Wednesday, March 18, 2020

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 265 - Spork & Cum-Puss' Analversary Trail!


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 265 - Spork & Cum-Puss' Analversary Trail!

When: Saturday, March 21st, at 3:00pm! *NOTE DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME CHANGE*

Where: High Oaks Park
13100 Sawmill Road
The Woodlands, TX 77380

Hares: Cocktor Spork & Cum-Puss

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash (ELECTRONICALLY!) , shag bag, warm clothes, bug spray, PI repellent (if applicable), $$(ELECTRONICALLY!) for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road to I-45 and exit 73, Rayford Road / Sawdust Road. Turn left at the light onto Sawdust Road. Go like 4-5 lights to Sawmill Road, then turn left.  Go to the dead-end, loop around, and park next to the park on the street.

Sidenote (FROM THE HARE): In 2006, at a Goodwill store in Southern California, Cocktor Spork & Cum-Puss met, and knew they needed to start pounding.  And now, 14 years later, they are celebrating the fact that they still do, and don't yet hate each other!  Cum out and celebrate with a short, 2-4 mile-ish trail; trying to keep it on the lower end, but once I get into the shiggy who knows what can happen.  One beer check, all shiggy, space yourselves out accordingly.  Circle is going to be spread out, snacks will be individual, and we're only going to take ePayments.  Things are going to be different, but we're still going to be offensive - possibly even more so since we've all been pent up inside. 

Side Sidenote: Because of life and current events, please read through this shit and make sure you understand.  Do not come if you know you should not.  Seriously.

BEFORE THE HASH:

● If you have recently been traveling, if you’ve been in/around/near someone who may be contaminated, if you work in an industry where catching something could really fuck your world up, or if you – for any reason in your adult brain – think it might not be a good idea for you to cum, don’t. Please. Just don’t. Don’t ruin this for everyone.

● Stay as healthy as possible. I know it sounds stupid, but seriously: wash your hands, bathe regularly, don’t be gross. Ew.

AT THE HASH:

● We aren’t going to take paper money, or cash as the kids call it. You will only be able to pay electronically via PayPal, Zelle, or some other eShit like that. If you don’t have an account, cool, pay someone at the start who is okay with doing it for you. Less touching of things that others have touched the better. *Insert monkey laundering joke here*

● Snacks will only be what is available in the small individual bags, vending machine style. At this point, there could be nothing but off-brand Doritos left, we’ll see, but we will not be using the larger shareable snacky cake bags.

● We will not be sharing Monkeys. Fucking duh. We will have Monkeys, and we will have individual mini-OJs; (1) Monkey + (1) Mini-OJ = (1) Person’s Monkey. Since we don’t know how many of you will be there, depending on numbers not everyone may be able to get one. Sucks, I know. If you are worried about it, pull a Vagineer and bring your own.

● Social distancing. It’s a thing. Circle will be spread out to give everyone their own space. We are not a large enough kennel to have multiple trails or circles, so we will work with what we’ve got, but be as safe as possible while doing it.

● Since the antibodies to the Coronavirus are probably in the FRB helmet, and we wouldn’t want to deprive anyone of the chance to earn some health points, we’ll just fill it with a beer of the FRB’s choosing and they can take it to the dome. Otherwise, they can shotgun a beer. They are getting punished one way or the other.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Wednesday, March 04, 2020

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 264 - Womb Raider's Birfday Trail!


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 264 - Womb Raider's Birfday Trail!

When: Saturday, March 7th, at 2:00pm!

Where: **George Mitchell Preserve / Rob Fleming Park**
AFTER 6000 Creekside Forest Drive
The Woodlands, TX 77389.
(NOT EXACT ADDRESS).

Hares: Womb Raider

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag, warm clothes, bug spray, PI repellent (if applicable), $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 North to Woodlands Parkway going west for about 4 miles. Turn left at Gosling. Turn right at Creekside Forest. Go to the traffic circle (round-about) and take first right onto Creekside Forest Drive. George Mitchell Preserve trailhead is on the right and a large dirt parking lot next to that.

Sidenote (FROM THE HARE): It’s time to cum celebrate another year of my existence with a trail! Expect a pleasant jaunt through familiar territory punctuated with possible water crossings and at least one good beer check. Probably no shot checks because I’m old “now” and that shit gets dangerous. But hares lie so who knows. Trail will be at least 3 but less than 5 miles and should be pup friendly for our experienced hash hounds.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Friday, February 14, 2020

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 263 - BMH3 10 YEAR AИALVERSARY CAMPOUT!

10. Fucking. Years. Who the hell would have thought that was possible? No one. Not the people at the first one, not the gaggles of police officers we met along the way, and certainly not Papa’s Ice House – much to their chagrin. Yes, as we embark on a decade of bad decisions, interestingly “marked” trails, and literally thousands of Olde English bottles, we will do what we do best… lay a shiggytastic trail that will make you so cut up you’ll look like you just escaped from a multi-layered-shark-tooth vagina. Like there’s any other kind. We will be graced with the awesomeness of Twinkle Toes’ first trail hared following his return from a year abroad in the great white north of Minnesota! Twinkle Toes laid BMH3 Trail # 2 some 10 years ago, and knows what the fuck this kennel wants and what it actually deserves! Wear shiggy socks, long sleeves, and get ready for tick checks at the end. Trust me, I’m a Cocktor.

For our centcentennial, that’s a tenth of a centennial, we will be having a long and hard expeditionary trail on Saturday, followed by a circle that will no doubt look like a meeting of Neanderthals grunting at each other, followed by a campout! For this trail, hashcash will be $20 which will cover trail, circle beer, on-on-on beer, dinner, and a gimmie. Subject to change, because fuck you. That night, we will ALSO BE CAMPING OUT!!!!!!! That’s right, bring your tent and any other fucking thing you need to survive between Saturday night and Sunday morning because we’re not providing anything except what’s listed above. Which is subject to change, again because fuck you. It will be a very primitive campout. In Twinkle Toes’ words, “If you want the luxury of a garden hose for water, and high-end Porto's to shit in, go to TXIH! Otherwise grab a gallon of water, your shit shovel, formal attire, and head on over to big woods hunter camp.”

FRIDAY NIGHT:

You have three options on Friday night:

1. You can camp out AND BRING EVERY FUCKING THING YOU NEED BECAUSE IT’S BYO EVERY FUCKING THING YOU NEED.

2. You can go to the OFFICIAL BMH3 10TH AИALVERSARY FRIDAY NIGHT PRELUBE: Hawaiian Monkeys in the Mist, hared by Donnie the Retard!

3. You can stay the fuck home and judge everyone else from a far.

If you are 3, you can leave now. Kthxbi.

If you are camping out Friday night, try to take over the back/North section of the campsite, would be awesome if we can have that section to ourselves. It could be blocked off with a couple strategically placed cars and tents.

Now, for those of you who will be attending the OFFICIAL BMH3 10TH AИALVERSARY FRIDAY NIGHT PRELUBE: Hawaiian Monkeys in the Mist, listen up, because we have a “plan”. Subject to change because monkeys. The theme, obviously, is Hawaiian. Wear your Hawaiian shirts, dresses, leis, lays, whatever you’d like. Since we weren’t going to be tacky enough as the group of filthy bastard people that we are, we thought making us all match in Hawaiian garb would be the way to go. The plan is as follows:

7:00pm: Bar 1 – Rookies Sports Bar & Grill, 305 Sawdust Road, The Woodlands, TX 77380

8:00pm: Bar 2 – Martinis & More, 311 Sawdust Road, The Woodlands, TX 77380

9:00pm: Bar 3 – Barney's Billiard Saloon, 345 Sawdust Road, The Woodlands, TX 77380

10:00pm: Bar 4 – Molly’s Pub, 24905 I-45, The Woodlands, TX 77380

11:00pm: Bar 5 – Papa’s Ice House, 314 Pruitt Road, The Woodlands, TX 77380

The plan is to infiltrate, order one to two drinks, move the fuck on. Now, as I’m sure you notice, they are exactly one hour apart from each other. I would be fucking shocked if that shit actually happened, but we shall see. If you are late, park at/Uber to Bar 1, and just follow the trail of shame and lube up the strip center – the first three places are in the same parking lot, so we’ll be nearby.

Your hare for this illustrious Pub Crawl will be the one, the only, the original, Donnie the Retard! There will be no hash cash, and you sure as shit shouldn’t plan on driving at the end. Figure out a DD or download Uber, Lyft, or Grinder. I promise, at least one of those will get you a ride. Wear your Hawaiian shit and figure out your life before you get to the end. Oh, and don’t lose your fucking keys.

So, in summary, either prelube Friday night in The Woodlands, camp out Friday night at the campsite, or stay home because you suck. Look at that, you have options! Also, the campsite is public and open for anyone (like your mom), just a no-fee-offesason-hunter-camp in the woods. That means there may be others there, but the place is pretty big, and we’ve never had an issue in the years we’ve been here. The land is huge, and we will be in one quadrant of it. Look for assholes.

Saturday is trail. HashCash will be $20 and that covers beer for circle and thereafter until it runs out, dinner, and a gimmie. TRAIL WILL BE HEADING OUT AT 2:00PM. READ THAT AGAIN. TRAIL WILL BE HEADING OUT AT 2:00PM. That means you need to get to the campsite, set your shit up before trail/dark/drunkness, then be ready to leave the fucking campground to go hash at 2:00pm. Right after trail will be circle, and there won’t be time to set up your tent and shit. Now, on this trail there will be multiple beer checks with bail points, then an ending. Don’t get lost, wear bright clothes. Saturday night, it’s time to dress formal. Now, please note, THERE WILL BE DIRT EVERYWHERE, so something formal that can also get dirty, like most of our harriettes… and harriers, let’s be real. There will be some music… we think. And possibly an impromptu talent show… maybe. Again, we will have some beer, like some kegs (or excessive amounts of Eureka Heights) or something, but maybe also bring a little something something else for yourself for when the shit runs out, and to help you maintain that whiskey dick to keep you out of another child support payment.

That’s it. Bam. That’s everything! So cum one, cum all, cum celebrate 10 YEARS OF MONKEY MAYHEM!

What could go wrong?

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Friday, January 31, 2020

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 262 - It's All Downhill Up in Conroe


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 262 - It's All Downhill Up in Conroe

When: Saturday, February 8th, at 2:00pm!

Where: VIP Parking Area
Next Level Urgent Care Conroe
1246 North FM 3083 Road West
Conroe, TX 77304

Hares: Sorting Rack & Homoglobin

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag, warm clothes, bug spray, PI repellent (if applicable), $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 or the Hardy Toll Road until it deadends into I-45. Take exit 89 toward FM 3083/Teas Nursery Road. Use the left 2 lanes to turn left onto North FM 3083 Road West/Teas Road/Teas Nursery Road.  Go for about a half mile, and look for the start in a parking lot on the right just past Teas Nursery Road. Go to "VIP" Parking area.  Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
Ladies and Gents, come and join us for Sorting Rack's "Not So Dirty Thirty", as she turns 29 and still has no idea what real life is like.  They're so naïve and cute at that age.  But fear not, Homoglobin and all his wisdom will be co-haring with her, berating her the entire time about how her generation is ruining the world, laying plastic straws instead of flour from behind just to spite her.  Per the hares, trail is about 3-4 miles, expect shiggy, water crossings, and apparently "tight holes".  This better not be false advertising again, like that time with the boy scouts and the "half off" sale.  As usual, pack a change of clothes, and if you are bringing virgins, for the love of G tell them to cover their legs.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Tuesday, January 21, 2020

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 261 - Croc of Aryan Maybe Gets Us Killed


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 261 - Croc of Aryan Maybe Gets Us Killed

When: Saturday, January 25th, at 2:00pm!

Where: *Under a Creepy Bridge*
Riley Fuzzel Road
Spring, TX 77386
Google Maps: 4JMX+JR Porter, Texas
(30.134616, -95.350272)

Hares: Aryan Sisterhood and Croc of Shit

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag, warm clothes, bug spray, PI repellent (if applicable), $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 or the Hardy Toll Road to to 99 East, exit Townsen Blvd, and stay on the feeder until you reach a U-turn underpass. Park next to assholes. Becomes Early Light Court. Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARE:
Gather Round Shiggy Lovers it’s time for another croc of aryan’s specialty: fresh, homegrown, msg free shiggy. There will be less mosquitos (gotta leave room for the west side), there will be no hunters, there will be lots of holesum fun. Join us for a great trail with at least one beer check and circle beers provided by Eureka Heights Brewery.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Tuesday, January 07, 2020

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 260 - KatchUp's Birfday Trail!


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 260 - KatchUp's Birfday Trail!

When: Saturday, January 11th, at 2:00pm!

Where: *Look for deadend*
Pathfinders Pass
Spring, TX 77373
(30.0620592, -95.3679998)

Hares: KatchUp

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag, warm clothes, bug spray, PI repellent (if applicable), $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take Hardy Toll Road to Aldine Westfield Road or take I-45 to Cypresswood (exit 68) from I-45 N.  Take Cypresswood east to James C Leo Drive, then turn right.  Turn left right away onto Breckenridge Dale Lane, then Breckenridge Dale Lane turns right and becomes Early Light Court.  Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARE: (Circus Noises)
Step right up, step right up. Listen to my tale of wonder about a trail hopefully not ruined by rain and thunder. It is I KatchUp your hare to be, laying a 4-5 mile trail of shiggy, you'll see. You maybe curious if water crossings will be present, if not, the plethera of Boob and Dick checks will be most pleasant. Your four-legged friends are welcome to cum, the pools of water will be oh so much fun. Ill leave you with this, this one little fact, there will be two beer checks not accompanied by Pabst.

*KatchUp is then shot out of a cannon*

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

Wednesday, December 25, 2019

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 259 - Choker Stroker's Birfday Trail!


BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 259 - Choker Stroker's Birfday Trail!

When: Saturday, December 28th, at 2:00pm!

Where: Rob Fleming Recreation Center
6464 Creekside Forest Drive
The Woodlands, TX 77389

Hares: Choker Stroker

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag, warm clothes, bug spray, PI repellent (if applicable), $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy until it hits TX-99 (Grand Parkway), then go west - that means left.  Go for a bit, then take the Gosling Road exit and head north, that means right.  Take that, then turn left onto Creekside Forest Dr.  When you hit the traffic circle, take the first exit.  Go for a bit, then the Rec Center will be on your right.  Look for assholes.

Sidenote:
It's Choker's birthday, and you know what that means - he somehow lived through another year of the crazy shitshow he calls life.  In honor of said celebration, Choker will be haring his birfday trail for us fine folks!  You can expect 2-3 miles of shiggy, dog friendly, and because it's Texas, possible rain.  There will be some water crossings depending on rain between then and now, and anything awful about trail can probably be blamed on KatchUp, regardless of if he helps or comes to trail.  This will be our last trail of the year, you won't want to miss it!  Say goodbye to the teens and hello to the 20s, we'll see you there!

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork