BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 262 - It's All Downhill Up in Conroe

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 262 - It's All Downhill Up in Conroe

When: Saturday, February 8th, at 2:00pm!

Where: VIP Parking Area

Next Level Urgent Care Conroe

1246 North FM 3083 Road West

Conroe, TX 77304

Hares: Sorting Rack & Homoglobin

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag, warm clothes, bug spray, PI repellent (if applicable), $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:

FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 or the Hardy Toll Road until it deadends into I-45. Take exit 89 toward FM 3083/Teas Nursery Road. Use the left 2 lanes to turn left onto North FM 3083 Road West/Teas Road/Teas Nursery Road.  Go for about a half mile, and look for the start in a parking lot on the right just past Teas Nursery Road. Go to "VIP" Parking area.  Look for assholes.

Sidenote:

Ladies and Gents, come and join us for Sorting Rack's "Not So Dirty Thirty", as she turns 29 and still has no idea what real life is like.  They're so naïve and cute at that age.  But fear not, Homoglobin and all his wisdom will be co-haring with her, berating her the entire time about how her generation is ruining the world, laying plastic straws instead of flour from behind just to spite her.  Per the hares, trail is about 3-4 miles, expect shiggy, water crossings, and apparently "tight holes".  This better not be false advertising again, like that time with the boy scouts and the "half off" sale.  As usual, pack a change of clothes, and if you are bringing virgins, for the love of G tell them to cover their legs.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133

KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 261 - Croc of Aryan Maybe Gets Us Killed

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 261 - Croc of Aryan Maybe Gets Us Killed

When: Saturday, January 25th, at 2:00pm!

Where: *Under a Creepy Bridge*

Riley Fuzzel Road

Spring, TX 77386

Google Maps: 4JMX+JR Porter, Texas

(30.134616, -95.350272)

Hares: Aryan Sisterhood and Croc of Shit

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag, warm clothes, bug spray, PI repellent (if applicable), $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:

FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 or the Hardy Toll Road to to 99 East, exit Townsen Blvd, and stay on the feeder until you reach a U-turn underpass. Park next to assholes. Becomes Early Light Court. Look for assholes.

Sidenote:

FROM THE HARE:

Gather Round Shiggy Lovers it’s time for another croc of aryan’s specialty: fresh, homegrown, msg free shiggy. There will be less mosquitos (gotta leave room for the west side), there will be no hunters, there will be lots of holesum fun. Join us for a great trail with at least one beer check and circle beers provided by Eureka Heights Brewery.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133

KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 260 - KatchUp's Birfday Trail!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 260 - KatchUp's Birfday Trail!

When: Saturday, January 11th, at 2:00pm!

Where: *Look for deadend*

Pathfinders Pass

Spring, TX 77373

(30.0620592, -95.3679998)

Hares: KatchUp

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag, warm clothes, bug spray, PI repellent (if applicable), $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:

FROM HOUSTON: Take Hardy Toll Road to Aldine Westfield Road or take I-45 to Cypresswood (exit 68) from I-45 N.  Take Cypresswood east to James C Leo Drive, then turn right.  Turn left right away onto Breckenridge Dale Lane, then Breckenridge Dale Lane turns right and becomes Early Light Court.  Look for assholes.

Sidenote:

FROM THE HARE: (Circus Noises)

Step right up, step right up. Listen to my tale of wonder about a trail hopefully not ruined by rain and thunder. It is I KatchUp your hare to be, laying a 4-5 mile trail of shiggy, you'll see. You maybe curious if water crossings will be present, if not, the plethera of Boob and Dick checks will be most pleasant. Your four-legged friends are welcome to cum, the pools of water will be oh so much fun. Ill leave you with this, this one little fact, there will be two beer checks not accompanied by Pabst.

*KatchUp is then shot out of a cannon*

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133

KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 259 - Choker Stroker's Birfday Trail!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 259 - Choker Stroker's Birfday Trail!

When: Saturday, December 28th, at 2:00pm!

Where: Rob Fleming Recreation Center

6464 Creekside Forest Drive

The Woodlands, TX 77389

Hares: Choker Stroker

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag, warm clothes, bug spray, PI repellent (if applicable), $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:

FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy until it hits TX-99 (Grand Parkway), then go west - that means left.  Go for a bit, then take the Gosling Road exit and head north, that means right.  Take that, then turn left onto Creekside Forest Dr.  When you hit the traffic circle, take the first exit.  Go for a bit, then the Rec Center will be on your right.  Look for assholes.

Sidenote:

It's Choker's birthday, and you know what that means - he somehow lived through another year of the crazy shitshow he calls life.  In honor of said celebration, Choker will be haring his birfday trail for us fine folks!  You can expect 2-3 miles of shiggy, dog friendly, and because it's Texas, possible rain.  There will be some water crossings depending on rain between then and now, and anything awful about trail can probably be blamed on KatchUp, regardless of if he helps or comes to trail.  This will be our last trail of the year, you won't want to miss it!  Say goodbye to the teens and hello to the 20s, we'll see you there!

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133

KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 258 - Donnie the Retard's 40th Birfday!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 258 - Donnie the Retard's 40^th Birfday!

When: Saturday, December 14th, at 2:00pm!

Where: Bear Branch Sports Fields

5205 Research Forest Drive

The Woodlands, TX 77381

Hares: Donnie the Retard

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag, warm clothes, bug spray, PI repellent (if applicable), $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:

FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy until it dead-ends into I-45 to exit 77 toward Lake Woodlands Dr/Research Forest Dr/Tamina Rd.  Go to the light and turn left on Research Forest Drive.  Go for about 3.0 miles, then turn left into the Bear Branch Sports Park just past Shadowbend Place.  Look for assholes.

Sidenote:

FROM THE HARE: Come celebrate Donnie's 40th birthday by coming and drinking 40s. The theme of this trail is drink more, run less. There will be a plethora of tasty treats geared towards reducing sobriety and beating your liver. Come on down and take a stroll through all the magical, swanky shiggy the Hoodlands has to offer.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133

KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 257 – The Something-th Anal Brass Monkey Beer Mile!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 257 – The Something-th Anal Brass Monkey Beer Mile!

When: Saturday, November 30th, at 2:00pm! (NOTE THE START TIME CHANGE)

Where: Venture Tech Park

8402 New Trails Drive

The Woodlands, TX 77381

Hares: Cocktor Spork

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag, warm clothes, bug spray, PI repellent (if applicable), $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:
FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy until it dead-ends into I-45 to exit 77 toward Lake Woodlands Dr/Research Forest Dr/Tamina Rd.  Go to the light and turn left on Research Forest Drive.  Go for about 2.0 miles, then turn right onto New Trails Drive.  Take that for about a half mile and look for a pond on your right just past Technology Forest Drive.  Turn in there, park to the right, and look for assholes.

Sidenote:
FROM THE HARES: “Tis the season… to not have a hare for the trail.  We have been able to make it a whole year since our least beer mile, and since we aren’t able to find anyone who will be able to get our of their Turkey-coma to hare on Saturday, we will be doing the Brass Monkey Beer Mile!!  How is it different than a traditional beer mile, you ask?  Well, instead of drinking four 12-oz beers, you have to drink a whole fucking brass monkey.  Think you can handle that?  Great, then bring it!  Plan to run (4) quarter miles, drink an entire monkey, then get continue drinking in circle thereafter.  What could go wrong?!  Plan on seeing people you don’t get to see often because their families are in town and they are looking for an excused to GTFO of their house.  Seriously, it’s a thing. You can plan on it being… 1 mile.  Dog friendly?  I mean, sure?  But they’ll probably hate it since it’s not like, you know, a real trail.  Make sure to RSVP so we know how many monkeys to purchase!!

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133
KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 256 - Womb & Hooker's Frozen Tundra Ride

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 256 - Womb & Hooker's Frozen Tundra Ride

When: Saturday, November 16th, at 2:00pm! (NOTE THE START TIME CHANGE)

Where: High Oaks Park

*The T-intersection at the end of Sawmill Road*

13100 Sawmill Rd

The Woodlands, TX 77380

Hares: Womb Raider and Peg Leg Hooker

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag, warm clothes, bug spray, PI repellent (if applicable), $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:

FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy until it dead-ends into I-45 to Exit 73 toward Rayford Rd/Sawdust Rd, merge onto N FWy service road and use the left 3 lanes to turn left onto Sawdust Rd. Stay on this road for about .7 miles, and at the intersection by the Burger King/CVS/Starbucks  use the left 2 lanes to turn left to stay on Sawdust.  At the light by the gas station turn left onto Sawmill Rd and continue straight until the road comes to a T intersection. Park and look for assholes.

Sidenote:

FROM THE HARES: Yes, this location has a bit of a storied history with the BMH3 kennel, but we will not be circling here, so we hope to avoid any friendly conversations with the police this year. The weather has an expected high of 41 Degrees on Saturday which means it should be the first cold trail of the season.  The hares hope that this will be a pleasant change of pace from Peg Leg Hooker’s last march through death valley. Expect lots of shiggy, a few shallow water crossings, 1 beer check and approximately 4-6 miles of shitty trail. Dress warmly and bring a change of clothes for circle.  This is a Womb Raider/Peggy trail so expect craft beer and some spiked drink to warm your bellies.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

 

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

 

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133

KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 255 - Homoglobin's Birfday Trail!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 255 - Homoglobin's Birfday Trail!

When: Saturday, November 2nd, at 3:00pm!

Where: BEHIND the Kroger

341 S Loop 336 W

Conroe, TX 77304

Hare: Homoglobin

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:

FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road until it dead-ends into I-45, to exit 84B for South Frazier Street/TX-75/Texas 336 Loop. Stay to the left and circle under the freeway and back south.  Take the first right on Grand Central Pkwy, go straight, and look for assholes somewhere behind the Kroger.

Sidenote:

*NOT* FROM THE HARE: The weather is nice, the shiggy is welcoming, and the monkeys are about to fuck some shit up.  Come join Homoglobin for his Birfday trail as he takes us to the great rural north into Conroe, home of corn and people with freckles.  The start will be at the old Camp Strake boy scout camp behind the Kroger.  For reasons totally unrelated to being 50 yards away from things and that time I tried I teach those campers how to play "Hang the Sash on the Hung Counselor" for that special patch... I mean badge, I will be unable to attend.  In my place, MasturGator will be RAing, so expect sudden breaks in circle, loud noises, and a few "that sounds niceeee"s from the man himself.  Trail will be 3-4 miles with at least one beer check, and per the hare will be 86% shiggy.  Cum celebrate the birthday boy by making him drink through all his regrets in circle, you know you want to!

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133

KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 254: BMH3 + H4 Campout = Possible Death

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 254: BMH3 + H4 Campout = Possible Death

When: Saturday, October 19th, at 3:00pm!

Where: Texas Renaissance Festival

21778 FM 1774, Todd Mission, TX 77363. 

***Day Trippers can park in the main faire parking for free.  Campers can enter the campground, but it requires a pass.***

Hares: Will He Peter and Epic Fail

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash (IF YOU ARE ONLY HASHING AND LEAVING, OTHERWISE READ BELOW!), shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:

FROM ANYWHERE: Read this shit (https://www.texrenfest.com/map-directions)

Sidenote:

FROM THE HARES: Remember the The Monkeys of Brass’ Sexquicentennial Scurry, Scamper, and Sexual Orgy of Salacious Talent (aka the 150th run) at which everyone got wet and drunk?  No? Well neither do we, so we are doing it again.

Trail will be at Texas Renaissance Festival, starting in the campgrounds at the Realm of Ramith.

But Epic Fail, What is a Realm of Ramith you ask?  Just a group of hash-friendly crazy pirates known to get drunk, sing sea shanties and might rivel the hashers for some of their shenanigans. 

But Epic Fail, I don't know where to find a Realm of Ramith?? Don't worry, just look at this map and go to #16.  https://dynamix-cdn.s3.amazonaws.com/texrenfestcom/texrenfestcom_703739644.jpg

Why are we AT the ren faire?  Because H4 is being annoying and doing a campout the same weekend as YFFs usual trail.  If you want to stay the night, get a camping pass and join us!  We will be going all weekend.  If not, you gotta get sober and leave by 11 pm.  DON'T DRIVE DRUNK, THE POLICE LOOK FOR DRUNKS AROUND HERE AS INTENSELY AS DONNY LOOKS FOR HIS NEXT PAIR OF CROCS.

Do I need to rego?? $5 for trail.  If you plan to camp, drink the hash keg and want a gimmie, it's $10.  Rego at https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSc-SA_kbotA_7Az6Hj1kAYvlULXWipPdpxwbHHIgTrpUqr9uA/

What should I bring?? Everything if you plan to camp.  We are providing beer and some trail snacks.  There are food trucks, porta potties and showers on site.

More info on H4 Fall Cmapout can be found here: (https://www.facebook.com/events/1048107182246894/)

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133

KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 253 - Aryan Sisterhood's Birfday Trail!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 253 - Aryan Sisterhood's Birfday Trail!

When: Saturday, October 5th, at 3:00pm!

Where: *New Start Location*
31220 Birnham Road Drive
Spring, TX 77386

Hares: Aryan Sisterhood

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:

FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road to the Grand Parkway (TX-99), then go East - that means right.  Exit Birnham Woods Dr and turn left on Birnham woods Dr. 

Sidenote:

*NOT* FROM THE HARE: Well, what can I say?  it's Aryan Sisterhood.  That means he made it another year without dying.  As surprising as that is, he still doesn't appear to have any illegitimate children, and hasn't made any additional life choices that would put him on an even worse path than he's already catapulting down.  Now, it's possible there is a small village of goosestepping, pony-tailed blondes wondering around the Canadian tundra somewhere that he is responsible for, but really there are only so many things we really know about him, so let's just move on to what we can "expect" from this trail.  Firstishly, he wanted to start from a school.  Apparently 50 yards to him is optional during weekends, but after discussing, we decided that wasn't best, and Megan's Law agreed.  So, we're starting from a park, with at least one beer check, and according to him, a shit-ton of virgin shiggy. We shall see.  You can expect water crossings, and knowing him, some other dangerous shit.  It's gonna be warm, so hydrate your ass off, and make sure to bring bug spray!  That's all the info I have, so you'll just have to wait and see what kind of fuckery this trail will bring.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133

KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 252 - 3rd AИAL Flock You Hash!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 252 - 3rd AИAL Flock You Hash!

When: Saturday, September 21st, at 3:00pm!

Where: ACROSS THE STREET IN THE DIRT PARKING LOT FROM...

Rob Fleming Park

6055 Creekside Forest Drive

Spring, TX 77389

Hares: Womb Raider, Dumpsterbaitor, Indiana Bones, Mouth Organ, Outside Cat, and Aryan Sisterhood

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:

FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North to Woodlands Parkway going west for about 4 miles. Turn left at Gosling. Turn right at Creekside Forest. Go to the traffic circle (round-about) and take first right onto Creekside Forest Drive. George Mitchell Preserve trailhead is on the right and a large dirt parking lot next to that.

Sidenote:

FROM THE HARES: Cum celebrate the survival of the Flock You Hash! There can be only one! It’s been rough lately for Brass Monkey special event hashes (RIP VooDoo Monkey, Iron Hash and Green Dress) but the FLOCK YOU HASH REFUSES. TO. DIE. Get your feathers ready and pucker up your little asshole! Your Flock leaders have made some elaborate plans for the 3rd Anal Flock You Hash and at least 10% will cum to fruition! If you make the right choice and cum you will get: AN AWESOME MIGRATION/TRAIL, A KICKASS PATCH, “PRIZES”, BIRD THEMED FOOD (hot and tasty), and DRINKS! Trail will be about 5 miles long. There will be at least 2 manned beer checks and 1 shot check. Little birds that may be/get injured or overheated or lazy can bail out at checks (warning you will drink for it). There will be trail treasures to find for special “prizes” at circle. Bird Costumes are highly encouraged. Please!?! We really want to have some feathered friends. We can’t wait to see our flock! We’re so excited we could pee out of our cloacas!!!

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133

KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 251 - Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon's Birfday Trail!

BRASS MONKEY H3 R*N # 251 - Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon's Birfday Trail!

When: Saturday, September 7th, at 3:00pm!

Where: Burroughs Park

9738 Huffsmith Road

*Farther parking lot / cul-de-sac / Pavilion area

Tomball, TX

Hares: Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon & Ivanna Hairy Buttchug

Why: Because you like drinking, period.

Bring: $5 for hash cash, shag bag (change of clothes, you'll get dirty), BUG SPRAY, PI repellent (if applicable), sunscreen, $$ for haberdashery: shirts from $15+, patches $3, socks $10, and a thirst for beer of course.

D’erections:

FROM HOUSTON: Take I-45 North or Hardy Toll Road to Grand Parkway (TX-99) and go West - that means left. Take the exit toward Kuykendahl Road. Turn right onto Kuykendahl Road, then turn left onto Hufsmith Road. Take that and it will curve to the left, then park will be on your right. Go in and take it until you hit the last park at the deadend. Look for assholes.

Sidenote:

NOT FROM HARES: Although Cocktor Spork and Indiana Bones share the same birthday, they were unable to co-hare this year due to an ongoing custody battle with a Rapunzel barbie, different uses for Ivanna, and a John Stamos poster.  So the last trail was Spork's death march, and this will be Indiana's response!  Let's she what she's got!  She said.........

FROM THE HARES: Come celebrate the day of birth of Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon, which she shares with Cocktor Spork. Unlike his birthday trail, this one is not designed to kill you! Trail will be 3-4 miles with shiggy, water crossings, beer check, and boozy popsicles.

What’s the worst that could happen? We shall see…

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Sorry, can't hear you. (P.S. We're not sorry.)

Cocktor Spork's #: (832) 372-5133

KatchUp's #: (817) 235-6141

0n-0n Bitches,

Cocktor Spork