfield Rd, Spring TX 77373


Hares: Where Do You Get Off?! & Cocktor Spork

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From The Woodlands:
Travel South on 45 and exit 1960. Take that shit left to Treaschwig Rd. Take another left on Treaschwig and take that bitch to Aldine Westfield and bang a left. Keep driving until just PAST Cypress Island Drive. You'll see an unmarked road on your left across the street from the Library. If you end up by the HEB you went to fuckin far. Turn your jalopy around and look for the unmarked road on your right this time. Take that road into the parking lot which will be on your right.

From Houston:
Travel North on 45 and exit 1960. Make a right turn onto 1960 and ride that motherfucker until you hit Treaschwig Rd. turn yo' shit left onto Treaschwig and take that bitch to Aldine Westfield and bang a left. Keep driving until just PAST Cypress Island Drive. You'll see an unmarked road on your left across the street from the Library. If you end up by the HEB you went to fuckin far. Turn your jalopy around and look for the unmarked road on your right this time. Take that road into the parking lot which will be on your right.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: Honestly, we don't even know where to begin. This travesty of a year has claimed some great ones, it also has been clusterfucky in so many ways. What better way to celebrate this dumpster fire of year than to get REALLY drunk and puke at your NYE party, only to then get hauled off to the shower, where you can pass out and flood the host's house in an attempt to wash away the pain, shit, puke, etc. that is so representative of 2016? Trail will be roughly 3 miles through the shiggy. Probably have some water crossing on trail and an ending that is a well known homeless homosexual hangout. Wear shiggy socks, or don't we don't care if you elect to be a martyr this time. Bring bug spray or don't (we are rather despondent these days, don't judge us). So cum join us before crying into your lukewarm glass of Korbel Brut and ringing in the new year rocking back and forth to Poison's Every Rose Has its Thorn. Hash cash is $5. We have habadashery if you want/need it. There you have it folks...make it happen! On-On

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

Thursday, December 08, 2016

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 180 - Redneck Abortion & Mud in My Crick's Birfday Trail!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 180 - Redneck Abortion & Mud in My Crick's Birfday Trail!

When: Saturday, December 17th, at ***2:00pm*** NOTE THE TIME, SHIT GETS DARK EARLY NOW!

Where: Redneck Abortion's Brick & Mortar Clinic
23507 Tree House Lane
Spring, TX 77373

Hares: Redneck Abortion & Mud In My Crick

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston:

VIA I-45N
I-45N to exit 68 toward Cypresswood Dr/Holzwarth Rd. Turn right onto E Cypresswood Dr, go two miles, then turn right onto Aldine Westfield Rd, go like a mile and a half.

VIA Hardy Toll Road
Take Hardy Toll Rd to Aldine Westfield Rd in Spring. Take the Aldine-Westfield Rd exit from Hardy Toll Rd. Turn right onto Aldine Westfield Rd, go 1 1/2 miles, then turn left onto Prairie Bird Dr, then turn right onto Tree House Ln.

Sidenote:

FROM THE HARES: Redneck Abortion and Mud in my Crick present a shitshow of an opportunity -- get lost in the middle of nowhere during the shitty December weather conditions! *YAY!!!*

You can expect 3-4 miles of Redneck's favorite, shiggy shiggy shiggy! There may and or may not be water crossings, depends on how much the hares love you during December. You will need to bring a warm change of clothes and a leash for your pooper. May be a bit of offroading for circle, so if you want to plan a carback, and you have a choice between a '97 Camery and a truck, go for the truck.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Where Do You Get Off's #: (281) 608-0004
Red Light Special's #: (832) 484-9975

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork


Thursday, December 01, 2016

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 179

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 179

When: Saturday, December 3rd, at ***2:00pm*** NOTE THE TIME, SHIT GETS DARK EARLY NOW!

Where: Imperial Valley Drive & Cypress Preserve,
Houston, TX (30°01'54.0"N 95°25'21.6"W)
*DIRECTIONS BELOW!*
*You can Google “Imperial Washateria”, it’s right down the street from it*

Hares: Womb Raider, Mouth Organ, and Cocktor Spork

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent, $$ for Haberdashery: T-shirts $20, stickers $1, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston:

VIA I-45N
I-45N to exit 66B Hollowtree St/Parramatta to north feeder. Follow north feeder, go over 1960 and just past Gilman Subaru then turn right on Cypress Preserve **GO AROUND ROAD CLOSED BARRICADE; A IS LANE OPEN** to second left hand turn onto Imperial Valley Dr.

VIA Hardy Toll Road
Hardy to FM 1960/Cypress Creek Parkway and merge onto 1960/Cypress Creek parkway. Take 1960 west and turn right in ~ 1 mile onto Cypress Slough/Cypress Preserve. **GO AROUND ROAD CLOSED BARRICADE BY THE TRAILER; A IS LANE OPEN** Follow Cypress Slough/Cypress Preserve then turn left onto Imperial Valley Dr in about 1 mile.

Sidenote:

FROM THE HARES: Cum one, cum all, for a Saturday of unforgettable escapades! Join Womb Raider, Mouth Organ, and Cocktor Spork for a trail through the unchartered, am off-road adventure where you are bound to find treasures and secrets beyond your wildest beliefs! Expect 3-ish miles of shiggy, water crossings, and bad decisions, with at least one beer check with whatever beers we can find in our combined fridges! IT will be dog friendly, but there may be some unexpected shit that you’ll have to help them through, but really, there are hashers we could say the same shit about, so yeah.

Bring a change of clothes, because you’ll be dirty when we’re done, and bring some warm shit for circle in case this state decides to finally reward us with something besides ball-dripping heat. So cum out and enjoy a beautiful Saturday with your monkey family, and try not to fuck it up!

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
Twinkle Toes' #: (661) 342-1679

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork