2025 BRASS MONKEY HOLIDAY PARTY!!!!
Jingle Bells, Your Mom Smells,
But She Still Puts Out.
I Just Looked, She’s Double-Booked,
Let’s Give Your Dad A Shout, HEY!
Ok guys, gals, and non-binary pals, that time of year has cum! The time where the big man cums in your chimney and sticks his package in your footwear or in your bush. No no, Epic Fail’s home confinement hasn’t been lifted yet, I’m talking about Ivanna Hairy Buttchug! Him and his dependable lady in crime, Indiana Bones and the Temple Of Poon, will be hosting our AИAL Brass Monkey Holiday Party! That’s right! We only had one arrest and two children conceived last year, so this time, we’re in it to break some records, and possibly some butt virginities.
So what do you need to know? Well, a lot of shit. But for this party, not so much.
You should bring:
· A Caucasian Elephant Gift (Nothing fancy, this is not an African American tie affair). $15 max, wrapped, for a gift exchange!
· A tallboy for our famous Tallboy Roulette ©™®. Paper bags provided for class; bad decisions brought by you.
· A bathing suit and a FUCKING TOWEL! That’s right, this shit ends in a pool. BUT, you assholes have to bring a fucking towel because too many have been ruined or stolen from Buttchug & Bones Manor, so they are off limits.
· Whatever you want to drink, if you don’t want yellow beer. There will be shitty beer and maybe shitty wine. If you want anything outside of that, bring it, unless you plan on living off Tallboys for the second half of the party. (We’ve seen it done, “recommended”)
Important things:
· It starts at 7:00pm. So for those of you that are generally late, it starts at 6:30pm.
· You will be at someone’s house. Don’t be an asshole. If you are going to bring a mariachi band, make sure it’s no more than three people so it doesn’t take up too much room.
· There will be some foods and sides, but don’t expect a seventeen-course meal. You will have a paper plate, buckling in the middle from the weight, filled with cholesterol inducing yummy foods. You’re welcome.
· If you are planning on drinking your face off, Uber. Don’t be a dumb ass. An Uber costs $40. An attorney costs a lot more. Share a ride with a friend, plan to sleep at someone’s house, think ahead, not just OF head.
· BRING A FUCKING TOWEL.
· There is a Brass Monkey the next day, so plan on making it a full weekend of bad decisions and debauchery!
That’s about it, kids! Please make sure to RSVP so we can buy the correct amount of food and shitty beer. If you don’t RSVP and just show up, we will judge you. More than we normally do. And we’ll do it to your face. More than we normally do. So please, fucking RSVP! This will be out last big Monkey event until Brass Monkey #420 (true story), our 16th Analversary campout in February – so come fuck the end of your year up with the people you know can do the best job of it! See you Friday the 5th!
0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork
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