BMH3 #400 – 5/24/2025: The Brass Monkey 400th
Trail!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When: Saturday, May 24, 2025 at
12:00pm!! (Yes, 12:00pm, we want to kill
you, but like, with daylight)
Where: Parking-Lake
at Springwoods Village Nature Preserve
4G3V+47, The Woodlands, TX 77389
30.102727, -95.456702
https://maps.app.goo.gl/xijjEVXFXmUnVrUg8
(Don’t navigate to the fucking
Cul-De-Sac. Look on the damn map. It’s at the dead end of Holzwarth Road. Don’t be dumb. Don’t call us from the Cul-De-Sac and be
like, “I don’t see cars.” Well duh, Brenda,
you are in the wrong place.
Hares:
- Cocktor Spork
- Twinkle Toes
- Womb Raider
- Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon
- Ivanna Hairy Buttchug
- KatchUp
Sidenote:
Ladies and gentlemen. Boys and girls. Guys, gals, and non-binary pals. It is here. We are one with it. After 15 years of bullshit hares, shiggy trails, smooth talking police, Olde English, and somehow only two arrests, the BRASS MONKEY 400TH TRAIL IS UPON US! That’s right, we have hashed every other Saturday since February 6, 2010, and now, on May 24, 2025, we will be at number 400. Nothing has broken us. Not wars, not Covid, not even when we tried to drink 40s with pulp. No, we have become stronger. Wiser. More disease resistant. So now, we present ourselves for your pleasure.
What can you expect? I thought you’d never ask.
On Saturday,
May 24th, at 12:00pm, you can expect the 400th trail of
all 400th trails. It will
include: six hares laying, five legs of trail, four beer checks, three flavors of Four Loko,
two counties, and one boat load of bad decisions. There will be shiggy, there will be water
crossings, there will be sketchy undersides of bridges, there will be homeless encampments,
there will be bougie neighborhoods, and there will be other things you can put
your penis into or your b00bs onto.
Since it’s our 400th, you can expect “400th” themed
things. Like what? Like FOUR(hundreth) LOKO. Like Brass Monkey 40(0th)s. Like FOUR beer checks. Like FOUR chances for you to bail from this
trail because you are too much of a bitch to finish it. The list goes on. Sort of.
There are only so many things that we can go 400 themed. It’s like when you try to arrange your CDs by
food, then once you put Meatloaf next to The Cranberries you run out of
ideas. In any case, moving on…
What do you
need to know? GET YOUR ASS THERE AT 12:00pm! Do the math.
If we have four beer checks, that means there are five parts of
trail. If there are five parts of trail,
that means there’s like, you know, a lot of trail. So we have to start early to make sure you
assholes don’t get lost in the dark.
Which reminds me, you should probably bring a headlamp just in
case. And maybe a flare gun. Make sure to hydrate! We live in a shitty climate, and it’s getting
shittier by the day. We’ve used up all
our nice weather days, so plan on being out on trail for a long time, so drink
some fucking water so we don’t have to airlift you out. Unless the paramedics are hot. Then we’re okay with it. So, what time does trail start? Say it with me… TrAiL sTaRtS aT tWeLvE o’ClOcK! Good job.
What
else? Well, KatchUp said you should bring
floaties. So, if you trust KatchUp, and he’s your lord and savior delivering you from all things evil, sure, why not, listen
to him. Otherwise, maybe don’t. Kool-Aid is red. His hair is red. Do the math, sheeple. The start/end is a big ass parking lot. If you want to bring a canopy, no one will
stop you. I mean, if you are going to
listen to KatchUp’s dumb ass idea and bring floaties, why not bring a fucking canopy,
too?
Also,
RSVP! We need to know how many of you
assholes are coming. There are things
like beer, and food, and beer, and snacks, and beer, and condoms, and beer, and
malt liquor, and beer, and, you know, other stuff. So RSVP!
And, as a SPECIAL treat, trail will only be 400 PENNIES! That’s right, what a discount, only 400
PENNIES! (Don’t bring pennies. We will make it hail on your face until you
look like a 14 year old battling acne scars.
Paper money or PayPal only). AND,
wait for this, AND, there will be a patch!
If you are awesome enough to do this entire damn trail, you will get the
patch for free! If you bail out and can’t
finish it, it will cost you le money.
How much? I don’t know, we’ll
see. More then $0.69 and less than
$6.90.
Also, where
are you going to stay? The super-classy-cannot-be-beat-just-don’t-use-a-UV-light-on-the-bedspreads
Super 8 right by the start is going for a whopping $62 bucks a night! Wow!
You can’t even get eggs for that kind of money. Book that shit up! Super 8 by Wyndham Spring / The Woodlands. Wow, just saying it out loud makes me feel klassy.
Anything else? I don’t know, probably. Like, make plans? Carpool with people? We live in a very large area. Like your mom’s ass. So if you carpool, you won’t be alone, and you can like, you know, drive with people. You can bond in the car. Sing songs. Braid each others hair. It’ll be like, super queer. Not in the gay way, but like in the 1950s “Oh, that’s so queer” way. The non-gay-gay way. #NoHomo
Andddddddd scene. YOU WON'T WANT TO MISS IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bring:
Trail clothes,
drive home clothes
400 pennies worth of hashcash (not in coin form, I’ll kill you)
WATER, IT IS Getting HOT!
Your fucking self and everything you need to survive a trail on your own.
Drinking vessels for Brass Monkeys at circle.
Why: Because you like drinking, period.
D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON:
Who do I look like, Spork? Oh wait, I am
Spork. Well, fuck you, I’m drunk, I gave
you like 37 ways to get to trail, fucking figure it out. Just don’t end up at the Cul-De-Sac,
dumbass.
Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)
Signal Group: https://signal.group/#CjQKIIalOA2myD7a6NUErlTmIA_iDCTrKoGL43hBJ7iRz17rEhBDput_QcfdV2rzWyvK5iZ6
Cocktor
Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141
0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork
