BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 134 - 4th Anal Green Dress & Wedding Extravaganza!

When: Saturday, March 14th, at 3:00pm!

Where: Magnolia Gardens (Site of TXIH 2014)
12044 Beach St
Houston, Texas

Hares: EZ Chair & Cocktor Spork

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: *$20 ENTRY FEE TO SAVE A HORSE AND 101 DONATIONS FOR ALL THE SHIT THEY ARE DOING*, $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM THE WOODLANDS: Take I-45 South or Hardy Toll Road south until you hit Beltway 8, then take Beltway East. Take the exit toward Garrett Rd/Little York Rd. Turn left onto Garrett Rd, Turn left onto 1st St, Continue onto Guinn Ave, Guinn Ave turns left and becomes 10th St, Turn right onto Beach and look for signs.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: Cum one, cum all, to this special ORGY of events. Firstishly, this will be our FOURTH ANAL BRASS MONKEY GREEN DRESS RUN, so get out your Green dresses and get ready to get extra slutty!!!! That's right, this will be EZ's Third time haring, and my first, so it promises to be terrible with your reigning "Worst Hare Award" and "Hare Most Likely To Get You Killed Award" winners - so plan on that shit.

And lastly, and most importantly, this will be at the site of the Wedding Weekend Extravaganza for Save a Horse, Ride a Mole and 101 Donations! That's right, on Friday these two love birds will say "I do", then have sex in a tent/rv thing, then are going to be ready to celebrate round two on Saturday, so thank you to them for letting us come out and do this! Since we will be crashing their party, for those of you that have not already, please PayPal them $20 to cover all the awesome shit they are providing or bring it on Saturday. You will still need to pay $5 for the run as that will cover circle beer and snacky cakes.

After the trail there is a camping out option once you have paid your $20, and good times will be had by all there! Try to carpool, make sure to be good, and plan on having fun!

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,
Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 133

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 133

When: Saturday, February 28th, at 3:00pm!

Where: CrossTracks Ice House

Hares: Fluffer & a Mystery Hare!

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:

FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North and take exit 70A for Spring Cypress Road / Magnolia Street. LOOK FOR CONSTRUCTION EXITS! Turn right onto Spring Cypress Rd, Turn left onto Border St, Border St turns right and becomes Preston St, Turn left onto Elm St, Turn right onto Magnolia St. BOOM! This si where we have had our Green Dress Runs previously.

Sidenote: FROM THE HARE:

HARE(S) will provide:

•        Spellbinding trail guaranteed to make you hungry, itchy & thirsty

•        Enough BN's to keep you hydrated and alive to the end

•        Delicious & nutritious Brass Monkey’s

•        Recycled body bags

Things for YOU to do:

•        Expect hot weather -- really hot weather -- ice in your shorts will help, but allow for shrinkage

•        Prepare mobile I.V. to keep well hydrated while on trail (Set alcohol level < 3.2%)

•        Baste/Bathe in Ivy Block

•        Slather on Sunscreen, SPF 125 recommended

•        Anticipate bits of shiggy with spotted patches of pavement here and there: (just like the mange u get every year

•        Study your Houston Metro bus schedule, "just in case"

For more info or if you're lost or just plane stupid, call the the Hash Hotline at (832)-589-4590 & ask for Fluffer. (all calls are $19.95 per minute, excluding all taxes & other liabilities)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133

KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 132

When: Saturday, February 14th, at **3:30pm!**

Where: North Picnic Lane,

Memorial Park,

Houston, TX

29.764827, -95.441407

Hare: Where Do You Get Off?

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:

FROM THE WOODLANDS: Take I-45 (or Hardy Toll Road) to 610-West. Take 610 West to exit 10A for Woodway towards Memorial Drive. Go east under freeway on Woodway Drive and turn right onto North Picnic Lane.

Sidenote: FROM THE HARE:

My dear brass monkeys,

Cupids arrow hath struck, and here we are to celebrate love in all forms and fashions, be it Spork's love for small Asians, Hoot's lust for D-batteries, EZ Chair's desire for homeless men in public restrooms, or Skeet Squad's burning fetish for pubes. Cum one, cum all, and cum one more time to the "Get Off has a Heart on trail!"

Join me, where do you get off?, on on through the memorial park area as we celebrate this day of "getting off!" I can promise you beer, I can promise you boobs, hell I can even throw in some burlesque and some sex toy prizes, but most of all you should be happy to spend the day with the people you love--the hash! So come share drinks and bodily fluids as we venture off into a memorable valentines day hash!

IMPORTANT: BE FESTIVE, WEAR PINK, WEAR RED, WEAR BLACK, WEAR SEXY LINGERIE, WEAR A COSTUME, WEAR A GIMP SUIT!

ALSO BRING YOUR WALLET/MONEY/ID WE WILL BE STOPPING AT BARS ON TRAIL!!

FUCK YOUZ,

Where Do You Get Of?

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133

KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 131

When: Saturday, January 31st, at 2:00pm!

Where: I-45 and Knobcrest Drive (Just north of Greenspoint Mall) - LOOK AT MAP!

Hares: Hung Daddy Tutu & Dick Assley

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:

FROM HOUSTON: Go North on I-45 just passed the Beltway and take Exit 62. Go straight past Greenpoint Mall and look for a small road on the right called KNOBCREST DRIVE. It may or may not be marked, so ya, look your ass off.

Sidenote: FROM THE HARES: Hug Daddy Tutu and Dick Assley bring you the third trail of 2015!!! Expect shiggy, debris, and possibly homeless people. Super short, super shiggy, at least ONE beer check, and bring extra clothes because it might be raining! Expect a "King Baby" per Dick Assley, I think he might mean King Cake but who the hell knows. If you get lost call Dick Assley or Hung Daddy, their numbers are below!

Dick Assley's #: (214) 502-6501

Hung Daddy Tutu's #: (915) 253-9331

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 130 - KatchUp's Birfday Trail!

When: Saturday, January 17th, at 2:00pm!

Where: Creepy Dead End Road Place

Summer Trail Ct, Spring, Tx, 77386

***FOLLOW DIRECTIONS BELOW, THE "WHERE" IS JUST CLOSE BUT IS NOT THE EXACT START!***

Hares: KatchUp & Pic-a-Nic Basket

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:

FROM HOUSTON: Take i-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it dead-ends into I-46, then take Exit 73 towards Rayford/Sawdust Road. Turn right at light on Rayford and go for like 2-3 miles until you hit Aldine Westfield, then turn Left. Go for 1-2 miles, then turn right onto Northridge Forest Dr. Go for a mile and right onto Birnham Woods Dr, then left light right away-ish at Imperial Promenade Dr. Take the 2nd left onto Fawn View Ln, then right onto Lockshire Valley Ln. Take the 1st left onto Summer Trail Ct.

Sidenote: FROM THE HARES: Since I will be doing the Mighty Mighty baby shower the night before, expect a shitty half assed trail from the hare. You might be on trail and wonder how the fuck did he get a flour mark placed 1 mile apart, Its cause I forgot what I was doing in the woods. You might be on trail and wonder why you’re crawling through a sewer tunnel, its cause I want you to relive childbirth. You might be on trail and wonder why there are little trees with oranges on them, its cause you can steal them. You might be on trail and wonder why you are doing all this, its cause YOU LIKE TO DRINK!!! Expect 3-4 mile trail with one beer check.

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133

KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 129

When: Saturday, January 3rd, at 2:00pm!

Where: The GatorSntach Motel
7 Still Glen Court
The Woodlands, TX 77381

Hares: Where Do You Get Off? & CSI

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Go North on I-45 or Hardy Toll Road until it dead ends into 45 and take it North and then take it to exit 76B for Woodlands Parkway. Take that for a few miles until you hit Panther Creek Drive right after the bridge that crosses Lake Woodlands. Left on Panther Creek, then past the one stop sign, then right after you pass the school on your right and church on your left, turn left into subdivision. Go to Second Street, YewLeaf, and turn right, then turn right on second street after that, Still Glen. Boom. You can also navigate to the location on this sucker.

Sidenote: FROM THE HARES: This next Brass Monkey is to set the pace for a rockin' 2015. Cum join us as we send 2014 on the walk of shame, with its wet panties in the back pocket of those torn Levi skinny jeans and everything. Expect a short (less than 2.5 miles) trail with multiple beer stops and a tasty BMH3 ending. This boozy trail will be a light, easy, dry trail with some shiggy and usual debauchery. Bring hash cash and some extra for habadashery!

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 128

When: Saturday, December 20th, at 2:00pm! 
*WE'RE BACK TO EARLY START TIMES!*

Where: Tailgators
8000 Texas 242
The Woodlands, TX 77385

Hares: Donnie the Retard and London Fag

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections: 
From Houston: Go North on I-45 or Hardy Toll Road until it dead ends into 45 and take it North and thake it to exit 79A toward College Park Drive/Needham Road/Texas 242. When you exit turn right into the shopping center on your right side on the corner of the feeder road and College Park Drive/Needham Road/Texas 242. Boom.

Sidenote: Plan on a shiggy-tasitc trail taking you through the non-existent-currently-but-one-day-hobo-camps and see the sights of some trailtracks where you can have one of your own Stand By Me moments! Wear your high socks and probably some wild boar and snake repellent. Make sure to bring a change of clothes and $$$ for on-after. Seriously though, bring a change of clothes and shoes/sandals, you are going to stink. This is going to be the last trail of 2014, let us all say goodbye by getting fucked up and enjoying non-urban hashing!!!!!!! (It better be...)

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 125

When: Saturday, November 8th, at 2:00pm!

*WE'RE BACK TO EARLY START TIMES!*

Where: Alden Bridge Sports Park

Hares: Homoglobin and klosi7 phrEEk

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:

Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it dead-ends in I-45. Take Exit 77 for Research Forest Drive / Tamina Drive. Once you hit the light, turn left onto Research Forest. Go for like 5 miles then turn right onto Green Bridge Drive. Go for a mile and turn right onto 242 and the park will be on your right within a half mile.

You also have the option to exit onto 242 but then you will just need to bust a bitch at Green Bridge and loop back around, your call.

Sidenote FROM THE HARES:

BRING YOUR CAMOUFLAGE! Since we are getting close to Veteran's Day, we are going to have a sneeking around through the woods kind of afternoon! Regular Brass Monkey style trail, lots of shiggy, 3-5 miles, dog friendly (with a couple areas a leash will be needed), at least one beer check, some b00b checks, some dick checks, some witchy-ways, and just typical shitshow type material.

Well, you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133

KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 124

When: Saturday, October 25th, at 4:00pm!

Where: Parking on Breckenridge Drive near/around 4118 Breckenridge Drive, Houston, TX 77037

Hares: Where Do You Get Off? and Hung Daddy Tutu

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From The Woodlands: Take I-45 South or Hardy South until you get to Beltway 8 / Sam Houston Prky, go West (TOLL ROAD). Take the exit toward Antoine Dr/Bammel N Houston Rd/Hollister Rd, then turn right onto Antoine Drive. Go for less than a mile and Breckenridge is on your left, turn down there and look for hashers.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES:
My dearest Goblins and Ghouls,
Another year has passed and we are, once again, gathering to celebrate the day Get Off crawled feet first out of his mother's ass crack. To commentate this tragedy you are all cordially invited to accompany the rest of us who are forced to be there for this spooky death march in the greater guns point area. Accompanied by his gimp, HungDaddy Tutu, Get Off has a 4-5 mile trail that is bound to be less disappointing than his last three one-night stands. Expect shiggy, expect boobs, expect booze, and a keg ending with an optional haunted house on-after.

***For those of you who plan to attend the optional Haunted House, add on, please bring an additional $25 bucks cash.***

PLEASE COORDINATE RIDES AS WE DO NOT WANT ANY ISSUES WITH DRIVING AROUND THE HALLOWEEN WEEKEND. CAR POOL WHENEVER POSSIBLE!

Well, you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 123

When: Saturday, October 11th, at 3:00pm!

Where: Papa's Ice House

314 Pruitt Road

Spring, TX 77380

Hares: Where Do You Get Off? and PooDoo Alfredo

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:

From Houston: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it deadends into I-45. Take Exit 73 for Rayford / Sawdust and go to the light and go under the freeway and loop around from the far left lane. Once you loop under the freeway and start going North get over to the right and turn right onto Pruitt Road where that huge ass Texaco is. Go down a little bit and Papa's will be on your right.

Sidenote: FROM THE HARES: Now that we have gotten most of the thorns out of our ass and our plantars fascitis flare ups have subsided, the wonderful Poodoo Alfredo has a trail that will make up for the fact that she refuses to swallow.

Escorted by none other than Where Do You Get Off? (because we have not had to deal with enough of his "trails"), this dysfunctional duo aims to lay a throwback Brass Monkey trail of about 3 miles with shiggy and shit for you to stumble over. Expect beer, shiggy, debauchery and more than likely a few mistakes.

Bring a change of clothes and $$$ for on-after at Papas where there will be food, beer, liquor, and possibly some super hick Karaoke. Bring it, bitches!

Well, you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133

KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 122

When: Saturday, September 27th, at 3:00pm!

Where: Burroughs Park
9738 Hufsmith Rd, Tomball, TX 77375
1st Parking lot on the left

Hares: Donnie The Retard & ESPN

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 North to FM 2920 West / Spring Cypress Road, then turn left. Go for like 5 miles and turn right onto Kuykendahl Road. Go for another 5-ish miles and turn left onto Hufsmith Road. Go for like a mile and a half and it will wind you to the left, then turn Right into the park.

Sidenote: This will be a blast from the past with two OG Brass Monkey hares. That means there is going to be shiggy. Not like "Ouch, a thorn", but like "OW! Fuck! Ow, shit, ow!" Water crossings? Yes. Dog friendly? Does your dog like thorns? Then yes. Expect 3-5 miles, and possibly a MadDog 20/20 check. At least half of them wants worse things than that, and it's not even the souless ginger one.

Well, you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 121

When: Saturday, SEPTEMBER 13^TH, 2014 at 4:00pm!

Where: H4 Fall Campout

***UPDATED ADDRESS***
6405 Farm to Market (FM) 686,
Dayton, TX 77535

Hares: Where Do You Get Off, KatchUp, Save a Horse Ride a Mole

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:

From Houston: Take I-10 East and take that to US-90 towards Liberty. Take that for like 25-30 miles, until you get to Crosby Fwy/US-90 Frontage, then take the ramp for US-90. Turn left onto North Cleveland Street, then right onto West Lawrence Street. Follow that until your 3rd left which is Manor Street. Boom.

Sidenote: FROM THE HARES: Now that we are out of batteries, are palms calloused, and our fingers rubbed raw, let's celebrate to remember the "Great Fappening of 2014" by dressing as your favorite celeb sex scandal!

What better way to celebrate "the tragic cyber crime" that gave false hope for blackberry's future as a smartphone provider and may or may not have invaded the privacy of few b list actors/actresses than to get slutty and drunk and pray that none of us run for publick office one day. Expect a live hared, short 3 mile shiggy trail that is sooooo easy that even Whale's Vagina can navigate without auto wanking! As per usual leave your dignity at home and pack a spare liver! Given the nature of the theme plan for boobs, beer, and bad decisions! Questions, comments, concerns? Keep me to yourself--on on bitches! -WDYGO

Well, you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133

KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 120 - Spork's BIRFDAY Trail

When: Saturday, August 30th, at 4:00pm!

Where: Pundt Park
4129 Spring Creek Drive
Spring, Texas 77373

Hares: Cocktor Spork & Where Do You Get Off?

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections: From Houston: Take Hardy Toll Road north and exit Aldine-Westfield Road exit toward East Louetta Road. Turn right onto Aldine-Westfield Road, then turn left on Spring Creek Drive, then go for about 2 miles and the parking lot will be on your right. (If you take I-45 instead, you will exit number 68, East Cypresswood Drive and go East to Aldine-Westfield, then turn left, then right onto Spring Creek Drive.)

Sidenote: It's that time of year again, bitches, it's my BIRFDAY trail! I will be taking you through some virgin shiggy that promises to be fun... mostly because I have never been down there so we'll see what fences we find that Google Earth doesn't! This may be a bit on the long side of 3-5 miles depending on how long we spend buggering in the deep dark woods and giving each other tick-checks, so plan on about 5 miles with at least one beer check. Possible thunderstorms and definite water crossing mean make sure to wear something you don't mind getting soaked wet, white t-shirts preferred. It's gonna be hot, and it's going to be a bitch of a trail, so drink a lot of water or Karbach first!

Well, you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 118

When: Saturday, August 16th, at 4:00pm!

Where: Backwoods Saloon
230 Lexington
Conroe, TX 77385

Hares: Mighty Mighty Small Mouth & EZ Chair

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it dead ends into I-45. Take exit 81 for FM 1488. Go on the feeder until you hit FM 1488 and go EAST by turning right before the bridge, then go straight over the train tracks. Once you cross over, turn left, following around the wind to the right, and you are there.

Sidenote: FROM THE HARES: THERE WILL BE A WATER ENDING! That's right, after this hot and humid run, plan to relax in some water and cool your shit down! There will be shiggy, b00bs, beer, and some hot mess hares by the time we get there, most likely. Make sure to bring a change of clothes and $$ for the 0n-after which is a full bar that sometimes has food for sale outside when they cook. Also might be a live band, so should be an awesome time. SIDENOTE: Thank you to the hares who stepped in at the last minute to pick this up after Where Do You Get Off? and KatchUp forgot they had their honeymoon rental this weekend and couldn't be bothered. Thanks EZ and Mighty!!!!

Well, you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

VOODOO MONKEY 4.0: Plymouth Cock

Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and Ladyboys… especially ladyboys, The Brass Monkey Hash House Harriers, in collaboration with the VooDoo Hash House Harriers, bring you…

VOODOO MONKEY 4.0: Plymouth Cock

This year, VooDoo Monkey will not be in July and be fucking hot, it will not be in August when it’s fucking hotter, it will not be in September, too much shit going on, it will not be in October, that is crab hash territory. No no, this year, we will be having VOODOO MONKEY IV in November, the weekend before Thanksgiving to be exact. Imagine it, you are at Thanksgiving dinner, your weird Uncle across the table that works in Laundromat is licking his fingers to wipe his comb over across his forehead. To his right, your bother. Not that one, the other one… ewwww. You are stuck at this table full of odd people who you wouldn’t dare be around sober. Don’t you wish you had lubed up the weekend before and sucked all the fun out of the air that you could have, so you could have stored it up like some alcoholic camel to use on an occasion such as this. Yes. For those of you that did, there will be faint whispers in the wind saying “…voodoo… monkey… fourrrrrrrrrr…” So let us say in short, you’re welcome. 

As this year is the Monkey’s turn to host this blessed event, it will be back on this side of the Texas - Louisiana boarder and be a Texas style campout. Bring your tents, bring your RVs, bring your asses, and come out for a weekend full of alcohol, campfires, and bitches. Well, not bitches. I don’t know, there might be some bitches. *See RSVP list* The campout will crack open Friday, November 21st at 12:00pm when we tap the beer! What kind of beer? Let’s put it this way, it’s not going to be Bud Light Lime. It’s not going to be Bud Light. It’s not going to be Budweiser. It will not say “Bud” in the name. Good beer. Label beer… delicious warm-me-up beer. There will be slut-juice… the delicious slut-me-up-nectar. We will be at a beautiful venue, filled with awesome grasslands surrounding an awesome lake. It’s November, so it might be cold. But it’s Texas, so it could be fucking 75°, who the hell knows. I can’t remember the last time I was cold on Thanksgiving in this damn state. Anyway, it’s going to be awesome. 

Since it will be right before Thanksgiving, this year’s thème will reflect all that you are thankful for: STD medications, alcohol, plan B, slutty Pilgrim outfits that you can most likely find at your local whore-store. Think Pilgrims meet Indians or Pocahontas bangs John Smith. Think small pox blankets and delicious Brass Monkeys meet for the first time. Brass Monkeys: the original cure for scurvy. So what do you need to know to get you to this place… this mecca only an hour away from The Woodlands? Well, here’s what you need to know, bitches.

When: Friday, November 21st – Sunday, November 23rd 

Where: Ron’s Relay Retreat, 36009 Howell Road, Waller, TX 77484

Bring: A tent, and whatever you want to wear that weekend. Have an RV? Prefect, bring it! (There will be an additional $30-ish price for hookups and such, e-mail bmh@bmhengineering.com to RSVP for RV space.)

Cap: We are capping this event at 120, so if you want to go to this event, I recommend you rego early. I would really prefer if I didn’t get a call from one of you assholes in a couple months like “Hey, Spork, so I tried to buy a rego and it said CLOSED, you’ve got one for me, right?” Don’t be that guy. Don’t be Mud In My Crick. Get your rego, get it now, and get it cheap. Go to www.BMH3.org and sign up there! We would prefer if you did not send checks *cough cough* Boarder Jumpers *cough cough*.

Cost:

August 1st – August 31st: $75.00 
September 1st – September 30th: $90.00
October 1st – October 31st: $105.00
November 1st - REGISTRATION CLOSED

What You Get: Camping for an entire weekend, beer, games, beer, entertainment, beer, gimmies, beer, food, and possibly some beer.

What more do you need to know? No, seriously, like that is all the shit you need for now. As more details become available, we’ll put them out. Until then, just rego this shit. Can’t go later? Sell it to some poor sap that is looking for a rego at the last minute. So cum one, cum all, cum out to get in some pre-Thanksgiving fun at this year’s VOODOO MONKEY!!!!!!!!!!!

PAY & REGO HERE: https://www.payitsquare.com/collect-page/41389

FACEBOOK EVENT: https://www.facebook.com/events/1452387721695199

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 117

When: Saturday, August 2nd, at 4:00pm!

Where:

Sam's Club
Portofino Shopping Center
19091 I-45 South
Conroe, TX 77385

Hares: Homoglobin & Dunkin' Toe Nuts

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it dead ends into I-45. Take exit 79 for College Park Drive/Needham Road/Texas 242. When you exit, the shopping center is on your right, and Sam's Club is the last thing you will hit. You will pass Buca di Beppo, BJ's, SteinMart, a bunch of other shit.

Sidenote: FROM THE HARES: Trail is scouted at 3-4 miles with a beer/water check. Theme will be REAL AMERICAN FOOTBALL. Pre-season is upon us so bust out your jerseys, visors, helmets, pom poms, steroids and attitude! Boob checks for certain. Dog friendly, super shiggilicous, didn't see any PI, but we live in Texas so it is always a possibility.

Well, you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 116

When: Saturday, July 19th, at 4:00pm!

Where: Terramont Park

8500 Terramont Drive

The Woodlands, TX 77382

Hares: Prom Night Dumpster Baby & Red Light Special

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it dead ends into I-45. Exit onto Woodlands Parkway (Exit 76), and take that westbound for about 7-8 miles, then turn right onto Branch Crossing Drive. Go straight for 1-2 miles then look for Terramont Drive on your left, BOOM!

Sidenote: FROM THE HARES: Red Light Èspecial and Prom Night Dumpster Bebè Present to you: Red Light Prom Night Trail. Where are you slutty dreams cum true.
Cum one, cum all and most especially cum often in a slutty dress of your choice. It will be a Shig-Fucking-Tastic trail with shiggy, shiggy, shiggy. It is dog friendly, but it isn’t cat friendly (your pussy will definitely get wet). Shiggy socks are definitely recommended, we saw minimal PI on trail, but be prepared we are in Houston in the summer.

Well, you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 115

When: Saturday, July 5th, at 3:00pm!

Where: Overcup Drive & Creekwood Drive Intersection,
Spring, TX 77389 (Near 30.110268, -95.539817)

Hares: Save a Horse (Ride a Mole), and CSI

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 North and take exit 70B for Spring Stuebner Road. Veer right towards Spring Stuebner Road, then continue on it when it takes you left under the freeway going West. Go for like 5 miles and turn right onto Kuykendahl Road and go for about 1.5 miles, then turn right onto Creek Wood Drive. Go a half mile then turn left on Red Oak Drive.

Sidenote: This will be an Independence Day celebration trail, where we can celebrate beer, b00bs, and butts, all hopefully on full display, cause ya know, 'Murrica. FROM THE HARES: This will be "live hared", we shall see. Muahahahaha. Expect 4-5 miles with at least THREE booze checks, including some Brass Monkeys! Shaded Virgin ending, 80% shiggy! It’s the day after 4th of July so wear your best Independence Day themed outfit and be ready for our rockets to shoot off up your ass.

Well, you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 114 - BIRFDAY BIKINI TRAIL!

When: Saturday, June 21st, at 3:00pm!

Where: Backwoods Saloon
250 Lexington Drive
Conroe, TX 77385

Hares: Outside Cat & Red Light Special

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 or Hardy Toll Road until it hits I-45 and continue North until exit 81 for FM 1488 towards Lexington. Turn right onto 1488, go over the train tracks, then turn left onto Sherbrook Circle. Turn slight right and it will be on your left. We used to start here when it was called "San Jacento Gardens".

Sidenote: This will be a BIRFDAY run for Outside Cat and Red Light Special, w00t! Wear your birfday suits, or if you don't feel like pulling a full Dr. DooDoo, wear your bikini or bathing suit! Mannnnnnnnn, you'll need it. Expect shiggy, b00bs, beer, and a lot of drunken assholes! According to the hares, this is a BARE AS A DARE kind of trail, but what makes it really special? I'TS HUNTING SEASON! Either wear flesh color or bathing suits with some bright shit so you don't get shot. It's gonna be hot and buggy, so bring bug spray and some sunblock and you should be set!

Well, you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 RUN # 113

When: Saturday, June 7th, at 2:00pm!

Where: Mooseknuckles
4307 Treaschwig Road
Spring, TX 77373

Hares: Easy Chair & Puddy Tat

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes), BUG SPRAY, $$ for haberdashery (T-shirts $12), stickers $1, patches $3, thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
From Houston: Take I-45 or Hardy Toll Road to FM-1960, then exit and turn right (East). Go for about a mile and turn left on Treaschwig Road. Go for about a mile and Mooseknuckles will be on your left right past the creek.

Sidenote: This will be Easy Chair's Second AИAL Birthday Tubing, Flash Flood Warning, hopefully get to see a tiger in underwear again trail. Easy will be attempting to defend her title as the Brass Monkey's Worst Hare, and most likely, she will succeed. You can expect fierce shiggy, bugs and sun, and some overfilled river crossings. And by crossings, I mean you need to bring a flotation device because we're gonna be tubing on this trail, bitches! Seriously, have you guys seen this rain? It's amazing, and we're going to get to tube it! We might even dress KatchUp up like a little baby Moses and put him in a basket and send him down the creek. What else can you expect? Well, let's ask your hare!

FROM THE HARE: I know the pack is expecting this to be some sort of repeat of last year's shit show, but I've got a different route planned and the creek is moving a lot faster than last year!!! we have 2 shag cars but we really need:

1. an additional pump that can be plugged into a cigarette lighter in order to help inflate everyone's tubes in a timely manner and 2. a floating cooler for beer or sturdy net bag that can float or something. IF you're in possession of either of these things, let me know ASAP! if not, you're all blowing up your tubes with your bocas and only drinking what you can carry in your warm waterlogged laps.

Well, you heard it people, make it happen!

Cocktor Spork’s #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork